Scandal! Apple Pays Staggering-Craig With Alcohol!

SCANDAL! Craig (Butt-ugly-drunken Irishman) Ferguson has railed against both the Zune and coming ZunePhone in his "comedy" bit for months and months! I knew there was more than meets the eye here so I had my personal Dick look into it, the results were eye opening!
It seems that one of Craig's best friends is an Apple "Genius", the Apple store Genius Bar isn't the only one they meet at too! It turns out that every time Craigy-boy rants on MS it was preceded by a meeting at "O'Riley's Pub" on 5th, where the genius buys drinks for poor Staggering-Craig while making monologue 'suggestions'!


I attempted to contact Craig to confirm some details of this story, but all his receptionist would tell me was that he was "out", I said, "yeah, out cold that is!"

So, You Think You Love Your Kids?

I love my kids! Do you?
Let me put that another way, do you let them use Macs?
I once had a grounds keeper (Ernseto) for the Northeast lawn, I gave him a 3400 sqft house, 68k salary, truck and performance bonuses. I went to the house one evening to complain about a dandelion I found near the east heliport. When I walked in I discovered he and his family had four 24″ iMacs in the place! I called the department of social services which took the kids to foster homes, I fired him and had him deported and made his wife a maid in the south-west wing!

Now you tell me if having a Mac is good for your children!

I'm not Using Youtube, I'm USING Youtube! - lol

Many were surprised the other day when we started posting Vista and Windows Live Commercials on YouTube! We are not afraid to go right into the very heart of enemy territory, to destroy the buggers from within! I am often critised for using Blogger but why not? I am "Using" them you see. I figured that if it was good enough for my FPB (Fake Persona Blog) it's good enough for anything else we market!

It's good to be CEO!

Soooo, This is What You People Think is Good?

I saw the mind numbingly stupid Chris Crocker "Leave Britney Alone Video" a while ago and was utterly repulsed by it! I said to myself, "these iTards are gumming up the entire internet with this YouBoob stuff!" I thought it got no lower than this. Was I wrong!
In Wired's "The Year in Online Video 2007" this piece of utter crap earned the #1 slot!

I'm more convinced than ever of the utter failure of the educational system and all of society itself!

People, people, people! Buy Vista and get a life! Puh-leese!

Happy New Year From Aruba!

These people started partying at 6:00 am. Sorry I couldn't hang with the rest of you up there in the snow, but I just wasn't up to it this year.
Imagine my surprise as we walked through the Chinatown quarter when I saw these tee-shirts for sale.They were selling like hotcakes too! I asked the vendor, "que es este?" He looked at me surprised and said, "Este es el falsido Steve Ballmer, es muy bueno, muy calliento".
I had no idea my FPB (Falsido Persona Blog) was so big down here. As we were on our way to the stadium they were playing "So Far Away From Home" by Balm on the radio too! ... Muy beuno, beuno indeed.

To all my gringo detractors, take this! ... (Oh you couldn't see that)

R.I.P. Netscape Browser!

It took sooo long for this thing to die!
Anybody remember way back in '93 or so when Netscape had the majority share of browser use and we were trying to introduce IE but nobody wanted it? We just issued an update to Windows 3.1 that contained the good old winsock.dll that disabled Netscape, lol (those were the days). When people complained, we claimed "it's a problem with their code!" After their developers figured out what we did (took about 2 weeks), we said we would issue a patch, we dragged that out for another two weeks.
By that time most users had switched to IE and Netscape would never be the same again!

Dang! We were such a ruthless bunch of bashTards!

... ahhh the good 'ol days!

Vista SP1 RC1 on the Streets - Happy Now?

Alright already, We have put out a release candidate for the Vista Service Pack 1!

Now let's see what the critics say!
I was getting pretty sick of them beating the old "Wait for SP1" drum. Soooo here ya go!

Download it here.

Some site named "Gizmodo" has already speed tested it vs Vista and XP on a dual quad-core Penryn HP xw8600 PC with workstation-class NVidia Quadro FX 4600 graphics, all eight processor cores running at 3.16GHz, a 15,000rpm SAS hard drive and 4GB of RAM. This machine is well within specs for Vista.
The **results speak for themselves:

Now! For goodness sake let the buying begin!
**Results only apply to Vista Ultimate run on any dual quad-core Penryn HP xw8600 PC with NVidia Quadro FX 4600, eight 3.16 ghz processor cores, 15,000rpm hd and 4GB of RAM - performance may degrade from there.

Apple Stock Over $200 - "DANGEROUSLY HIGH!"

The bubble is about to Burst again people! I have been warning you people that Apple's stock price is way, way too high ever since the beginning of '07 when it was way too high at $65! Now here we are almost a year later, they went over $200 for a little while. The stock is now 300% higher, thats more than 3 times more dangerous, 3 times riskier, you can lose it all people! Stop this madness now! SELL, SELL, SELL!
If you all had listened to me and bought Microsoft during the same period you would have seen your stock go from $26 all the way up to $37, that's nothing to sneeze at!

It's kind of like Ben Bernanke told me the other day:
"Would you rather be in the speed boat, skipping over the top of the water, headed for a certain fatal crash?
Or, would you feel safer in the rowboat which is certain to make it to the other side of the lake?"

Think people, think!

How Microsoft Would Redesign iPod Packaging!

Just another example of how we can improve that blank-sheet Apple packaging to something informative and functional!

Merry Christmas To Everyone!

Bill Buys $392,000,000 Worth Of Beer!

Bill is always looking for a good investment, when he told me that he just invested 392 Big Ones in a Mexican Beer Company, I was curious. I asked,
"Bill, you have never invested in anything like this before, beer, what's up with that?"
He looked at me kinda funny and said "Can I be honest with you Steve?"
I said, "Always little buddy" (He loves it when I call him that, kind of like the skipper and Gilligan).
He grinned and said,
"I figure that alcohol will be the next big thing. We, I mean you are going to yank the legs from under 900 million XP users next year and force them towards Vista. My brokers showed me a chart which clearly showed that for some reason people who moved to Vista increased they're alcohol consupmtion by an average of 15%. Yes, sir Steve. Alcohol/Vista, most analyst haven't made the connection yet."

I thought about it for a while, and you know what? I think Bill is going to quardrupple that investment within two years!

... a Zune Petition? Interesting.

Sianlee (king of Zunes), a member of Zunescene is sponsoring an online petition to get us to ship Zunes worldwide.
His Petition here. - The forum post here.
I have e-mailed Sianlee (king of Zunes), but he has blocked my mail. I guess he was offended by the last time I wrote him and said something about Aussies being inconsequential or something. However, I support his posting of the petition, we here at Microsoft love to hear from our customers, especially potential customers. I gaurantee that if his petition generates a sufficient number of signers we will act on it!
We will also take any free advertising however we can get it!

"Think Secret?" - Apple Finally Gets It!

I was trying not to comment on the whole "Apple Drives ThinkSecret Blog Into Oblivion" thing, but I'm tired of reading all of the, "I wonder what Fake Steve Ballmer says 'bout 'dat" post everywhere.
The reason I resisted commenting on it is because I hate praising that iTard Jobs and his wannabe computer/OS company! However, when I look at the whole ThinkSecret thing, I can't help but heap praise on them! Apple is finally behaving like a mature, professional, responsible to shareholders company!
DRIVE YOUR DETRACTORS INTO THE OCEAN!
I was impressed, I was surprised .... THIS is Apple?

Kudos Steve, you finally reminded me of .... well, me!

My latest Zune Idea: Plaid!

I got this idea when the guys at Zunescene started asking me what the next Zune colors would be. Then it occured to me, why not all colors? Look for Plaid Zunes this Spring!

I know, I know, .... thank you!

ChrisP, You Have Got To Be Kidding!

I was slumming in the Microsoft basement where we keep the NtN's (Nasal-toned Nerds). One of them very uncharacteristically approached me and spoke,
"Sir Mista Ballmer sir, have you seen what Chris Pirillo has been saying about Vista on his blog, Mista Ballmer sir?"
The NtN was waving his hands, shivering, sweaty, ... I keenly perceived that whoever this Chris guy was, he must be pretty important to NtN's. I of course would never admit to one of these basementers that I had no idea who or what he was talking about, so I just barked, "Bring this guy up on the BIG SCREEN!"
I then calmly walked over to the balcony to see what had the NtN's so upset on the "BIG SCREEN" (the world's largest 1440" x900" plasma display).
NtN: "Sir, Mista Ballmer sir, Behold ChrisP!"They started showing some uber-nerb's podcast, he was panting, scratching, crying, flailing, hyperventilating as he wailed and railed about supposed deficiencies in Vista.
ChrisP: "... Windows Vista has let me down, you down, it just does not work, I went back to XP, Lord have mercy! Lord have mercy! ..."I raised my hand, the video feed stopped. I whispered to the nerd, "... and why is this clown important?"
The NtN looked at me in astonishment and shakily replied,
"He is ChrisP, the cyber-nerd, there is none greater sir. That is other than yourself and Mista Gates, sir, Mista Ballmer sir."
The NtN's glasses had fogged up, he was crying, I said jestingly, "That question was only a test of your knowledge boy!"
I laughed, he snorted, all of the NtN's started snorting!

I then raised both of my hands, all of the NtN's froze in breathless anticipation of what I would proclaim, and proclaim I did:

"Be it known this day that the once great cyber-nerd, Chris Pirillo, has become a heretic! BUT! Fear not! I shall personally contact him and bring him back into the light of Vista! Until such time all of his feeds, blogs, podcast, ... are hereby banned from these premises! So let it be written, so let it be done!"

All of the NtN's were relieved as they scurried about to erase every reference to this Chris person that they could find!
They applauded as I went back to the elevator.
I just hope I remember whatever it was that I told them I was going to do tomorrow, whatever.

Sync My Ride!

I personally directed this one, enjoy:

But I'm going to sue over this one!

Surface to Surface in Spring!

The amazing Microsoft Surface Coffee table has been kept low key for a while, but now I'm proud to announce that it will surface this Spring. It will be available at certain Casinos, Hotels and restaurants at first. Once the public gets to interact with these world changing devices we will see a ground swell of demand for these in homes. We are going to be ready too, we will be making surface computer cutting boards, welcome mats, bath tubs, kitchen counters, doors, virtual windows, digital carpet, refrigerator doors, ... the possibilities are endless!
Those iTards at Apple believe that the future is in smaller and smaller, but as usual they are wrong, people want bigger and bigger. Why would you want a computer in your pocket when you could have one in your truck bed?

We have big plans for computing here at Microsoft and I for one am excited about it!

Answering The Tough Questions!

I was interviewed by USA TODAY's David Lieberman at the sixth USA TODAY CEO Forum, in conjunction with the University of Washington Business School:

Q: People get passionate when Apple comes out with something new — the iPhone; of course, the iPod. Is that something that you'd want them to feel about Microsoft?

A: It's sort of a funny question. Would I trade 96% of the market for 4% of the market? (Laughter.) I want to have products that appeal to everybody.

Now we'll get a chance to go through this again in phones and music players. There's no chance that the iPhone is going to get any significant market share. No chance. It's a $500 subsidized item. They may make a lot of money. But if you actually take a look at the 1.3 billion phones that get sold, I'd prefer to have our software in 60% or 70% or 80% of them, than I would to have 2% or 3%, which is what Apple might get.

But it's not like we're at the end of the line of innovation that's going to come in the way people listen to music, watch videos, etc. I'll bet our ads will be less edgy. But my 85-year-old uncle probably will never own an iPod, and I hope we'll get him to own a Zune.

Q: Would you agree with Steve Jobs that music companies should get rid of the digital rights management that makes it hard to copy songs?

A: I will not either agree or disagree. Every recording artist, in my opinion, is entitled to make their own decision. And I don't think Apple or Microsoft should be imposing its will on folks, because people will have different economic interests, different things to think about. We're a company that makes tools, and we're going to enable people to use those tools and make their own judgments as individual artists.

Q: When can we look forward to a Zune phone?

A: It's not a concept you'll ever get from us. We're in the Windows Mobile business. We wouldn't define our phone experience just by music. A phone is really a general purpose device. You want to make telephone calls, you want to get and receive messages, text, e-mail, whatever your preference is. The phone really is kind of a general purpose device that we need to have clean and easy to use.

Bill on Conan

Eight people were fired over this one!

New Zune Media Center Store Slogan!

The ad guys gave me a choice of three possible new slogans:
"Zune, Squirt a Friend!"
"Think Zune Baby!"
"Get a Zune, Get a Life!"
I hated the all! Then out of nowhere it hit me, "Life is Temporary, Rent Your Music!"
I knew it was good, they hated it! - I love being CEO!

The Poison Ive Files!

It was about noon, I was at my desk filling out my "plot of the day" forms when all of a sudden the entire room went "white", no pictures, no carpet, no furniture, just white. The hairs rose on the back of my neck so I whipped around, and there he was! It was the "Smoking Man", you know the guy from the x-files. I asked, "what are you doing here?" He puffed lightly, then said, ""I was hired by Department 666a for effect, I'm bringing you their report!"
I replied, "hmmm, this must be pretty important, 666a hasn't contacted me since the IBM thing!" - We both chuckled.
SMOKING MAN: "You can see sir it is entitled POISON IVE"
BALLMER: "Is that what you guys want to do? Seems a little extreme to me."
SMOKING MAN: "No sir, they just thought it was a clever name for the new Anti-Apple operation"
BALLMER: "Time is money, let's hear your report synopsis, chop-chop!"
SMOKING MAN: "Well sir, 666a has concluded that Jonathan Ive is more dangerous to us than Steve Jobs. He keeps Jobs on task, gives him great designs and ideas, keeps him inspired. Jobs makes the decisions, but, Ive gives him the good choices. Conclusion - Without Ive Jobs is just another CEO with an incompetent staff."
BALLMER: "I can see that, so what's the plan?"
SMOKING MAN: " We have already started it. We have seeded the media with stories about Ive wanting to take over from Jobs. Our psychologist say that it is 94.5% certain that Jobs will eventually become paranoid and fire him!"
BALLMER: "Good plan! Now how do I get all of my stuff back? Where did everything go?

There was suddenly a flash of light. POOF! Everything was back just like it was, the Smoking man was gone and the carpet and walls were back!
I said, " Wow, those 666a guys are good! All that's left is this report and the smell of cheap Turkish cigarettes!"

Introducing BALM! Surprised? I was too.

I was just fool'n around in the studio behind the south hangar when Bill, Oz and a few others came by unexpectedly for another impromptu Linux Destruction think-tank. Bill said, "I didn't know you played the axe Steve, I bang some mean keys myself, I think Oz kicks and TOG is a bass player". We all looked at each other, I said let's jam gentlemen!
What happened next was just pure magic! I can't explain it, we just jelled, meshed, we rocked, we JAMMED!
Next thing I knew it was 4:00 in the morning.
We rehearsed a few more Sundays and decided to give a free concert for MS employees in the MS Campus atrium, we tore the roof off da' house!
Some of the rythmless NtN's recorded a few of my compositions with StudioBand and posted them on Virb!

LISTEN, DOWNLOAD, ENJOY, and JAM! This is my gift to all of you!

Internet Explorer 8! - The Big Secret!

Some Internet "expert" (MOLLY HOLZSCHLAG) cornered Bill at a conference the other day and asked him about the, "Web and the browser conversation, which has pretty much shut down."
Bill looked at her like "duh-waaat?"
She cops an attitude (bad move, the Blackwater guys took tasers out, but Bill kept his hand up so they stayed back) she then asked:
"You guys don't say anything about IE8 any more, no betas, no press releases, nothing but rumors. They're not letting people talk about it. I do realize that there is a new engine, there is some other information, and this information is not being made public -- we are being asked not to talk about it. So, I'm concerned about that."
Bill answers with a riddle,
"There's a paradox about disclosure, which is when you're far away from doing something you're super open; when you're very close to doing something you're open; when you're making your cut list of what you can do and not do, then particularly because -- well – NEXT QUESTION!"

---

Once again I can tell you the truth since on this FPB (Fake Persona Blog) I am not me pretending to not be Steve Ballmer not being me.
- THE TRUTH:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS INTERNET EXPLORER 8!

You see, for the last year we have had all of our development teams working on Vista sp1!
Nobody has been working on IE8, we can't admit that to the public, so we just insinuate it's existence.

Next month we are gonna cram, throw together some code, move menus around, integrate some plug ins and shareware and call it IE8 beta.

Yes, I know! - I am goooood!
ps - I would have just had her tasered and dragged off.

Now THIS has got to be Dangerous!

As a public service I had some of our structural engineers do an analysis of the new 14th Street Apple Store "crystal Staircase". As I thought it's a death trap!
We sent the results to Jobs and their "engineering" staff. At MS we consider public safety ahead of everything else, but the Apple people did not reply.
A copy of the structural assessment has been sent to the NYC Bldg Compliance Council.

If you go into this "store" to gawk at what turns out to be more sculpture than architecture, for goodness sake, STAY OFF THE STAIRS!

ps, I just figured that Apple would build stores as shoddily as they do their computers

Zune Arts Videos are Great (Have we finally cracked that cool thing?)

Bill and the Innovation Thing!

Some nerdy blogger (we'll call him Snookie) had the moxie at a conference to ask Bill,
"Why Microsoft can't innovate? Everything is a reaction, a copy, a me-too knee-jerk"
I cringed when he said it, I know that this is Bill's hot button, he goes absolutely nuts when accused of this. Bill let the kid have it with both barrels:

......"I knew that three years later, Apple would come along. I must have been reacting in advance." (Laughter.)
......"The myth of all these things, .... Every stupid thing we did first!"
......"We can't change it. If you think we just imitate, then that's -- you just can't change it."
......"Did we do personal computing? Who did that damn personal computing thing!?
......"I remember Google invented Web search. No one did it before they did. It's very interesting how they did that. (Laughter.)
......"So, let history be rewritten at all times. But there's no way to get it straight, I guess. Go look at what Microsoft Research is doing, and then decide who are imitating and let me know!"This Fake Persona Blog is the only place I can tell you the absolute truth about this, that truth is:
WE STEAL, BORROW, BUY, DUPLICATE, ... EVERYTHING!
Creativity is too mushy for me, it's just a matter of opinion, who knows what people are going to like?
I won't chance it! Let someone else find out what's hot! All we have to do is copy it or buy them out.
Doesn't anybody remember when I spoke about "Buying Innovation" at the Annual Shareholders Meeting?

btw: Bill is crazy! He actually believes what he is saying, we just laugh on cue.

A letter from me, to me, about me, warning me to stop being me!

This is getting a little complicated and confusing! As I have clearly stated in the past, “I am not Steve Ballmer pretending not to be me!”

Well I was in my office the other day when Limberbagh (of Haroldstien, Kretch, Limberbagh, Cross, brenan and Joacobs, The on-campus day shift MS Offensive Legal Team) came excitedly into my office, he was flushed, breathing heavily and almost perspiring (Ive banned perspiration). He pants out,

“Mr. Ballmer, sir, something has simply got to be done about this Fake Steve Ballmer guy on the internet, he’s telling all of our secrets, lampooning you, generally making the company look bad sir!”

This is the third time that they have asked me for permission to take action against, me!

I figure it must be getting pretty serious in their minds and just telling them to blow it off would no longer be sufficient, so I had to throw the lawyers a bone. I said;

“… ya know Limber (I call him that). The internet of full of my admirers wanting to be me, I can understand that, if I weren’t me I would want to be me too! We don’t need to kill this guy, sue him, ruin his credit, warn him to cease and desist, or do any of the other dirty tricks from document 37. I think we should just send him a friendly letter telling him to tone it down some and stick to the company line!”

Limber was a little disappointed because he wasn’t going to get to utterly destroy this guy, I’ll make it up to him with the next dozen hackers we catch this afternoon! lol

I'm Going to Miss Evel! He Was One of My Heros: