I decided to semi-make up with Hellary (just in case something does happen to Barak and she becomes president).
I sent her a nice little MSN e-card saying, "hope you're having a nice time where ever you are." She responded back with an e-mail complaining that she was short on cash and about the size of her hotel room, sending a photo to prove it.
I'm still not sending any campaign contributions!
Saturday, May 24
The Hotel Room!
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! WATCH THIS!
Even I could have never said this better!I have been looping this on my Zune all day long, I love this guy!
Sorry for doing three political post in a row, but lately I've been fixated with stopping the pure evil of Hellary. I'll get back to my usual technology genius tomorrow, I'm just too wired right now.
I am not evil
Friday, May 23
The Wicked Witch's Freudian Slip!
Given all of the things throughout history which have happened in June, Hellary mentions the assassination of Bobby Kennedy? An unusually close parallel to Obama or wishful thinking or maybe instructions to the wack job racist out there?
"You guys aren't doing your job!"
That's what I hear Hellary saying!
Maybe that's just me, .... we will find out at Barak's wake.
Thursday, May 22
Countdown To The XP Swapout!
So I'm in Israel! The Holy Land! The Birth place of the world's three great religions! You would think that the reporters would have something better to ask me about than the same old question that chases me everywhere else that I go around the world:
"Mr. Ballmer, are you really gonna' kill Windows XP on July 15? People hate Vista ya know?"
I responded with sheer genius as usual,
"I am in noooo way disappointed with Vista sales! It's selling Incredibly well!
Vista sells on almost 100 per cent of all the new consumer PCs around the world," I looked around, pointed up to the heavens and proclaimed, "The Vista operating system is also selling on 45 per cent of all of new business PCs, once the XP hindrance is removed it will be 95%! Vista, has had a good unit volume market reaction!"
One squirrel looking guy with a beanie cap asked in a rather condescending tone:
"Vista is half-cocked, ya know? I just doesn't work ya know, nothing runs right on it ya know, it's a resource pig ya know?"
I sensed this press conference was going down hill quickly, so I said:
"Yes, application compatibility in Vista was not as high as many of our customers would have liked. That is improving, not because we’ve changed Vista, but because the applications are getting upgraded to be Vista compatible. What we have learned is that maybe our customers care a little bit more about compatibility and a little bit less about security.”
They looked at me a little confused. So I continued down the same road:
"It always takes people a while to get used to new things and Vista was no exception.
When you change the look of your product, you always think it looks better, but your users always have to get used to the new one I think we’re going through something of a process whereby Vista users are still getting used to Vista after moving from XP. (We are just going to help them along!)"
Just for good measure I threw is a few more zingers:
The Xbox has been a funny product for us, it too a long time to figure out how to make money out of it.
The same applies to Zune," I chuckled, "except we still haven't figured out how to make money out of that one."
Bill always told me to leave 'em wanting more, so despite their screams for "clarification", that's exactly what I did!
XP is toast people! Live with it!
Yeah Baby!
Wednesday, May 21
The Hungarian Conspiracy!
My staff PI, Jack Stone, has given me an initial report on the Hungarian egging incident. He believes there is more here than meets the eye! Reasons:
1. The two men sitting beside the egger's composure throughout the incident leads one to conclude that they knew what was going to happen. The smirk and smile just prior to the egger standing to interrupt. One of them has a Macbook, this is the most suspicious activity of all, a dead give-away of malevolence!
2. The egger did not throw a third egg, he simply waved his "chicken wing" arm, yet another egg hit the wall directly above me. There was a 2nd egger at the back of the lecture hall!
The egger is in the "custody" of the Hungarian Security Ministry, they say, "he won't talk! He's like a zombie or something!"
Conclusion: he is an Apple Cultist!
The other conspirators are as yet unidentified, although we suspect the suspect 2 is an Apple Store Genius.
Jack is on the job! He always gets his nerd!
You boys may as well turn yourselves in right now.
Monday, May 19
A Joint Alternate Transaction Venture Deal Thing
If you have been reading the news, blogs, commentaries, press releases, .... about the status of the Yahoo/MS deal or no deal kinda' deal deal, you may be getting a little confused.
Let me straighten this all out for you:
Confusing the heck out of everybody is exactly what our plan is! Poor Yang threw up his hands when he was asked what's going on! lol.
This is one of the oldest strategies in the world, confuse everybody soooo badly that they eventually just give up resisting you and give you what you want without even realizing it. I'm using the:
"I'm gone - I'm not, but I am or is Carl Ichan or are we, so yes or no to a deal but not a partnership or venture but definitely a transaction for just part not all search!"
By the time they finish talking to me they will have signed something that's not what they didn't know it wasn't for an amount they aren't even sure of!
Understand now?
I love being CEO!
EGG THROWING HUGARIANS!
So, I decided to accept a speaking engagement at the Corvinus University of Hungary (yes they have one, one!)
I figured,
"how hard could this be, they're Hungarians!. I should be greeted as a god by Hungarians, right? Who the heck goes to Hungary?"
Well, I found that I walked into an Hungarian ambush!
Before I could even get warmed up good, some Hungarian moron got up and started yelling some kinda' goulash at me, he threw three eggs, I took cover. The guy was escorted out and I regained my classic composure, the goat smelling Hungarians laughed:
WHAT HAPPENED AFTERWARDS:
The kid was taken to a back room where he was being held by a campus security guy and my Blackwater Bodyguard #6.
I told the university staff that I was concerned about him and wanted to speak to him personally. He was handcuffed and tied down to a chair. As everyone left so I could have my little "talk" with this poor troubled soul, I instructed BWBG#6, "Nobody gets in here for the next 45 seconds!", he said, "I understand sir."
The rest of my story goes like this:
"I approached the kid and he became irrational! He screamed, tipped his chair over backwards, slammed his head into the wall several times! I tried helping him up by the neck, but he tried to bite me! I released him and he fell to the floor hitting his head on my shoe (several times)! Boy was I glad to get out of there! That guy was crazy."
The Hungarian authorities have assured me that he will never do anything like this again.
I am not evil
Yahoo
Microsoft announced that it is continuing to explore and pursue its alternatives to improve and expand its online services and advertising business. Microsoft is considering and has raised with Yahoo! an alternative that would involve a transaction with Yahoo! but not an acquisition of all of Yahoo! Microsoft is not proposing to make a new bid to acquire all of Yahoo! at this time, but reserves the right to reconsider that alternative depending on future developments and discussions that may take place with Yahoo! or discussions with shareholders of Yahoo! or Microsoft or with other third parties.
“There of course can be no assurance that any transaction will result from these discussions.”
- In other words, I won't be embarassed again and the whole board of directors will have to go before they see the big bucks out of me!
Sunday, May 18
Apple-People!
My people took some pictures from the opening of the Boston Apple store:
Is it just me or are you thinking that there should be some kinda' federal law against iTards breeding?
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