StreetInsider.com Ask me a Question ....

See the article:
MARKET TALK: What's The Fake Steve Ballmer Think Of This?
Interesting article, kinda technical though, which is why I only read the first and last paragraph. But, the answer is not much.

Microsoft to Retaliate Against AT&T!!!

I have warned Randal Stephenson (ATT CEO) one too many times, but after today, that rips it! He called this morning to decline our very generous offer to provide BSATJAS (Back-end Switch Algorithm Thru-put Jucture Analysis Software)! This software would have supplied qualititative analysis checks for whatever cellular phones they would be running after July 1. Our aim was to help them and to beta-test the software at the same time. His accusations about us "affecting" the quality of calls through the network or, "trolling" their servers with our "spyware" as he called BSATJAS.02b was insulting and totally uncalled for. Legal recourse is being studied!

Dvorak! Dvorak! Dvorak! Dvorak! Dorrak! Dvorak! ...

I can kinda' understand why a few people out there would think that I have a hidden agenda in my crusade against this iPhune thing. But, who can question the motives of the world's most reputable technology journalist, John Dvorak! John used to write for several defunct Mac rags (until he saw the light). He has recently drawn heavy fire from the iTards for his enlightening article "Apple should pull the plug on the iPhone!" I quote:
"The keyboard is a disaster, and people are going to return the phone in droves!"
"It's time to short Apple stock!"
"Company risks its reputation in competitive business!"
This is my favorite one and the most intelligent suggestion that he makes to Apple:
"If it's smart it will call the iPhone a 'reference design' and pass it to some suckers to build with someone else's marketing budget."
I have thought long and hard about this idea, I truly believe that this is the only way to save Apple at this juncture. I will go one further and offer the services of Microsoft itself! It makes sense, if any company can make this thing work it's Microsoft! We saved Apple's butt once before, we can do it again.
Steve, the offer ends June 29, 5:01 pm, call me!

Andy Ihnatko is Fake Steve Jobs!

I've had our security people working on this ever since I launched this blog.
Results: "Andy Ihnatko"!
I can't reveal the details of how we tracked down FSJ but I can say it involved some arm twisting at Google, IP address route tracing, post back-tracing filters and surveilence. I can assure you that this washed-out hippie looking loser is FSJ. Spread the word!
Gotcha Steve or Andy, whatever. The FSJ site will slowly die now, no more book deals, fans will gravitate elsewhere ... this site would be a good idea!
I am not a spoiler I am just a fanatic about the truth, FSJ (Ihnatko) just told tooo many lies!

Yes, I Compared Bill Gates to Chairman Mao, and?

What is all of the fuss about? Moa was a historic figure whose actions will be studied for centuries to come, the same is true for Bill. I studied Moa in college and you know he wasn't all that bad a guy, I mean, most people don't know what's best for them, "they must be guided, lead in the way, taught habbits that unify the whole for the individual is nothing".
If you are not the CEO of a worldwide corporation I guess you cannot really appreciate some of Moa's philosophy. As far as I am concerned his main problem was just that he didn't believe in PROFIT! ... but then again, most democrats don't either.

Seatle Times (and others) Reviews This Blog, kinda'

This kid (BJ Morano) did a review of this blog for the Seatle Times but gets it kind of mixed up. He writes:
"I'm not sure it has quite the ear for the executive it's spoofing, as does FSJ..."
Son, let me say this again just so you understand, "I am not Steve Ballmer pretending to not be me", got it? .... Well let's try again, "I am not pretending to be Steve Ballmer pretending to not be who I am", in simpler terms "I am not pretending to not be who I am not". Got it? ... Good! Then how can you say I don't sound like who I am not pretending to be not to be pretending to be? Have you ever met me?
Follow this Blog closely son, ride it to fame, quote me weekly!

One more thing ....
Never mention or compare me to FSJ

... yet another review
http://blog.seattlepi.nwsource.com/microsoft/archives/116905.asp
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/businesstechnology/2003752016_btdownload18.html?syndication=rss
http://www.microsoft-watch.com/content/operating_systems/who_is_funnier.html?kc=MWRSS02129TX1K0000535
http://minimsft.blogspot.com/2007/06/ballmer-bozos-and-crazy-sweet-facebook.html

Errant Reports of MS Bowing to Google! . :-(

For the life of me I have no idea where people get some of this stuff being passed off as tech-journalism today.
"Microsoft Changes Code to Accommodate Google" - What a bunch of BS!
We are nearing the release of Vista sp1 and as usual are doing hundreds of things to improve our flagship product, BUT, one thing we are not doing is changing even one line of code to accommodate that bloated crapware put out by Google! NEVER!
If those guys can't write apps that take full advantage of our state of the art OS, so be it! We are not responsible for their incompetence, period!
I am sooo angry right now that I have to stop and take another Valium ahead of schedule.

The Newyorker Finally Figuring Out the CON!

I'v e been warning you people about this guy!
HE IS SATAN! THEIR PRODUCTS ARE EVIL!
Some of the world's greatest minds are starting to realize the truth!
Read for yourself then sell that floundering iStock!

Microsoft Labs first to review iPhone! Results:

I am glad to reveal to the public our disection and test results for an iPhone which was given to Bill at D:.
I won't bore you with details but I can personally assure you that this thing is some of the chinseyest, cheapest, subpar components on earth. Apple is so full of cultish loyalty that they cannot admit when they have a total loser!
Mr. Jobs, I emplore you to cancel the rollout on the 29th and save your company the inevitable embarassment. Our labs don't lie. I am forwarding an email to Steve right now.

PT trashed! Now who, now who? ... George Ou!

Kicking Thurrott to the curb for me is kind of bitter/sweet, it affected me more than I thought. I've ordered everyone at MS worldwide to destroy all bookmarks and references to him or his ugly websites. But this leaves a void, it's like an old friend passing away (in this case being executed), oh well, dead is just dead as far as we here at MS are concerned. The traitor has been spaming me all day, I just filtered him out of the servers.
There is only one man worthy to take his place, a man on unimpecable loalty and devotion to MS, a man who never wavers or flinches, a man who can't be bought (cheaply), a colleage, an intelectual. You know who, George Ou!
For the uninitiated who have never heard of him, you will now! Congratulations to GO, my new favorite totally independent tech journalist!

Paul Thurrott turns on Microsoft! :-(

It's enough to make me want to throw a chair at him or something! The one guy on the internet that I thought would never fall under the spell of that iTard Jobs has apparently defected! Paul Thurrott, formerly my favorite websiter and blogger says that Safari is "the Future", PT has lost his freak'n mind!!!
Official Proclamation to all MS staff and vendors:
Mr. Thurrott is hereby banned from all venues, meetings, conferences, .... sponsored or subsidized by Microsoft inc. or any registered agents of the same. PT shall be stripped of any alleged monthly stipends, lunches, free hardware, software, memberships, beta test or privileges associated with the same and is from this time forward (until remitted by none other than myself of Mr. Gates himself in writing) considered anathema. Any person under said authority of Microsoft inc. found to be consulting with PT shall be penalized either monetarily or severed summarily.
Anybody else wants to step out of line? .... I thought not!

BusinessWeek: "Unlocking Value" at Microsoft

Businessweek has published an excellent article singing the praises of one of our young vibrant product managers, Scott Buchannon, it is an excellent read! Scott is an MBA in charge of "Unlocking Value" for our customers of the MS Office Suite, Many people have our products but need a little help unlocking and deploying their full value. I quote:
"you can only experience the value of a chocolate chip cookie once you 'deploy' it to your mouth or the value in a pair of running shoes once you 'deploy' them to your feet"
He also mentions "real-time editing" ... all of this dispite the fact that he knows nothing about computers:
"I'm not a very technical guy. On my first day at Microsoft it took me 30 minutes just to find the latch to open my laptop (though I did successfully find the "on" button pretty quickly)"
Great employees like Scott and his team are there to help. Read the article and get some insight on a typical day for a typical extraordinary MS employee.

ZDnet gets it right! Apple's WWDC a failure!

My friends, the totally independent journalist at ZDnet.com were ALL at the WWDC and are reporting headlines like:
"Safari for Windows (what took so long?)"
"Remote exploit released for brand-new Safari for Windows"
"Apple lulls developers to sleep at hardware-less WWDC"
"Leopard looks like … Vista"
"Something's missing from Apple's WWDC"
"Dumb move: iPhone’s 'sweet, innovative' dev solution is neither"
"Beta Nazi: No Leopard for you"
"Safari on Windows could be big target for malware"
"10 million iPhones = An ideal platform for malware"!
Read these insiteful, well written, totally independent, well researched reviews for yourself!
Apple is on the rocks, this iPod and Leopard stuff is just them grasping at straws, desperate measures, death-throws, .... Stay away from them or they will take you and your hard-earned tech investments down with them

Thousandth Student Vista Switcher wins Vistoria!

We here at Microsoft have been keeping it low key, but I guess most of you have heard about it by now, what? VISTORIA! It is a program that awards a $1000 scholarship to every 1000th High school student that switches from Linux, Solaris or Apple (any other wannabe OS) to Vista! Pictured is our first winner. We are dedicated to improving the lives of our youth in any way possible, upgrading from these other OS's to the easiest, most stable, secure, popular, sophisticated and prettiest OS and a thou in cash is a big step. Upgrade, register, win! VISTORIA!!!!

What was Steve really thinking:

Look at his face, he is either gay or envious!
All Mac-people are ... they very well should be, they just can't seem to admit it.
My favorite line from Gladiator:
"... a people should know when they are conquered"
You fill in the bubble with Stevey's thoughts on it, if I like it I will post it.
ballmerrules@gmail.com

Alright already, I'll leak it ... The ZunePhone!

I just wanted to wet your whistles, this thing is gonna make that iPhone look totally primitive! We still have it in developement but per my orders we are hastening our release date to the 1st qtr of 2009!
Hang on we are gonna change the world!

Apple's Software Sales are Actually Down by 32%!

You people have been reading that Apple and other U-nix OS companies have been gaining marketshare, I say, LIES! LIES! and more LIES! Let me explain:
If you look at the market for all software and hardware as a whole over the past 6 months, you will see that the Vista's transient productive derivitive variants delitive cost of all imbeded systems sold by registered wholesale outlets with cost driven by econnomic pressures in the wider static market has grown in Microsoft's favor by not less or more than the average accumulated cost when divided by the numbers of units shipped as opposed to the quanity of backordered residual orders!
You can see that we are clearly gaining not losing marketshare! All thanks to APPLE!
WHY?
Those stupid "Hi I'm a PeeCee, I'm a mac" commercials are back firing! The average person identifies with the PeeCee guy! They are actually increasing our sales! hahahahaha ... thanks for all of the free advertising Steve, we appreciate it.

However, since I'm a fair guy, I'll give Apple some free advice;
STOP THE COMMERCIALS!
It will help your bottom line and save you the cost of all that Chiatt-day agency. You need to do this sooner than later if you are truly interested in what's best for your company. I personally could care less.

Bill you made a mistake being nice to this guy!

Let's just tell the truth, Apple sells crap! This flower child had no business being on the same stage as Bill Gates! It was a bad move and I advised against it! He used Bill's charisma and popularity to peddle more of that feel good pretty looking tech that they push out of the pansey factory called Apple!
They spend all day copying our products years before we release them, examples:
We had Zune on the drawing board 4 years ago, then Apple released the iPod,
We were codinng Vista 5 years ago when they released a look alike called OS X,
Now they are about to release a knock-off of the ZunePhone 3 years before we get the first one out of the door!
The list goes on and on and on and on ..... Bill you were just toooo nice to this turtle necked snob, I woulda torn him apart with the facts!
Sorry about the rant, but this guy really gets my boxers in a wad.

Furniture + Computers = Furniputure

We are getting ready to take the next big step in the evolution of computers!
We here at Microsoft have realized for years that computers should be imbeded in homes, but how? Our solution, to make computers furinture or furniture computers. WOW! you say.
Our amazing demo at D: was just the beginning! We will eventually build software into everything: beds, dressers, bars, chairs, urinals, toasters, welcome mats, .... the possibilities are endless. Forget that crapware by Apple, Lie-nux, Son, ... we are the real deal, take my word for it, trust me, you are best off sticking with us. So don't screw up by switching.

I am not Steve Ballmer pretending not to be me!

Let's just get that straight from the very beginning here!
I have decided to get into this blogging thing with the rest of you people so I can straighten out some of the FUD out there about me. My image has been tarnished as of late by certain ner-do-wells an haters.
In the next few months I will set all of this crap straight, especially the Google and Apple crap!
You people should check in with me every few days to see what my thoughts are, you will learn a few things.

Zune ROCKS!