Finally! Someone Who Understands!

One of the NtN's (Nasal-toned Nerds) pointed out Anand Iyer's Blog to me, I had a few minutes between OSSS (OpenSource Sabotage Strategy Sessions) so I decided to read a little of it, what I found sincerely moved me! He actually wrote this post:
"Steve Ballmer is misunderstood!"
I continued to read, I was rivited! He said stuff like:

"I can see how Ballmer can come across as a mean, shrewd and cocky person who likes to eat babies and kills people for sport, but I'm here to tell you that Ballmer is probably the most intelligent, tactical and loyal person I've ever known!"

I was nearly moved to tears as I read this:

"... people have to realize that this man sleeps like 4 hours a day, if that. Every word coming out of his mouth has the potential to change the world in some way. It'd be ridiculous to think that everything he says out loud hasn't been planned or rehearsed multiple multiple times (some people think he just mouths off)."

He even realised my own inner struggles in trying to get people to see the real me! The Steve Ballmer inside! He writes again:

"In trying to deal with people who think Ballmer is a psycho, I've found that personal experiences don't work so well."

He winds it up with this cogent statement:

"Ballmer is Microsoft. Ballmer comes across as a mean bully, but I can only guess that this persona he carries around is for good reason. And he says what he says for good reason. What I like about him the most, is that he doesn't care what anyone thinks. He's trying to do his job and keep the company successful no matter what it takes, and for that, I totally respect the man!"

NEVER before have I sensed that anyone so understood the inner me, the pains, the inner wars, the conflicts, the duties and personal sacrifice it took to be who I am!
There was just so much information in his blog, actually too much! Some of it violates certain confidentiality agreements in the standard MS employment contract. So I took a monent to compose myself, I slowly, deliberatively reached over and pressed the intercom button for my secratary and gave her this memo:

"Call the Human Relations Department, tell them to have Anand Iyer's employment with Microsoft terminated immediately! He, more than anyone else will understand why!"

On to the OSSS.

$1.3 Billion EU Fine - They Won't See a Euro!

EU Courts still trying to extort money out of us?
Everybody should know what I think of European Laws, they are stupid, socialist and contradictory! But, sometimes that is a good thing! You see, they are so confused about what their own laws are from state to state that we can pick and choose which to "interpet" as being in full compliance with! LOL, By the time we pay those greasy-haired, black-toothed, garlic-smelling, cheese-sucking, shack-dwelling, lie-telling, funny-talking, American-hating, baggy-pantsed surrender-monkies, I will be a very old man introducing Windows Hologram Server 2016!

HEROS in the Server Farm!

Today I was glad, proud, elated, inciplicated, to officially launch our Windows Server 2008 Suite of products!
At the "rally/news conference" I waxed eloquent in praising IT workers, calling them the "Heart and Soul" of our industry!

"They are HEROS! One and all! They wade through the pirana-infested waters of the internet! Battle the dragons of bad code! Fight off the anti-Microsoft trolls! Slay the demon-hackers! They fearlessly, boldly blaze the trail of technology leading the masses into the shiney, glowing city of the future! A beautiful future! A Microsoft dominated future!"
I was so excited that I didn't realise that I was flailing my arms, leaping up and down and drewling on the podium. I'm just glad that we banned video cameras or I would have another one of those Monkey-boy videos to deal with!

Folks, Windows Server 2008 is just that good! If it doesn't have you flailing, leaping and drewling after using it for a few days, you just don't really understand what you are looking at!

The Roz Ho ZunePhone!

I figured that you have to fight fire! So that is why Roz Ho (don't say it!) iTard extraordinaire and former head of the Macintosh business Unit, was put on as head of the super double extra secret ZunePhone/Danger Electronics intergration project, BOY! Have they been working fast! This thing looks even better than our old ZunePhone mockup!

Get ready world! The ultimate iPhuneb KILLER is really on it's way this time really, really!

Zunes, Zunes, Zunes Everywhere!

Apple is becoming the Microsoft of mp3 music players, only difference is they aren't cool like us! Think about it, would you rather be Steve Ballmer or Steve (turtle-necked freak magician) Jobs?
Got a few minutes? Watch this:

Want to talk to someone about the Zune? Try one of these forums where the cool Zuneys hang out:







Ofcourse ther are hundreds more, so remember: "Zune Now, Squirt Me Babe!"

... The Notion of Standards ...

From Microsoft press conference announcing “new interoperability principles” this week:
BRAD SMITH: With respect to other (commercial) distributors, and users, the clear message is that patent licenses will be freely available.
STEVE BALLMER: Patents will be, not freely, will be available.
BRAD SMITH: Readily available.
STEVE BALLMER: Readily available for the right fee.

STEVE BALLMER: We are continuing to pursue the standardization of Open XML through the ISO process. It's certainly consistent with the notion of standards, and standards support, and a number of things articulated in the principles. We will, from time to time, in conjunction with industry participants, look to lead the standardization process, and sometimes we will look to be on the receiving end implementing important standards, and the principles comment is to both of those. So, yes, we are continuing through the standardization process with a variety of industry participants on Open XML.

Can anybody out there tell me what all of that meant? Good!

The 'Ol OpenSource Trap!

The International Organization for Standardization votes again next week on wether or not to approve our Office Open XML document formats. My PI, Jack Stone informed me last week that the votes in favor will fall short of approval again! His report said that we were going to fail spectacularly agian, because most of the members of the board thought of Microsoft as (I quote:) an "Insular, self-obsessive, paranoid entity which cares nothing for standards or interoperability even amoung it's own applications!"
They simplly don't realise that getting OOXML approved as an international standard is the lynch-pin of my whole strategy to undermine the entire OpenSource movement!

Then the answer came to me!
"Just lie to them!"
That is what the big announcements were about today! I paraded out all of the Microsoft top brass and had them say that we are ready to work with the Free-freaks and OpenSource morons! The press is eating it up too!

"Microsoft finally learning to let 'X' talk to 'Y'"

"Microsoft to share information"

"Microsoft opens door to open-source software community "

"Microsoft Pledges To Open Up Software"


WOW! I'm a hero again!
How can they vote against me now? I have repented brother! This poor standards-sinner has seen the light! Halleuah!

As an unexpected side effect even those filthy, greasy-haired, garlic-smelling, bad-teethed, snail-eating EU judges who keep ruling against us are believing us! lol


HAWWWW GLORY! hehehehe

Sydney, Sydney, Sydney, ....

When Bill, the "RubberStamp Team" and I started Balm, we had no idea how popular we would become! Bill came into my office last week and told me that he was going to be on another vacation (that's all he does now-a-days) in March, this time in Australia. He chastised me for being too busy to practice lately, but I reminded him that I was "conquering the internet!" He wasn't impressed. He just sternly said to me:
"Guy, we have to rehearse! We need better accoustics than in your hangar too! And I have got the perfect place! It's got the best accoustics in the entire world!"
I said, "you don't mean the Sydney Opera House?" He smiled, nodded his head and winked at me. I laughed and said, "Man, you are one crazy guy!"

OOPS! I forgot! Bill goes crazy whenever anybody calls him crazy!

He snapped his finger and had one of his Blackwater bodyguards (there's always at least one with him) jack me up and pushed me against the wall. He angrily screamed, "cra-cra-crazy! I 'aint cra-crazy!"
Dispite being in a choke-hold, I managed to calmly apologise, "I'm sorry Bill, I'm the one who's crazy! I meant cool, man you are one cool guy!" he snapped again and the BWbg instantly released me, as I staggered to my desk to get a drink, Bill said:
"Sorry 'bout that, I lost my temper again", I couldn't speak so I just motioned to him that is was OK.
He then said in his most commanding tone,
"I have the Sydney Opera House all night on March 12th, you and the guys be there. We are gonna' jam baby!"
I gave him a huge smile and a great big yes nod, he then left.


I looked around to make sure I was alone and raspily whispered, "Geez! That guy is crazy!" Sometimes he just snaps!

Winsows Home Server, Yeeehawwww!

These ads are about the slickest we have ever put out! Check out StayAtHomeServers.com

There are four videos on StayAtHomeServers.com so far, more on the way!


*Use of Windows Home Server's remote access features may require additional services from your broadband provider, such as access to certain "ports" that some providers may block for customers on some service plans. Contact your broadband provider if you have questions about their services or service terms.

Steve Fossett Declared Dead!

The courts have declared Steve Fossett to be legally dead. I had said earlier that I hoped that Steve was just laid up in some HongKong flat with a couple of Thai girls (again).
I can't help but wonder, "is something else going on here?"
There has never ever been this level of technology and manpower put into a search for anyone in history, still zilch!
I'm no conspiracy theorist, but, you have to admit this is interesting.
I know the UFO abduction people will have a theory, the Bermuda triangle types, pre-tribulation rapture people, Ozone holers, Swamis', Occultist, ghost busters, trekkies and grassy knollers; but let's be serious! Area 51 is only 200 miles NW of where Fossett was headed (I've been there), what do they know? Could he have been shot down? Beamed out? Black holed? Time warped?


If the Courts are right (more than likely) Steve is now on the ultimate adventure, good luck Steve!

ZuneRiots Reignite! Foreigners Want Zune!

Once again words fail to describe this movement, let these photos speak:Thousands came out in Germany! (Too bad I don't like Germans)
These people's passion is higher than even I thought!
I was actually inspired by this one, they really want the Zune!
Some people are getting a little carried away, litterally!

As quickly as the last round of ZuneRiots came and left, they have once again flared up around the world!
I promise that once Bill and that old crowd are gone I will see to it that the worldwide demand for Zunes is quenched!

Be Nice! Be Red!

Microsoft Windows and Dell have joined (RED) to help eliminate AIDS in Africa. When you buy a Dell (PRODUCT) RED PC with Windows Vista Ultimate (PRODUCT) RED, Microsoft and Dell will jointly contribute $50 to $80, depending on the product, to the Global Fund. With Windows Vista Ultimate (PRODUCT) RED, these aren't just the ultimate PCs, they're a powerful way to improve lives.

I know that the readers of this blog are a compassionate lot, so join up now!
(clicking the desktop pict will take you there)

Thanks, FSB

Don't Miss MIX '08!

We Didn't lie!

 The world has learned of yet another earth-shaking deal (I have a lot more on the way), we are purchasing Danger Electronics, maker of the hip-top Sidekick Phone and OS!

Why would Microsoft buy Danger? Isn't the answer obvious?

Z u n e P h o n e !

Danger Electronic's founder, Joe Britt, was once a Microsoft employee and he has been working feverishly for eleven years to get back! Congratulations Joe!

My fellow ZuneSceners are in an uproar because they think we at Microsoft lied about our intention to develope a ZunePhone. Hey! Fellas, I have told you for months of MY intention to ZunePhone the world! If we "mislead" the "outsiders" it's not a lie, it's a strategic move. 

Note to Apple and the iPhone crowd:

Be afraid! Be veeery afraid! ZunePhone is on the way!

The Hellary Problem Back Again!

It didn't take Hellary as long to realise that I sent her only $10 as I thought it would!
She called repeatedly today, but I was "unavailable". How she got my phone number at the mansion, I have no idea, but she did and this annoyed me! She really chewed me out over the "mistake", she accused me of being a fachist woman hater and showing utter disdain for her. I was already in a bad mood over the Yahoo rejection so I may have been a little abrupt with her when I replied:

"My disdain for you Hellary has nothing to do with you supposedly being a woman! I love women and would vote for one for president readily. But, I would never vote for anybody just because of gender: think back to you and Bill's administration, all of the spies, lies, corruption, deaths, smears, immorality, backstabbing, laws broken, drugs, bribes, Chinese spies, payoffs, character assasinations, assasinations, investigations, using dead people, theft, obfescations, stealing china, destruction of public property, threats to bimbos, assaults, rape accusations, sex not sex, asprin factory murders, tyrant coddling, Whitewatering, Rose law firming, missing files, DNA disapearance, Foster bodies, Lies in diaries, lawyers commiting suicide, hidden agendas, payoffs, Luewinskiing, coverups, mismanagements, bodies in the parks, bodies in the cell, bodies in the water, bodies on train tracks, nuclear secrets being sold, FBI files stolen, hiring bouncers to rough up people, blackmailings, travel office scandals, stealing Whitehouse furniture, double talk, cult genocides, document shreading, planes crashing, Ron Brown coverups, document suppressions, (I went on for about five more minutes)..... all with YOU, Hellary right smack dab in the middle either orchestrating, enabling or covering up!"

There was complete silence on the other end of the line for a few seconds. I broke the silence and said,
"Other than that I have nothing against you.

She then said (in an errie kind of tone),
"My! You sure have a good memory Steve!
Now, back to the money problem, all you need to do is buy 2500 copies of my book! The people of this great country would appreciate it!"

I went, "Krrrrrrr, Krrrrrrr, sorry there's something wrong with our connection! Krrrrrrrr, Krrrrrrrrr!" **Click**

hmmmm, I feel relieved now.

Yahoo says NO? Well Not Really!

Yahoo's board of directors has formally rejected my overtures to take over their sinking ship just as I thought they would! The journalist are making this into a big deal, but it's really not, it's called NEGOTIATION people! I understand that it's negotiating on a level waaaaay above anything you people have ever experienced so I will try to put it in terms that you all can understand.
I'll use a parable:

When I was in my freshman year I became infatuated whith a hot little number named Yolanda (dang she was fine).
All of my friends kept saying, "Steve, she is out of your league!" I would reply, "waddayah mean?" They would answer, "she's beautiful and smart". But, did I listen to them? Well, yes. Until one day, she came up to me and said, "Hi Steve, I'm Yolanda, my brother's friend Bill says that you like me and would probablly be willing to do all of my accounting assignments for me."
I replied in a masculine tone "why, sure Yolanda, but it'll cost you a date." She sighed, stared, rolled her eyes and said, "tonight, 8 PM, behind the bleecchers!" She then handed me a huge wad of papers," have all of these done when you come, toad!"

As she turned and marched away, I yelled (loud enough for all of my friends to hear), "It's a date baby! I'll bring a blanket!" (I always had a way of speaking to the ladies that just made them go wild)

I ran back to the dorm, skipped two classes, it took a lot of crunching but I finished all of the test, reports and assignments for her by 7:45, I boxed it all up, grabbed my Farrah Blanket, ran across campus and made it under the bleechers at exactly 8:01 PM.

She said, "You are late! Gimme the papers!" I gave her the box, then I spread the Farrah Blanket out. She threw me two pair of handcuffs and said sweetly, "Get down on your hands and knees, cuff your wrist and ankles, lay down on the blanket, eyes closed!" I complied and said, "Kinkyyyyy!" She then said in a very sexy tone, "I'll be right back sweetie."
I stayed there, eyes close, waiting for about two hours before I realised she tricked me!

I knew though that she would be coming back, because in my rush to get there I brought her a shoebox containing my old converse high tops! ew!

Yahoo will be back too.

Open Letters Mean Closed Minds!

One of the NtN's (Nasal toned Nerds) rode the elevator all the way up from basement level -17 just to tell me how upset he was over, "An Open Letter to Steve Ballmer" by Arik Hesseldahl on the Businessweak.com website!
With labored breath he exclaimed:
"Mr. Ballma sir, they had no right! They just keep on cricker-cricke-criticising everything you do!"
He was visibly shaken and sobbing, the poor lil' creatures are sooo emotional (they hate it when anybody questions me). I reassuringly patted his head and told him,
"Now you know, I have all of this under control! You just descend on back down to the basement, get some of the other NtN's together and send that mean 'ol Forbes.com one of the nastiest viruses you all can think of!" He smiled, nodding his head quickly. I continued, "Remember now I never told you to do this, but you whack 'em gooood!" He was so happy as the elevator door shut, "Yes sir Mista Ballma sir, **snort** we will fix them! **snort** Just you watch! **snort**

I then went over to my Vista SUTU desktop and read this supposedly "open letter".
When I finnished reading it, (I won't waste your time commenting on it's libelous content here), I buzzed my secretary, "Yes Mister Ballmer". I said, "Betty, send a memo to department 666a, personal destruction division, tell them to look into this Arik guy at Forbes.com, execute a level 1 career-ender protocol on him, I don't like his attitude!"

Betty: "Very well sir, will there be anything else?"

"Yes, get me some more hand dissinfectant gel, I touched an NtN just now."

Vista Got Me Busy, Boyz in da Hizzy! Uh, Ye-ah!

The PR guys suggested that I update my image in order to "touch" the urban kids that came to the Microsoft Campus for Minority Student Day in Redmond. So I went down to the local studio props room and they "hooked me up", yeah, uh, yeah baby, man yeah I was a stone cold thug straight off the streets of upper Vernon Woodington Hills! I got used to my new rags in no time and next thing I knew I was on stage in front of 500 minority kids at MS East Lecture Hall.
I busted some free-style rhymes:

"Uh yeah, Vista b the Mack of this Hizzy! B-Slappin down, down, down, down to the ground all the odda' posers and dozers! Rollin' phat, got a Zune-tatt, Windows all dat, ratta ratta tatt! Yeah uh, uh, huh. Lay'n down the heavy hand on Yahoo, might just have'ta borrhu, I the man, doin' all I can, punk'n out da nerds, do you understand, got a kick'n plan! uh yeah uh yeah, uh, huh.
Apple, Sun, dey all done! Cisco, Google, chill out Duggle. Take'n out the net, walk'n it like a pet, you know me? All a ya'll kin see!
Uh yeah, yeah uh ...."

Then all of a sudden!

My alarm clock went off! I rolled over and saw Wellington standing there with my clothing for the morning.
He said, "Mista Ballmer sir, you were sleep rappin' again".
I asked, "how was I?" He raised an eybrow and replied, "You are definitely getting better, uh, homey!"
We laughed, I do that with the help sometimes.

Dang! You Journalist/pundits/Analyst Are Fickle!

When I first announced my Yahoo offer, the headlines were positive, glowing, gleefull, dowright Giddy! They proclaimed, "..a new day of technological convergences which will lead to radical changes in computing as we know it! Ballmer is a genius!" ... I read this kind of stuff all day!
BUT NOW!
The tide has turned! I Yahooed the deal and could not find one story where anybody thought the Yahoo acquisition will be a good idea!
"Will Yahoo Feel The Love?"
"Yahoo's investors impatient!"
"Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang ..... in no hurry to accept its $44.6 billion takeover offer, ..."
"Yahoo makes no decision yet on Microsoft buyout offer!"
"Yahoo seeking ways to avoid a Microsoft takeover!"
"Scrutiny for Microsoft-Yahoo deal!"
"Murdoch says no plans for Yahoo! bid"

Why is it that when people start thinking about details that they become skeptical? Details are unimportant! It's our good intentions which are paramount! I'm calling our PR guys, kicking their tales, they are supposed to control this kind of stuff!
I AM GOING TO BUY YAHOO NO MATTER WHO LIKES IT! Do you people understand, or do I need to stick a bullhorn in your ear?

Sheesh!

JANET! - Oh My!

It turns out that just two weeks after I went on Virb.com with Balm that I picked up one of my first fans, Janet! - Oh My!
She went from the occaisional, "I love that new number Stev'o" to "Let me text message you Stev'o". Janet! Oh My!
She even followed links on the Virb site to this blog, after reading a few dozen post she became very concerned an TM'd me,

"Hi Stev'o, Janet here, I was just reading your FPB (Fake Persona Blog) and was convinced by your post to replace that stupid old Macbook Pro I got last year with a shiney new 20.1" HP Pavilion HDX Entertainment Notebook, I maxed out all of the options on it and had the best of software pre-installed, price - $9,324.59. But, I have not been able to get much work done on it: I seem to spend quite a bit of time hitting cancel or allow, restarting freezes, and trying to get it to connect to the studio networks, the few times it has worked it is as slow as a snail and can't connect to scanners, printers, or any other devices. Stev'o baby, I really want to go all the way with this but I'm having so many problems, please help, - Janet."

I wrote her back, "It takes a while to see the value in Vista, just hang in there, call tech support often, replace all peripherals which are not supported and avoid 'mixed' networks, it's just that simple and easy Janet! (Oh My!) Write me back as soon as it's all straightened out."

That was about three weeks ago.

Janet, there is something wrong with your TM, my ZunePhone says that my messages are going through but you apparently aren't getting them, I've been getting no replies. Just e-mail me again and let me know how wonderfully your new Vista laptop is working out!

- Your Stev'o

Drink The Kool-Aid Children!

It is amazing to me that so many people can't seem to see through the Steve Jobs Reality Distortion Field! Everytime he gets up at one of his sissy-boy "conventions" he performs cheap magic tricks for the faithful, sometimes he even drags well meaning journalist along with him!
The platter he is serving on in this picture is a "Macbook" (even though it's thinner than a magazine) Hot Air.
Think about it, you are getting less for more! Skinny for plenty! Scrawney for money! Slim for uh, um, I can't think of a rhyme but if I could it would be something bad.
PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PEOPLE!
Big is better! They have the iPhone, we have a CoffeeTable!

C'mon!

GuTards Running Scared!

If I ever had any doubts at all about this merger/purchase thing with Yahoo, they were all dispelled today by none other than the GuTards over at Google themselves! They issued statements like:

"Microsoft's acquisition of Yahoo could undermine the open competition on the Internet! ....

"Microsoft which has been targeted by antitrust regulators in the U.S. and Europe, frequently sought to establish proprietary monopolies -- and then leverage its dominance into new, adjacent markets!"

"Microsoft could now attempt to exert the same sort of inappropriate and illegal influence over the Internet that it did with the PC!"

I answered quickly: "The combination of Microsoft and Yahoo will create a more competitive marketplace by establishing a compelling number two competitor for Internet search and online advertising. (The #2 I was refering to is Google!)
The alternative scenarios only lead to less competition on the Internet."

THE TRUTH!
The Gutards are a lot smarter than I thought, they finally have realised who they have pissed off here! They haven't seen anything yet! I have already beefed up the legal team budget by 80%! We are going to gut the Gutards, go to court, then in a few years pay a negotiated fine! That's how the law works!

In any case in a few years we will no longer have to worry about Gaggle!
lol

Frozen People and "Kat"

I liked this one:

---

Katherine Hannaford of TechDegest.tv (a typical Vista-Girl) is a hot babe journalist with great taste, style and inteligence: on her top ten list this is #3:

3.) Fake Steve Ballmer - It's no secret in these parts of the world that I'm a massive Microsoft fangirl, and it's of my personal opinion that this fake-blog is actually more entertaining than the original fakie, Fake Steve Jobs.

I like you too Kat.

Hellary Comes a-courtin'!

I knew I would have to deal with this sooner or later, Hellary!
I thought that she had forgotten about us, but the $44 billion deal was too much for her to ignore. She called yesterday and said, "Congratulations on this whopper of a deal Mr. Ballmer, however the people have some concerns! Microsoft, Yahoo, Yahoo, Microsoft, the people of our great country are in just a great sense of concern about this deal. The people need reassurances in these times of murkiness and doubt, the peoples minds are ..."
I was getting annoyed so I interupted and said, "let's just cut to the quick Ms Clinton, you want campaign contributions or you will set up congressional inquiries and hold up our progress!"
I could hear the excitement in her voice as she replied:
"The people do appreciate it when large corporations support the leaders that they support, in such cases the people have a tendency to be lenient in regulating such companies."
I sighed, then feigned enthusiasm and said, "The people will get what the people deserve, will ten do?"
She slowly said, "ten wiil be fine, you are a most generous man!"
I gushed, "Anything for the people."
I could tell that she wanted to say more but I just hung up the phone on her (I love doing that).

I called in the secretary and instructed her, "Cut the Clinton Campaign a check for Ten Dollars!"

It will be a few weeks before she calls back about the "misunderstanding", but at least I have a few weeks free of this blood sucker!

YAHOO! $$$ YAHOO!

I guess you people have heard the news by now that I am buying Yahoo! All of my denials over the past year were not lies they were strategic postulations! In other words, I knew that the politicians would be talking a recession into existence one year before the general election which would drive the stock price down, when it hit the low yesterday, I made my move!
$44,600,000,000 for Yahoo is a steal!
Any large integration process with Yahoo has risks associated with it, I know we've all thought about it. We could have hired more engineers, but the market continues to grow and the leader (Gaggle) continues to consolidate position. There's nothing like the chance to put together two large engineering organizations. A good integration actually should be quite an accelerant to progress.
In other words Google, be afraid! Be very afraid! Muahahahahahaha

BallmerSoft Begins!
It's great to be CEO!