At first I did not believe the report that Team FFSB existed, but they finally convinced me to come down under to see for myself and boy did I see!
I had no idea that Kangaroo racing was such a huge sport down here! That said, Team "Ballmy" as they say here is number one! They have won the national finals in the mounted and unmounted catagories for the second year in a row! They were really pumped to see me personally in the stands cheering on "Zuney" our entry for the 2010 "Hopper Cup!" Of course we won!
The celebration went on all night long!
I'll be down here for a few days more, may even go on a "walk-about"!
I'm making the entire team a charter 1ZuneNation chapter!
The iJustine Stalker Thing!
I'm sure that you people have heard that Steve Jobs has been out of pocket for the last few months (I truly wish him well), but one side effect of this is that his official iStalker (this really hot blond iJustine) has moved on to following me instead!
Whenever I go anywhere she reminds me that she is two steps ahead of me by leaving a Ballmer Action Figure in a chair.
She hides behind bushes, trucks, in sewers, disguises herself as servants .... If she were not soooo hot I'd call the cops; well I did once, but they laughed at me, when I showed them her picture they said:
"You want to get rid of her? Are you crazy? Anybody would give their left *** to have a stalker like that!"
My BWBG's (Blackwater Bodyguards) say they would love to catch, cuff and pat her down, but she's too smart!
She even made it into my south mansion pruple room!
I've been assured by Job's people that she is not dangerous and should just be accepted as a side-effect of being famous, but I don't know, I just don't know. It just bothers me that she's an iTardess Mac lover. Ther's something wrong with all of those people!
I am not evil
Jacko, the TRUTH!
A certain Tabloid paper published this photo recently, they called it the "First Jacko Sighting!"
I had my people release our official response:
"Microsoft and it's employees greatly regret the publishing of fake photos showing the late great Michael Jackson working on a ficticious blog of our beloved CEO, Mr. Steve Ballmer. We find such exploitation repugnant in the extreme and our legal team is reviewing the matter."
However, since you all are my friends I will give you the straight truth!
Jacko does indeed work for Microsoft! We helped him fake his demise.
He came to me personally some time ago, told me how unhappy he was and that his life had become a living hell on Earth! He cried on my shoulder saying, "Stevey, I wish I could just start over!"
That is when we hatched the plan to replace him with a non-animated clone, move him to level -8 and give him a new identity (he's now Mick Sonjack).
Let me tell you, Jacko is one heck of a graphic designer, webmaster and media consultant! It only took a week before he was virtually running all of -8! I have never seen him so happy and fulfilled!
Ofcourse he lives down there like many of the other geeks, NTN's (nasal-toned nerds) and subterrainian developers.
btw: I never told you any of this, if you do tell others they will not believe you, but I wanted you my friends to know the truth!
Go ahead, pass a message along to the ex-gloved-one, he reads every comment on every last one of my Fake Persona sites.
CIO Stuart Scott Fired For Policy Breach! (We had to make an example out of somebody!)
In response to Computerworld.com's article:"Questions abound on firing of Microsoft's CIO"
They ask: Specifics of policy violation remain unclear; are IT execs are held to higher standards?
Well I thought our CIO, Stuart Scott was a kinda' creepy guy ever since I first met him about two years ago but you know me, I accept everybody, am self-defacing and ever sooo tolerant. Despite my gut feeling that the guy just wasn't right for the job I went along with the board and hired him as CIO.
Then the strange stuff started happening!
He sent out memos to his entire staff and the corporate *NtN's that they were to refrain from speaking to or interacting with any other MS employees outside of IT.
He obtained funding from the board to hire his own IT security firm which only reported to him.
A few months later he initiated a new dress code for all of his direct-reports, he said they had to wear black sack-cloth robes and sandals when entering the IT facilities.
He encouraged all of his people to "Rid your earthly shells of all hair."
I received a few complaints from some of the women in his department about the "Earthly shell hair riddance" policy, so I decided to go over there to see what was going on myself. (but not before firing the complainers, I hate complainers!)
My secretary called and setup my appointment to inspect their "campus within a campus".
I WAS IMPRESSED!
They had such order over there!
As I entered the lobby several young hairless IT girls came over, disrobed me, dressed me in a white sack-cloth robe (kinda' itchy, but you get used to it) and placed rubber flip-flopps on my feet (I love those things). They had a muzak system looping "Muskrat Love" all day long. As I journeyed to Scott's office, everyone we passed would bow to me, I said to one of the escorts, "I could get used to this!"
When I reached the office they announced me as "The Great and Powerful Ballmer!"
Scott (who they referred to as Buffa) bowed and said melodically, "how may I serve you my master?"
I said, "just an inspection Buffa, there have been ... complaints!" ... Everyone gasped! The escort girls started to weep, Buffa fell prostrate before me, they all started to chant, "control alt delete Great Ballmer, control alt delete Great Ballmer, control alt delete Great Ballmer, ....". After a few minutes of that I raised my hands and said "it is control alt deleted!"
They all stopped crying and chanting, Scott - I mean Buffa rose, kissed my Harvard ring and said, "you are most merciful O' Ballmer"
THEN IT HAPPENED!
I walked over to his desk, I could not believe my eyes, I was shocked, I couldn't speak for a second, I pointed at the 24" iMac on his desk and screamed, "What the Heck is THIS!" Buffa incessantly bowing said, "it matches the motif".
I looked at the robed security guards and said, "this person has defiled this holy campus! Remove him from my sight!"
They dragged him away begging and pleading for mercy, there was none!
There was silence, then all of the staff bowed to me and said, "Buffa! Buffa! Buffa!....."
I think I'm gonna like it over here until I replace Mr. Scott!
*Nasal toned Nerds
The Monkey-Boy Conspiracy! (pt 2)
This whole Monkey-boy conspiracy thing includes yet another FAKE film, I call it the "Developers, Developers". This my friends simply never happened! This film is not as grainy as the others and was obviously created by some other group than the other two films where they show me jumping, screaming, eating dirt, and generally losing my mind. This one had a higher budget, we suspect it had corporate backing (aapl). The actor in this one looks a lot like me, (Peter Boyle called me once and said it was him, he apologized, he said at the time he was being blackmailed so he did it). If that is not good enough, there is one dead give away: THE SWEAT! You see I do not sweat, I was born with a rare condition called Anhidrosis Glandofelimumia, I cannot sweat. I take medication weekly and always stay in cool environments. If I got hot like this guy I wouldn't sweat, I would swell up like a water balloon. The conspirators did not know this little known fact about me.Spread the word, get the truth out, that's why I blog!
FSB READERS! A VERY SPECIAL OFFER!
The zLife Suite of zApps and Windows SUTU (Super Ultimate Turbo Ultra) are nearing completion. We will soon start a very short Beta test of the entire package, so the NTN's (nasal-toned-nerds) we keep in the basement called me up and asked, "Hello, m-m-Mr. Ballmer, we just wanted to know what your criteria is for the beta testers, sir, Mr. Ballmer sir",
I just pinched my nose and blew them off,
"I'll get back to you freaks lay-tah!"
they said excitedly,
"yu-yu-you ah gonna' call us'n! y-y-YES Sir! Mr. Ballmer sir! We a be waiting sir, Mr. Ballmer sir!"
The Beta is SUTU and the zLife Suite of zApps:
StudioBand - Record up to 4 tracks of music.
zPicture - Your JPG photo manager
zWeb - Create Beautiful text webpages
zMelodies - A new skin for Mediaplayer making it a zApp
zFilm - Video editing for any WMV file
As a special treat to you my loyal docile readers, I'm limiting this Beta Test to you guys exclusively!
I figure, who else would be so cutting edge as the people who read this blog!
All you have to do is leave your e-mail address in the comments to this post and I will have the NTN's contact you personally with the details!
The Book of Windows! - CLOSE
My people tell me that we are only months from the completion of the Book of Windows!
Why has it taken so long?
Well inspiration from on high has no schedule. As Zunasticles 3:4b says,
"Wait I say, thy updates come, not with speed but on wings as an egret!"
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