Stop Calling For My Resignation!

I just read Robin Harris' article, "Yo, Ballmer, now it’s your turn!" and became rather upset by it's tone!
Harris is a long time Ballmer-hater, but this time he was especially mean toned, he says stuff like:

"Steve Ballmer may be the worst CEO among large tech companies..."
"- he hasn’t measured up."
"Any other CEO would have been shown the door years ago."
"Despite the incredible technologists in Microsoft Research, Ballmer could never get Microsoft on the technical leading edge in new markets."

He blames me for the billions lost on MSN, xBox, Law Suits, Google, bad acquisitions, .... on and on and on!

He looks at me like the Peewee Herman of technology, a clown, freak, dancing Monkey-boy bafoon!

YO ROBIN!
Everybody makes a few mistakes, so far I haven't! You just don't see the BIG picture guy!
Example: Yes xBox has lost billions for years, but we just had a profitable quarter! Every dollar we "lost" was a dollar that Nintendo and Sony also lost! If we can hamper our competitors, it's worth losing a few bucks! That's the BIG pictuire view, we didn't lose money, we sold at a loss and kept money out of competitors pockets!
Robin (he's a guy), you and all of these whiners out there will NEVER understand what it means to be the world's most powerful man, I DO!
So all of you "Ballmer Resigners" can just kiss my big fat buldging checkbook!

Balm - Taking Virb.com by Storm!

My band, Balm, has been on Virb for about a month and we are really going over big there! We are not signed with any record labels because of our positions at Microsoft, so I am thinking of starting my own! What do you think of , Vista Records, or Balm Records, or even MS Recording Co.?
Right now though and in the foreseeable future everything is still free and down loadable! The instrumentals are on just 20% of all Zunes now! Let's admit it, music sounds better on a Zune than an iPad!

This is just a note to thank all of Balm's fans so far and to encourage the rest of you to check it out! Don't let the fact that a few of you don't like me stop you, because you will love the music!

...ps:
Elton, yes you can perform "Without You" and "Trust in Him" anytime and anywhere you wish, all I insist on is attribution! The same goes for you Isleys and "So Far Away From Home".

SpaceStation Vista?

That wooly-headed Brit, Richard Branson came into my office with a proposal!
It seems that he has got the big-head ever since he won the x-prize award for being the first non-government Corporation to put a man in space last year. He started showing me charts, models, drawings, graphs, financial analysis, .... he was all excited, arms flailing, spitting when he talked, he said;
"Steve, I can get tourist into space! My only problem is that when you're up there for a few hours everybody starts puking! It gets rather unpleasant right quick you know?"
He then whips out more models, sketches, charts, ... he rambles on and on for about an hour, then he jumped up on my desk,
"What we need is for you guys to finance the Space Hotel! We will get them up there, you house them, we will clean up I tell you!"

I just leaned back in my Bunker-chair and said, "Sorry Dick, we already have plans of our own!" He was shocked, "we have been working on very similar plans for a few years now, they don't include you people." I stood and shook his hand, "could you please get all of this crap out of my office, I have a 5 o'clock appointment."
I waved goodbye as he loaded the "proton engine" model into the elevator, he looked pissed! I barely could restrain the laughter.

Of course I lied about having plans of my own, but I do now!

Mossberg Sees The Light! Hates The MacBook Air!

Noted technology journalist for the Wall Street Journal, Walt Mossberg, in his review of the Macbook Hot-air has somehow managed to break away from the spell that the Magician (Steve Jobs) cast on him some years ago. He writes:

"... Apple had to give up some features road warriors consider standard in a subnotebook, and certain of these omissions are radical!"
"... I can't recommend it for all!"
"... no ether, ... no dvd, ... no CD, ... no mouse, ... no mic line in, ... one usb port, too skinny, too light, too tall, smells funny, too hot, .... etc..."

Welcome to reality Walt, call me, we'll do lunch, anywhere you like, my treat!

ZuneScene Destroyed! Refugees moved to WarezScene.org

Apparently the entire massive forums database of ZuneScene has been attacked, hacked and destroyed by the administrator of another forum called WarezScene.org!
The ZuneScene site links have been redirected to this evil hacker's Forums. ZuneScene refugees are apparently being held hostage by the hacker Admin of Warez who is attempting to "convince" them of his cause!

THIS ATTACK SHALL NOT STAND!

The people who brought down the ZuneScene Forums will pay for this heinous and cowardly attack on innocent, peaceful, Microsoft-only forum-dwellers!javascript:void(0)
ZuneSceners, RALLY!

-Update: as of 10:48 pm EST ZuneScene has been retaken!

Microsoft's Profits Are Up a Huge 79 % !!!!

$6.48 Billion profit is nothing to sneeze at!
Vista pre-loaded PC's and laptops were slow starters but are now selling at a record clip! My critics are once again silenced! I told the board of directors:

"... all we have to do is to keep pushing Vista and eventually people would buy it regardless of all it's supposed problems! People are used to buying whatever it is that we make: smoking, drinking and buying MS products - hard habits to break! When they say, 'I can quit any time I want', that's when I know they are hooked!"

The other part of the profit picture is xBox 360/Halo sales! We can't make the things fast enough! Even though people know there is a 34.5% chance that their xBox will be defective, they are willing to take that chance and we are willing to take their money!

Who's the man baby?

Record Earnings = Record Stock Drop!

Confused? Apple announces record earnings and their stock's decline accelerates!
Think this makes no sense? Well you just don't understand what is really happening here, let me explain:
The analyst have finally forseen the coming utter, total, catastrophic colapse of this candy coated pansy company, but the public hasn't. The more money they make now therefore equates to greater ill-will in the future! People hate it when they realise that they have been tricked, duped, bamboozled, weezled, conned, schistered, played, shined and hosed! Especially when they have lost lots of money. Investing in Apple at this point is like throwing your cash away!Analyst KNOW Apple will not last the year because they have been reading the press releases coming from Microsoft over the last few weeks, in the next 4-6 months we will:
1. Release Vista SP1 = 6X Vista sales!
2. Release Vista SUTU (Super Ultimate Turbo Ultra) - Eclipses OSX by miles!
3. Retire Bill Gates beginning the Ballmer/BallmerSoft (BS) Era!
4. Announce a shipping date for the ZunePhone!
5. Announce ZuneTV
6. Buy controlling interest in Yahoo
7. Release the Cloud on the internet
8. Ship Sufrace Coffeetables, range tops, doors, Sync, countertops, chairs and mirrors
9. Continue our "Innovation by Acquisition" policy.

People, we are on the cusp of a brave new world! A Microsoft World! A BallmerSoft World!

IT WILL BE GLORIOUS! They may even change the calendar to BBS and ABS

The Truth About Windows 7

I am really getting tired of all this crap all over the internet about "Windows 7":
"Windows 7 Coming Out 2009"
"Windows 7 to Have Holographic 3D Interface"
"Windows 7 the Future of the Future!"
Vista sales are falling off because everybody is saying, "Keep XP until Windows 7".

THE TRUTH!

We have no idea what you people are talking about!

All we have time to work on at this point is trying to work on the supposed dificeincies in Vista! Wondows 7 only exist as a construct in the minds of a couple of the NtN's (Nasal-toned Nerds) in the Redmond Campus basement! Until you people start adopting, buying, loving and playing with Vista, I say: "NO Windows 7 FOR YOU!"

That Zucker is Turning Tail Again!

It was just back in October that I made an alliance with Jeff Zucker (NBC Chairman) to form the Apple Liberation Organization. However, now it appears that he is backing away from all of the trash talk he's been doing since then. I am mildly put "peaved" with him. He has not called to explain his public statements like:
“We’ve said all along that we admire Apple, that we want to be in business with Apple,” he said. “We’re great fans of Steve Jobs,” comments Zucker as reported by the Financial Times.
Not long ago he was speaking about these iTards worse than I do!
Is he going to go crawling back just because they have been losing a few million a month? Has this guy got no principles? I have stuck by decisions which over the last four years have cost Microsoft over Six Billion Dollars, now THAT is sticking to your principles!

Zucker, you need to contact me and soon!

Even I Thought This Was Me!

Another iPhone Killer Coming Soon!

Rob Enderle, (usually a good MS media drone) went off plantation this week, striking a positive tone toward Apple (punishment forthcoming). But he did mention one good thing. The HP Oak is slated to be released this Spring, it will put the iPhone to shame!
So if you were considering buying one of those things but were put off by the bad taste the very thought of purchasing an Apple product left in your mouth. Just wait a few months and you can get the Oak laid to you.ZunePhone is the next big thing, but I won't be able to get it out the door until well after Bill and the old guard are gone, this will do in the meantime!

BallmerSoft Coming This Year!

InformationWeek reports that:
"The list of those who have recently left Microsoft or are now leaving reads like a who's who of vets and top execs: Bill Gates, former co-president of platform and services division Jim Allchin, senior VP of Windows Brian Valentine, VP of Windows Core Mike Short, business division president Jeff Raikes, GM of platform strategy and Gates confidant Charles Fitzgerald, M&A chief Bruce Jaffe, and CIO Stuart Scott."

By August of '08 Microsoft will be a different Microsoft! All of the old-guard will be discarded gracefully and what remains and the new faces will be what I have code named my RST (Rubber Stamp Team).
To reinforce the newess of the new new company hiarchy I will propose a name change, "BallmerSoft".

New Mission Statement:
"BallmerSoft is a leaner, meaner, cleaner, machine which will focus on the decimation of competitors like a laser beam thusly maximizing returns to partners, investors and customers by eliminating the distribution of disruptive technologies".

A New Look, A New Philosophy!
BallmerSoft - Where Were You Supposed To Go Today?

This Guy May be More Than a Nice Hair Cut

Meet Our New CIO - A Disney Guy!

I figured it out! Apple has been doing so well lately because of the "Disney Connection".
You see Disney isn't just about giant mice, Disney is about the preception that they are a sharp bunch of leading edge guys who can really entertain! Jobs has got a lot of Disney guys around him, he even sits on their board of directors, he made their best selling movies, ... etc. People relate Apple with Disney! I said to my staff the other day that they should have figured this out a long time ago. To reinforce this point I fired three of them for no particular reason.
A few months ago I got rid of our old CIO, so I decided to replace him with a Disney Guy!
Now we have a "Disney Connection"!
I can feel the negative attitudes torwards MS changing already, people are saying:
"Microsoft has a Disney Guy as CIO, hmmm, they must be cool, I know they are cool!"

Everybody welcome D.G. Tony Scott former Disney CIO to Microsoft where he will assume the office of CIO, he comes from Disney where he worked for Disney as the Disney CIO of Disney headquartered at Disneyland in Anihiem California the home of Disney!
Tony will make a valuable addition to the team here at Microsoft where he will fit right in since he worked for Disney!

Microsoft CyborgMaker.05a Patented!

The software is still in developement but since FoxNews has leaked the story:

Microsoft System May Monitor Workers' Brains, Bodies
".... The Times has seen a patent application filed by the company for a computer system that links workers to their computers via wireless sensors that measure their metabolisms.The system would allow managers to monitor employees' performance by measuring their heart rates, body temperatures, movements, facial expressions and blood pressure. Wireless sensors could read "heart rate, galvanic skin response, EMG, brain signals, respiration rate, body temperature, movement facial movements, facial expressions and blood pressure," the application states."

Ofcourse the same old group of tin-foil hat conspiracy theory, black-helicopter, alien abduction, illuminatti (what's wrong with that?), new world order, anti-Guantanomo, Elvis siters and tree hugging peta eating, Masons taking over the world, boogy-man around every corner, nay-sayers have gotten upset by it!
Why? Well they say:
".....This system takes the idea of monitoring people at work to a new level with a new level of invasiveness but in a very old-fashioned way because it monitors what is going in rather than the results,....."
".....This system involves intrusion into every single aspect of the lives of the employees,...."
".... This is how the Borg began! ...."
Just let me say this you people, "You only wish we cared that much about your pitiful, insignificant, lives!"
What we in industry care about is production, if we constantly monitor the performance of pumps, valves, HVAC systems, capacitors, and software, why the heck would your performance, psychological and physical condition be out of bounds?
When you are in your plant, shop floor or office, you are a part of the "machine", shouldn't they be able to monitor temperature, speed, thru-put, just as they would any other piece of equipment?

In the end though, we are doing this for YOU! The more efficiently your employer operates and produces, the more money you can make for your families! WE CARE!

But can it Run Vista?

I'll admit it, this thing would be nice if Vista ONLY were installed. Does that mean I'm going out to buy one? .... You guess!

Cringely Has Lost His PBS Mind!

Cringely wrote some of his usual stupid predictions in: "Always Certain, Sometimes Correct: Bob's Fearless Predictions for 2008" He writes:

"8) Not only will Bill Gates be retiring from Microsoft in 2008, CEO Steve Ballmer will, too. No word yet on his successor."

Just let me put it this way, EAT MY STAINED SHORTS!!!
I have worked too long and too hard to quit or be run off at this point! Bill is leaving and it's my time to shine! To show the world that I was being held back all these years! To do things MY WAY!
How this PBS wannabe journalist, peta eating, tree hugging, tiny car driving, nasal-toned-nerd got an idea like this is way beyond me!
Mark my words:
2008 will go down in history as the year Steven Anthony Ballmer was let loose on the world baby!

Very Sleek, Powerful, Thin, ... BUT:

It's a little too Sleek: This thing looks like something off a low-budget sci-fi movie where the hero is killed in the end by some kinda weirdo alien.

A Little Too Powerful: Do these people ever think of the safety of the public? I expected a Celeron, a Core-duo will fry this thing. I have no doubt that this thing will double as a heat-pad!

Too Thin: Let's admit it! Physics is just physics, who thinks that I could sit on one of these platters (accidentally) and it would survive!

--- Trolls you have your marching orders, now get to it!
--- More to come

Happy iBrick-day!

Well, it's iBrick day!
The world waits to see what goodies Steve Jobs will pull out of his personal wormhole to 2066 for them.
I'm here at the Muskcone center too (in disguise), some reporter is standing next to me broadcasting, he says,
"...the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife! What? Oh What does Steve plan to do today? Will he levitate 18 inches above the stage as rose petals from nowhere rain upon the adoring throng? Will he bring back the developers from the Hale-Bop Comet? Will he reach into WH2066 and pull out a flash crystal slate computer? ..."

I personally think he will sell iBricks, just as I predicted!

Bi-Partisan Support For Vista!

We have finally gotten Vista GL1 (Government Level 1) approved. The first new OS to be approved in less than two years.
All it took was a lot of under the table deals, donations, promises, campaign contributions, Aruba trips and junkets, .... same old stuff just in record time! Now government employees will have to upgrade to Vista via fiat. I love this country!

Best Election Coverage!

I'm not a political guy but for some reason I love the "Red State Update", I watch them all, check out this one:

Jobs to Introduce iBrick at MacWorld!

I once told Bill that I thought Steve Jobs was so slick that he could sell high-tech Bricks to all of those cultie iTards out there! Well, he is going to keynote on Monday and that is exactly what I think he is going to do! If he "One mo thang ya'll" then introduces the iBrick he will get a standing ovation, the media will hail it as a world changing break-through, Microsoft's demise will be predicted and all of the blogs will prominently feature quicktime 3d images of it!

The i-Slickster is coming, they have already put up banners in the Muskcone center saying. "Something is in the Air!"
I suggest that whatever it is, you don't inhale too deeply!

WorldWide Zune Petition Catching ON!

Words fail to describe this movement, let these photos speak:Amazing! Maybe the Aussies, Vietnamise, Palestinians, Indians, Chinese, Russians, ..... really do want these things. I'll have to talk to marketing again! Good work SainLee!

Bill's Last Day Video!

From CES Sunday, this was the best thing that's happened the whole conference!

Clinton Proposes F.B.A.!

WIRED reports:
"Clinton Chasing Youth Vote: 'We Should Have a Government Blogging Team!"
"We should even have a government blogging team where people in the agencies are constantly telling all of you, the taxpayers, the citizens of America, everything that's going on so that you have up-to-the-minute information about what your government is doing, so that you too can be informed, and hold the government accountable," ....

I will be quite on this, MS policy is to shutup about stupid politicians ideas, they quite often win, then come after you hell bent on revenge!
hr

Barrack, watch your back, Hillary's opponents tend to be "accident prone".

Bill Preparing to Bow Out at CES! - YES!

Bill had a Star-studded, funny, cute, witty, quirky, interesting, inspired, little film with him at CES where he showed what his last day at Microsoft in June may be like! There was one scene I particularly enjoyed though: There was more too, here are a few scenes:For the rest of the speech, Bill rambled on about "connectivity". Robbie and a few MS-babes presented some more stuff too, yadda, yadda, yadda.... The important thing is that I am getting closer every day to being able to do everything "MY WAY!"

Dan Lyons Favorite Subject, This Blog!

Fake of a fake fake copy-boy Dan lyons aka FSJ is traveling the world on his book tour, his favorite subject, "Fake Steve Ballmer".
He says the blog is no good, but he can't seem to stop talking about it! Go figure?
He has several extra stupid theories:

1. This blog is actually manufactured in Redmond by nerds in the Microsoft basement.

2. That this blog is actually written by John Dvorak.

3. That this is a "me too" blog, I am copying him.

Like I have said before, "Thiis guy is all washed up, a hack, yesterday's news, unoriginal, burned out, a fake of a fake!"
I am surprised that anybody even bothers to still read that crap he urinates all over the web!

Check Out The Virb Video - Balm

First Video by Fake Steve Ballmer! The first jamm'n fake CEO blogger in the world! Original instrumental composition, "So Far Away From Home" by FSB! Enjoy!!!

Why I Hate Psychologist!

My wife nagged me about the way I walk about the mansion most of the night, "Go to see a psychologist, you are just too worried about all this Mac and Linux stuff". My wife is the only person on earth that could get me to see a headshrinker! (She was driving me crazy anyway). I agreed, she set up an appointment for the next morning (she knew I wouldn't).
That morning I found myself in the office of Dr. Eric Huntin, he was a 60 something tall gauntly guy with a scruffy beard and a pony-tail. I stepped in, shook his clammy hand, looked him in the eye and sternly said, "I don't want to be here, you have my dossier, I think all of this crap is a bunch of mumbo jumbo! I'm a busy man, you have exactly 15 minutes".

HUNTIN: "I appreciate your candor sir, I will get right to it! " he gestured towards some funny looking couch, "Please lie down sir, Mr. Ballmer sir".

BALLMER: "I'll just stand right here near the door, it's more efficient that way", he went to his desk and opened my dossier, "14 minutes!"

HUNTIN: "I spoke with your wife at length this morning before you got here, according to her you are obsessed with destroying Apple, Google and something called Linux. Your incessant scheming against them keeps you up most of the night; as a result your love life is nonexistent, your relationships are strained, your employees are in a perpetual state of fear of you, your personal grooming is lacking and you have alienated all but Mr. Gates."

BALLMER: "So I'm an executive! What's the problem doc? Give it to me straight! - You have 10 minutes"

HUNTIN: "Sir, you really are a Mac lover escapading as a PC lover/Mac hater/head of the evil empire. You thrive on iTards replies as a way of validating your love of all things Macintosh. But it's going to take further examination to determine why you are a closet Mac lover. Did you have a crush on Steve Jobs at one point in time? A crush that ended with a restraining order?? Hmm. Your hatred is known as "projection"...it's really yourself that you don't like. So now we need to examine this. Why don't you like yourself? Looking at your actions, we can conclude that it's because of the guilt generated by producing Windows. You know it's wrong, so you lash out at those attempting to help you. Just give it up, use your ill-gotten gains to buy lots of Apple stock, and you will feel much better!"

I did not react at all, I just stood there and stared at him for the next 9 minutes as he went on and on.

HUNTIN: .......... and in conclusion sir you suffer from delusional seizures and dream deprivation brought about by psychotic insomnia fueled by several acute neurisises in conjunction with the most severe case of targeted bi-lateral paranoia I have ever seen!

The guy was exhausted! I took one step towards his desk, he leaned forward in anticipation of my reply, I said, "One minute!"
He slumped in his chair.

BALLMER: "What kind of computer do you have at home?"

HUNTIN: "Well, errr, it's a mac, but, but, but that does not matter, .... I uh, you uh, ...."

BALLMER: "I thought so! You people are all against me! ... Time up!"

He was right about one thing, I need to get a few hours sleep every now and then.
I then walked straight out, when I looked back I think he was crying? I think that guy needs some help, not me!

Just A Reminder From The RIAA

I wish so many of you people would stop yanking the RIAA's chain!
They were just about ready to declare ripping your cd's to the harddrive as theft! I worked out a compromise with them though. For the next year tech websites will feature random posters discouraging this type behavior. At the end of 2008 the effectiveness of this campainn will be assessed. So cut it out!