Revolutionary New Products Coming Your Way!

The cat is out of the bag! We will be releasing MSWorks 9 soon, the thing is it will be in the CLOUD! It will run on absolutely any computer with a broadband internet connection and running Windows Vista Ultimate with IE9. The new revolutionary part is that it will be totally web-based and ad-driven. Totally free to anyone who registers and passes the WGA test.
Store your .doc, .ppt, .xls files online! We have rock solid security built in this system, nobody, not even you will be able to access your files locally! The future is coming, I can feel it coming straight at me like a freight train!
For those who haven't upgraded to Vista, do so now, don't let this train miss you.
There's a new era coming, get onboard!

Who the Heck is this Pogue Guy anyway?

This guy's name came up in the morning briefing again, they called him a "dangerous MacEvangelist", I interupted and said "nobody is dangerous, there are just people we haven't bought yet", hahahaha.
Pogue's ignorant rants and use of juvenile comedy are just plain pitiful and self-serving. He peddles "missing manuals", DUH, If you wrote the manual, how can it be missing? The iTards fall for the carp sooooo easily.
I'm feeling generous today, I'll look over the report on this clown and make him the usual offer, why the heck not?

Brown Zune Sales, off the charts!

If there were ever any doubt about the brown Zune, let it now be dispelled, our Corporate Executive Vice-President of Marketing and Sales Statistical Accounting (CEVPOMASSA) Jeff Raikes, has informed me that our top selling Zune is now the brown! You see, I picked-out this color personally. Some of the dweebs down in marketing didn't like it, but they were quickly "silenced", at MS the CEO is the CEO!
I still felt though that some were still snickering, wagging their heads, disbanding, dropping the conversation when I came arround the corner. But, I WAS RIGHT! Brown is cool, hip, happinin', wit-it, now-maaaaan. All of the nay sayers can now eat their words, the brown is #1. I feel so good that I think I'll write a directive that next Tuesday will be "Brown-Day", everyone wears brown - everything.
Help us celebrate, go out, find another Zuner and say "let me squirt on ya wit my beautiful brown Zune baby!" -- too cool!

The Monkey-Boy Conspiracy! (pt 2)

This whole Monkey-boy conspiracy thing includes yet another FAKE film, I call it the "Developers, Developers". This my friends simply never happened! This film is not as grainy as the others and was obviously created by some other group than the other two films where they show me jumping, screaming, eating dirt, and generally losing my mind. This one had a higher budget, we suspect it had corporate backing (aapl). The actor in this one looks a lot like me, (Peter Boyle called me once and said it was him, he apologized, he said at the time he was being blackmailed so he did it). If that is not good enough, there is one dead give away: THE SWEAT! You see I do not sweat, I was born with a rare condition called Anhidrosis Glandofelimumia, I cannot sweat. I take medication weekly and always stay in cool environments. If I got hot like this guy I wouldn't sweat, I would swell up like a water balloon. The conspirators did not know this little known fact about me.
Spread the word, get the truth out, that's why I blog!

I don't really believe this one myself, but ...

... it was sent to me by a reliable source. I don't care to comment on this any further, I'm not on these guys team.

I am not Steve Ballmer pretending not to be me!

My critics (I have a few) have attacked me for using Google! My answer:
I am not using Google, I am USING Google! Hahahaha serves 'em right.
In the next few months I will set all of this crap straight, especially the Google and Apple crap!
For all of those who are trying to figure out who I am, I admit it:
I am not just another fake Steve, they are a dime a dozen. I am not me pretending to be Steve Ballmer. I am not Steve Ballmer pretending to not be me. I am me, not me pretending to not be who I am not because I am who I have told you who I am not all along.

Mac OSX under full-scale, unrelenting, system inhibiting, worldwide WORM rumor attack!

Mac worm rumors swirl; Dai Zovi ships unofficial Mac OS X patch!
We at Microsoft will never ever gloat over other OS's having problems with hackers and their diabolical malicious code attacking the very fabric of their systems. I feel Apple's pain, the frustration, confusion, the sense of utter helplessness in the face of a rumored worldwide assault on their product. However, I emplore all Mac users to come try Vista and it's rock solid security! You will find the interface quite familiar. Best of all you will get to deal with our tech support and WGA program. We patch every Tuesday, constantly monitor you, restart your system, make sure everything is licensed, .... security assured!
Don't take the risk of running a system with rumored virri, worms, hacks and bugs. We identify ours and patch on Tuesday.

ISO Fails to approve MS Open XML standard!

For the life of me I cannot understand these people and their "standards" committees! We try to do our best to work with them and they just stab us in the back, "it's got to do this, got to do that, got to be like ..., got to be compatible with ...". I say screw them! MS is running on 95% of all computers, whatever we make is the standard! How could it not be? I am beginning to believe that catering to these people is showing weakness. If we make our format MSXml, that is just that! Standard is simply what the majority uses, why do we need input from anyone other than ourselves? It should be up to our (few) competitors to figure out how to open our documents, if they can't they probably shouldn't be in the software business anyway!
That, is simply the way it is. Whatever we come up with is the defacto standard! Maybe I'll speak my mind to Bill when he gets back from Madagascar or wherever the heck it is that he is feeding scrawny kids this week.
Sheesh!

Ms Foley is Right! "Leopard looks like … Vista"

Back in June, Mary Jo Foley of ZDnet fame wrote a stunningly concise article, "Leopard looks like … Vista". Truer words were never spoken! Many of you peolpe out there do not realize the truth, all software is born at Microsoft, even our competitor's! You see the Apple hackers constantly scour our site for hints of what we are planing for the future, they send spys, moles, fake pizza-boys,... In their desperation they even steal experimental betas so far from production that even most MS employees don't realise that we are developing them. They then slap some of their crappy code under these interfaces and claim to have developed it first.
This is why Leopard and all of the so called versions of OSX over the past 5 years looks like Vista, you see, Vista is the real thing. We just take our time to make sure it is done right before releasing to the public. We care, we take our time, we do stable coding. Don't be duped by imitations.
Ms Foley, you have been backing down, trying to explain, apologising, ... DON'T! Stand strong, tell the truth, you were absolutely right all the time, "Leopard looks like Vista!"

The Future is in the Cloud! A Microsoft Cloud!

Most of you have certainly heard or read about the world-changing speech I gave at the MS Partner Conference! I said:
"We are in the process today of building out a services platform in the cloud,"
Yes, we have seen a future, a bright future where you no longer have to buy software, you rent it. You won't have to worry about illegal software, media, music etc... being on your PC, we will remove it for you. You won't have to worry about backing-up your personal documents, we will keep them for you in our cloud! Why bother with these things when we can do it all for you? The future is coming, and the key word we see for it is "conformity", Software as a service, constant monitorting, security assured. We will talk more in the next few months, I know you are all as exicited about this new direction as I am.

Watch my speech here: https://partner.microsoft.com/40044112

iRiots subsided, order restored, investigation pending ...

Yesterday the iRiots in the EU seemed to stop as quickly as they started! I personally find this very troubling, could all of this have been orchistrated by certain miscreants simply to get press for the pending European release of the iPhone? I am no conspiracy theorist, BUT, this all seems a little fishy to me ... and where was Steve Jobs (fake or real) during all of this carnage? It is nothing less than a miracle that loss of life was kept to a minimum, the only casualty was an Apple "genius" who lead an iMob into a Best Buy, he was crushed by a falling rack of Vista Boxes.
We can now account for the whereabouts of all but two MS employees who were last seen being carried away by a group of thugs wearing jeans and black turtlenecks.

Senate Hearings Find the iPhune UNAMERICAN!

There are few if any politicians that I agree with on anything, which is why I find it so amazing to watch this guy, Congressman Ed Mahkey. I have never heard a politico soooo on target. He went on and on and on about how unfair, anti-competitive, expensive, unimaginitive, unintuitive, intrusive the iPhone is! Signing that contract with iATT is like becoming a slave! America is about freedom Mr. Jobs! We don't want or need your little tricky device. Write your representitive and demand that they support this great American politician and his inquisition into the dangers that the iPhone poses to our way of life!

Michael Moore on Health? Look at him!

I'll bet you that this walrus-boy is an iTard!

Statistics Don't Lie! FSJ Down, FSB Up!

Gave my iPhone to Jr. who had a little fun with it!

XP is NOT! Out-selling Vista !

These rumors are definitely not true! It is pretty easy to prove that this is a big fat lie!
In the 2001 lst month launch of XP there were 17,000,000 boxes sold, but in Vista's 1st month we shipped 20,000,000 units! That's 3 million more units shipped than boxes sold! I quote a reputable website:
"In January 2002, Microsoft announced that sales of Windows XP had reached 17 million within the first two months of that operating system's launch. In comparison, Vista sales from January 30 to February 28 of this year amounted to more than 20 million copies shipped."
The demand for Vista is sooo great that we are phasing out the production of XP disc so we can keep up with the demand! People can then go into Best Buy and not get confused about which to buy.(Marketing tells me that confusion is responsible for 44% of all XP sales).
I guess all of this started when the Apple iTards claimed that we have sold tens of dozens of copies of Vista, Tens of Billions is more like it!

Shocked? Why? I'm an open minded fellow, I was shopping with the entourage when we passed a Mac store and ...

Wozniak Calls me begging for a Job!

I kinda feel sorry for this guy. He used to be a big shot at crapple, but now he is just a bloated shell of his former glory. Serves him right though, he did help develop the Mac and some more of those other toy-looking wanna-be computers. Woz, I will hire you! I need a new caddy/footstool/back-scratcher/fetch-n-tote-boy. Call me, ask Steve for my private number .... oops I forgot he doesn't return your messages, sorry about that, I'm paying minimum wage too.

I've Never even Heard of This Guy!

The Mexicans have obviously jimmied the books, they want some claim to fame. All of those spanish phone-cards couldn't add up to this much cash! Don't believe this stuff, Gates is and always will be #1 in the world!

iRiots, leave even me speechless! Pray for Hamburg, Monaco, Madrid and Salzburg!

I would like to assure all MS employees in the affected areas that we are lobbying your states. Lost work days will be fully paid until order is restored. Be brave, we are behind you!

iRiots Increasing in Europe! MS Offices Shut Down!

I have tried to call Jobs so he can make some sort of a statement that may quell the iMobs, he doe's not return my calls! Well he doe's have an iPhone ...

iPhone Causing Riots Arround the World!

I have no comments to make concerning this phenomina. I can only say that the iPhone is only actractive to a certain "class" of people!

The MonkeyBoy Conspiracy! (Pt 1)

This is one of those stupid internet pranks that I have been fighting for years now. For a while there I said "Oh forget it!"
I thought that the idiots would just give it up and people would eventually realize that this whole thing was a not so elaborate hoax. Anybody with a few hundred dollars could have produced this phoney video, I can prove it!
The guys at our media labs have gone over this video and issued a report, the results are eye opening!
1>> Grainiess: The film was run thru a grain filter then blurred by 33%! Why so that the person in it only vaugely resembles me!
2>> Stage: The two Monkeyboy videos were apparently filmed on a small stage in a tripple car garage.
3>> Shadows: Shadow analysis shows that lighting was only about 20' away, not stadium distance.
4>> ... there is more a lot more!

These fake videos have been a source of consternation for myself and family for some years now, any person truly interested in spreading the truth can identify with my pain.