Stand Up

Everybody says I'm funny! I've been working on a standup routine, let me know what you all think:

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent...

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, But don't start anything."

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

A Mac user and a Linux user get into a knife fight to the death, who wins?
…. Who cares!

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this Taste funny to you?"

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

Al Gore came to my office saying, “I want to help the flowers and trees!”
I called my Blackwater people and had them dice him into tiny pieces, mixed with fertilizer and distributed to the grounds people.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Hellary Klinton asked me to contribute some computers to her “cause”.
I sent a hundred Celeron Dells running Windows ME.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to His friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Well?

Saint Bill the Rich

The morning "Defrag Services" were especially good this morning here at Vista Chapel!
Our special guest speaker was none other than Bill Gates himself! He told us all about his recent trip to the Vatican where he has been lobbying the Pope and boards of Bishops for induction as a living Saint. He has a pretty good arguement too! He says:

"I gave the world the miracle of Windows! Leaving the faithful more free time to pray and study the sacred scriptures!

I have given billions and billions of dollars to charities, feeding millions, saving lives, helping the oppressed! Even Moses never spent that much money on others!

I have built schools where children learn and prosper, learning how to use my products to benefit the whole of mankind!

I have walked upon the virtual waters of the human soul itself and seen the potential of man and the seven Vistas of the spirit! ...."

At the end of his talk we at VCCOW were certainly convinced! We stood to our feet and praised Saint Bill The Rich of Redmond!

triumphant Windows 7

www.pcworld.com/businesscenter/article/182741/ballmer_win...

Excitable Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer actually had something to be excited about at yesterday's shareholder meeting, where he announced that Windows 7 sales are "fantastic."

"Since launch, we've already sold twice as many units of Windows 7 than any other operating system we've ever launched in a comparable time," Ballmer said.

Speaking Thursday at the company's annual meeting, Ballmer said Windows 7 sales are "fantastic," but provided no numbers to support his claim. The Wall Street Journal helpfully puts the number at 40 million copies sold since the new operating system's Oct. 22 release.

That estimate is based on Vista having sold 20 million copies in its first month, the Journal said.

"Windows 7 is the simply best PC operating system we have ever built," Ballmer said. "It enables people to do more of what they want to do more easily and more quickly, and customers are responding."

Ballmer had previously described Japanese sales of Windows 7 using the same term, "fantastic."

Verification of Ballmer's claim will come as PC manufacturers report their sales, which will give us some measure of how many copies of Windows 7 are being sold with new hardware. Wide customer acceptance of Windows 7 should help the hardware industry recover from the recession.

Miss NRA

My step-niece Bill-Girl is so full of surprises! Wayne and the NRA people just voted her as their most beautiful member and 2010 poster-girl! Their 2010 theme: "Gun Control is hitting your target!"
I had no idea that she was even a member or that my blog had so many dedicated fans there. I'm so proud!

My Documents: All is one, one is none, none is all!

I had a little problem the other day, so I called our top NtN (Nasal-toned Nerd) to my office for a little tech help:

RAJivhe: You Eminence, vhat is yur probleem this glorious dae?

Ballmer: I made a Linux Developer/administrator hit list for '10, sorted by the influentiality colum and subsorted by distribution.
It was a thing of beauty! I had finally compiled a list of the top thousand most dangerous LuTards, categorized it and made it cogent. I did a file - save - exit, then went to the desktop.
I wanted to drag it to my thumb drive then delete the original. But the file wasn't on the desktop, I then realised that I had simply saved it to "My Documents" by default. ... To make a long story short, I spent an hour scouring the drive for the folder. I went to C: and told Vista to search, but no My Documents was to be found! Where is the My Documents folder?

RAJivhe: That is someteems a vere vere guud question sihr!

Ballmer: ... and the answer would be?

RAJivhe: It ez everywhere, YET! It is nowhere! (I gave him my confused look, so he continued)
Your Grandness, your computer ez networked in the new MS-UberGrid! In this network you have all, yet you have nothing. Your local computer is but a spec in the sea of the nothingness of data, all is one, one is none, none is all!

Ballmer: Uh, I want my file! Where is it?

RAJivhe: Buffa, there is no where here, all data moves between servers, nodes, it is naut a ting, it is nothingness, it is only perceived! A whispered word in the desert which signifies all that the desert ez!

Ballmer: It's name was LuTardKillist.xlsx and I want it! (I was loosing my patience) I want it now!

RAJivhe: Oh Great-one! Now is but a pearl floating upon waves of anticipation! To become one with your document you must free yourself of this "now" and see that now is simply now, then it vanishes!

(I just stared at him for a moment, then in a very serene manner said:)

Ballmer: Oh enlightened one, I shall free you of the burdens brought upon thy most radiant soul by the all-ness of money and a job!

RAJivhe: It's in H:/Documents and Settings/SABallmer/My Documents/LuTardKillist.xlsx

(I stood and bowed to him)
Ballmer: Namaste! Now get out of here!

MSMHI

Protocol 666a

Everywhere I look there is only good news for Apple:

Snow Leopold Record Pre-orders!
iMac Sales off the charts!
IPod Sales Still on Rise!
Newton Slate in Development!
Stock Price climbing weekly!
New Stunning MacPro Coming!
Laptop Sales Growing!
Apple market-share over 8%
Yada yada yada ......

All I can say is "watch yourself Mr. Jobs!"
Why?
Well here at MS we have had Protocol 666a in place for the last 12 years, it reads thusly:

"Any competing company which threatens the MS business model by exceeding 10% OS market-share and/or having quarterly revenues exceeding 25% of MS quarterly revenues shall be targeted for elimination for market contention by any means necessary. Said company being....”

Protocol 666a is built into all of our systems and business models and is implemented automatically whenever the offending companies trip it! Apple is getting close! I'm a nice guy though and am formally issuing this warning, "tone down your growth Mr. Jobs, by that I mean your OS! If you value your pretty little candy coated company that is, you haven't seen us get ugly yet!"

The Rhuggle Question!

I was just in Tokyo to launch the new Windows Live services, when this coke-bottle-glasses reporter for the Tokyo Kamikazi Daily interrupted my usual world changing musings,
"rista Ballma-san, rista Ballma-san!"
I was a little annoyed that he interupted, but I decided to be respectful and bowed to him, "yes-san, do you have a question for me?"
He said, "rista Ballma-san, rut do you think of Rhuggle's expanding leed over Rikrosoft on the Rinternet?"
I said nothing at first, I motioned for one of my Blackwater people, he came running over. I whispered to him, "Get rid of this guy!" But he said, "sorry sir, MS international protocol MSJp44 dictates that once you have acknowledged him you must answer the question sir, roughing him up now would be considered 'impolite'."
I sighed, turned, bowed again:

"Rhuggle is a non-factor for us, they are at best an annoyance, a rash in an inconvenient place!"

They all looked at me with that fake confused look, so I went on to explain:

"Google is not ahead of us, In the area of search specifically, Google would lead."

At that point, a dozen hands went up, "rista Ballma-san, rista Ballma-san! rista Ballma-san, rista Ballma-san!"
I ignored them all!
I wasn't going to fall for that MSJp44 acknowledgement thing again, so I decided to have a little fun with them:

"Rhuggle is a bunch of boy scouts with no den-master! They are just a bunch of spoiled rich kids on a perpetual holiday, no order or discipline. They only exist in that I allow it, I find them amusing, it's like watching a house on fire or some other tragedy, you know it's repulsive but you just can't look away!"

The reporters were taking in my words like Saki, they just couldn't get enough! So I decided to throw them one more bone!

"I have to go now, but since I'm on Rhuggle, let me say this about this 'Android" thing: It is just like the rest of Google ..ahem, I mean Rhuggle, IT ONLY EXIST ON PAPER! Don't fall for this vaporware, rumors, fake-half-baked hype that they peddle!"

They were going wild, "rista Ballma-san, rista Ballma-san!"
I just bowed, waved goodbye, then walked off stage.

As I was getting into the limo I whispered to my Blackwater guy, "always leave 'em wanting more son!" He laughed, I gave him a serious look and ordered him, "Oh yeah, track down that Tokyo Kamakazi reporter, have his paper fire him for some reason or another."
The Blackwater guy just chuckled and said, "remind me never to interrupt you, 'rista Ballma-san'."

That was one good trip!

I Am Not Steve Ballmer Pretending Not To Be Me!

Let's just get that straight from the very beginning here!
I have decided to get into this blogging thing with the rest of you people so I can straighten out some of the FUD out there about me. My image has been tarnished as of late by certain ner-do-wells an haters.
In the next few months I will set all of this crap straight, especially the Google and Apple crap!
You people should check in with me every few days to see what my thoughts are, you will learn a few things.

Zune ROCKS!

Cool Music!

This always makes me feel good:

It's my blog, I'll post what I like!

Windows Home Server! YEAH!

These ads are about the slickest we have ever put out! Check out StayAtHomeServers.com

There are four videos on StayAtHomeServers.com so far, more on the way!


*Use of Windows Home Server's remote access features may require additional services from your broadband provider, such as access to certain "ports" that some providers may block for customers on some service plans. Contact your broadband provider if you have questions about their services or service terms.

Love Campaign!