... In Your Dreams!

It's been a rough week! I was at my desk about noon, I turned down numerous lunch invitations so I could take a little siesta. I reclined back in my chair, closed my eyes and immediately went to sleep (very unusual for me).

The next thing I knew it was pitch black and there was a strange light in front of me. I called into the light, "who is there?"
Then he stepped forward out of the light, it was 'The Smoking Man'! I asked:

BALLMER: "What are you doing here? Is this Department 666a again or is it a dream?"

SMOKING MAN: "It's both Mr. Ballmer! We wanted to impress you with DreamInvader 1.01b"

BALLMER: "Done! This is cool, but what do you plan to do with it?"

SMOKING MAN: "Well we have plans for Jerry Yang in the next few weeks! Let's just say he will never be able to look you in the eye again!"

I started to laugh....

SMOKING MAN: "Sir! don't laugh! It shorts out the ...."

I Suddenly woke up!
I was sweating and had a headache, strange thing was, I smelled cheap Turkish Cigarettes the rest of the day.

Hot-Air Exposed!

I like this:

Utter, Total, Absolute, Pure Stupidity!

Only a woman (Betsey Shifftyman) could have written this article! If you are willing to totally waste 4 minutes of your life by reading this convoluted rant that is! She contradicts from one sentence to the next:

"The investment community likes Steve Ballmer. He's competent, aggressive and occasionally crazy. "
... I'm Good, but I'm crazy?

"Microsoft hasn't always kept up, it has remained ridiculously profitable."
.... How can a company do this?

"There is nothing in Microsoft's financial results that suggests turmoil -- third-quarter earnings topped Wall Street estimates, and the outlook was decent -- but we'd still venture to guess that Steve Ballmer's days as CEO are numbered"
.... NO evidence of anything wrong, but I'm gonna be canned anyway?

"From a financial standpoint, Vista has generated billions of dollars in free cash flow, but the product was very late, sales have been disappointing and it's unpopular."
.... Billions in sales, yet unpopular?

"financially you get diminishing returns on improving Vista since it already sells so well"
.... Selling well is bad?

"There are two major reasons for keeping Ballmer around: 1) There isn't an obvious replacement, and 2) It's not clear that anyone could get Microsoft out of its current strategic mess."
.... Nobody on earth can do what I do, but I should be replaced?

Anybody get the feeling that this "Jurinalist" is having an arguement with herself? One that she is losing?
If she were not attacking me I would feel pity for her!
Instead I feel contempt for "Mired", for being desperate enough to publish such lunatic ravings!

SHEESH!
... and they called ME crazy ....

More Scandalous Fake Photos!

C'mon people! Does anybody in their right mind believe that I would set foot on a stage where my presentaion was being run from a Mac?

Gimme a break!

Paint.it.black and Chubbystar, you both will be hearing from our lawyers soon!

So They Thought I Was Bluffing!

Jerry Yang didn't do so much as call or even email me! They called me a liar and con-man, a balding baboon, an oaf and self deluded fool with serious mental problems and gingivitis!

Well they are about to learn exactly who they have been fooling around with! I gave them three weeks to negotiate the sale of Yahoo and they have totally humiliated me by ignoring my threats! The anallyst all say this is a bad idea, but it's personal now! I have to show the world that you don't ignore Microsoft! Losing face would be more expensive than the 44 billion we bid on Yahoo!

I DON'T BLUFF!

The war by proxy has started since noon PST!
We have 1200 "specialist" contacting every last Yahoo shareholder with more than 15 shares of their stock. "Special arrangements" are being made with a few of the larger ones.

Yang! Your time is up!

Come next board meeting in July, you and those idiot board members who ignored me will be escorted into the streets without severance! I'll even initiate an investigation of all of your finances! My PI (Jack Stone) has already started in on some of you guys, the results already are "eye opening!"

Like I told you before, you guys should start learning to eat spam!



I am not evil.

Too Many Fake Steve Ballmers!

I have a profile on Facebook, but because there are so many Steve Ballmers I'm hard to find.

"If you actually look there's about 10 Steve Ballmers and I'm only one of them," I told reporters on Thursday.

"I'm the one who actually has a picture that looks like me on it and I'll tell you a hint -- I'm golfing. That's the real Steve Ballmer."

Microsoft owns a 1.6 percent stake in the social networking Web site, which I acquired for $240 million.

It was hard for me to respond to possible "friends" on the site.

"I will tell you, it's hard to keep up. I get many 'friends' requests from people I don't know. So I'm a little backlogged."

This blog is the more important outlet anyways.

An XP Stay of Execution?

In Brussels (like sprouts) this morning, my day started out like it always does when I'm over here in one of these whinny, foul-weathered, smelly, old looking, hairy-womaned European countries. I was accosted by a pack of ill-dressed, garlic-breathed euro-porters yelling from the barricades what they thought were trick questions, sheesh! Only Euro-lawyers are worse!

I decided to throw these "journalist" in their tight little suits a bone, so I told my Blackwater bodyguards to let a few of them through to me (but down wind). Brussels is pretty boring so sometimes you have to make your own fun, I figured I'd jerk some of these cheese-eaters around and make some tabloid headlines:

EURO-PORTERS: "Missthah Ballma, vart about Vinduhs EX PEE, vill you still kill EX PEE und June 30th? Jah, Yah ...."

BALLMER: "XP will hit an end-of-life. We have announced one. If customer feedback varies, we can always wake up smarter, but right now, we have a plan for end-of-life for new XP shipments."

EURO-PORTERS: "Yest not enough demandh now?"

BALLMER: "Our plan for Windows XP availability is unchanged. We're confident that's the right thing to do based on the feedback we've heard from our customers and partners, I am unaware of any demandh for XP at this time."

All of the euro-porters were dumb-founded, flabbergasted, shocked, speechless .... so I took it a little further:

I turned to my entourage of secretaries, translators, advisers, PR people, nerds, yes-men, aids and BWBG's and asked loudly:
"Is there anybody here who wants XP to stay around?"

They responded enthusiastically in unison, "NO! Kill it sir!"
I said, "If you want Vista, throw yours hands up!" All of them threw up both hands.
We all laughed, got in our limos and sped off.
As we left I looked out the rear window and saw the euro-porters still standing there, frozen in disbelief.

I said in a low voice to my secretary beside me;
"Betty make a note to fire logistics advisor Sanderson! ... he didn't say sir after the Kill it."

The Day That The Music All Died!

ZDnet and ArsTechnica almost got this right, they wrote:

MSN Entertainment and Video Services general manager Rob Bennett sent out an e-mail this afternoon to customers, advising them to make any and all authorizations or deauthorizations before August 31. “As of August 31, 2008, we will no longer be able to support the retrieval of license keys for the songs you purchased from MSN Music or the authorization of additional computers,” reads the e-mail seen by Ars. “You will need to obtain a license key for each of your songs downloaded from MSN Music on any new computer, and you must do so before August 31, 2008. If you attempt to transfer your songs to additional computers after August 31, 2008, those songs will not successfully play.”

While it is true that we are planning to let MSN Music Customers "go it alone", it is not true as they imply that we don't care! I am personally sending a letter (on paper) to each and every one of them expressing my concern. This dispite the fact that the service never really took off and there aren't that many of them anyways, I still care. The letter will include ten "credits" for songs at the Zune Media Store.



I am not evil.

Milan, Yahoo and PRETTY SOON, THE ZUNE!

For some reason the Yahoo negotiators whom my people have been meeting with at the Redmond Motel 6 banquet room think that them making two cents a share more than the analyst expect is good news for them (those people are crazy!)
.... Anyways, I'm over here in Milan right now and some journalist caught me on the way to the bull fights, they asked:

"Senor Ballmer, que habla a Yahoo? Que halba Yahoo?"

I was annoyed:
"I hablo a Yahoo? hmmm, We think we can accelerate our strategy by buying Yahoo and will pay what makes sense for our shareholders. I wish Yahoo all the success with its results but it doesn't affect the value of Yahoo to Microsoft.
We know what Yahoo! is worth to us. We offered a lot of money: $44 billion. If their board thinks that’s fair, great. If not, we’ll move forward without a merger.
Time is money. We made clear in the last letter we sent to Yahoo!'s board. We’ll see what happens."

They wanted more,
"Senor Ballmer, mas, habla mas?"

I stuck in my earplugs, cranked up some Balm "So Far Away From Home", waved my arms and shouted,

"PRETTY SOOOOON, THE ZUUUUUNE!"
(I just wanted to promote my latest music video)

I Am Not Steve Ballmer Pretending Not to Be Me!

Let's just get that straight once again!
I have decided to get into this blogging thing with the rest of you people so I can straighten out some of the FUD out there about me. My image has been tarnished as of late by certain ner-do-wells, haters, iTards, journalist, anallyst, LuTards and non-Microsoft trolls.
In the next few months I will set all of this crap straight, especially the Monkey-boy, Google, Yahoo and Apple crap!
You people should check in with me every day to see what my thoughts are, you will learn a few things. Be sure to bookmark this site because I have just started to get warmed up here!

Zune ROCKS!

Sales Team ROCK!

I personally approved this, it's really hot around the office, so I'm thinking of moving it to the television ads.

NETWORK!

I was just watching network, the greatest movie ever made! If you have never seen it, GET IT!
Three great scenes:


I actually cried the first time I saw the last one here, I still do! This movie is required watching if you ever intend to work for Microsoft!

Dang! This Guy is Smoooooth!

Hellary has pulled every trick out of her filthy big bag out against Obamanabamamama, but the guy is still as cool and composed as they come! I must say, most people would have been running or quiting by now against the forces of the wicked witch, I'm impressed!

He's beginning to remind me of ... well ... ME!

Personally, as far as politics is concerned, I'm usually an agnostic. I just pay off whoever is in office to stay the #ell away from us, but this is the first election where I have actually taken a stance:

"Vote For McCain! Vote For Obamama! Vote for ABC (Anybody But Clinton)!"

If Hellary lies, cheats, steals, kills, tricks, bamboozles, terrorizes her way into office this time though, I'm screwed!

The Blessing of Vista!

I flew to New York for something I've lobbied for for an entire year, an audience with the Pope! I had to pull all kinds of strings, both holy and not, but I had to see His Eminence!
Why?
Well you see, our stats show that a full quarter of all Microsoft products users are Catholic, and that since the launch of Vista this is also the group that was adopting it the slowest or moving on to another OS! I have no idea as to why, but most of the time I don't care about why things happen, I only care about what happens.
On our way to the Holy Father's suite, a couple of big Jesuit bodyguard types frisked me and warned me sternly, "No commercial stuff! The Pope does no product endorsements! None at all!" I said, "Oh I understand."
As I and my camera crew entered His Loftiness suite and was ushered into the Pontiff's presence, the attendants said, "you have twenty seconds, make it good!"
I bowed before Benedict, (he was impressed). He said, "arise my son Ballmer, wherefore comest ye to ourselves?"
I answered in my most magnanimous tone, "I have come far Your Holiness bearing a gift for theeself, but put forth thy holy hands and I shall endow thee!"
He held his hands out and I quickly reached into my shirt where I had Vista CD's hidden, (they neglected to search there) I plunked them into his hands. He looked confused, then surprised, then he got mad when he realised what he was holding. He dropped the CD's, backed away and yelled,
"Jesuits! The accursed thing! I have touched it!"
They all scurried off to wash his hands in holy water while my camera crew and I were unceremoniously ushered out of the suite.

As we got into the stretch Limo, I asked, "you guys got that?"
They answered, "Yes sir Missta Ballmer sir! Selected stills of His Holiness 'Blessing' Vista will be all over the Internet by this time tomorrow!"

I said, "Mission accomplished, that should get the Catholics back in line! Next the Mormons!"

Reminder: Ballmer, NEVER Get A Divorce!

I'm putting this YouTub Video up on the site for posterity simply to remind myself to never get a divorce!
An old friend from Harvards' wife Tricia is being divorced by my old chum Philip, and it is getting pretty nasty! She is at her wit's end so she decided to air some of their dirty laundery on YouTub.
See for yourself:
What scares me here is that my wife emailed me this link at the office! I guess it was just kind of a warning.

I'm taking diamonds and flowers home with me today!

MSZuneFan, I Understand! - Fatherly Advice:

Steve Smith, more popularly known on the internet in the ZuneSecne forums as MSZuneFan is still seeking to have his legal name changed to Microsoft Zune! He called Microsoft trying to clear up any legal ramifications. If he had gotten to me personally, I would have told him:
"While I am all for freedom of expression, SON, I have to tell you in all honesty this is a bad idea! I'm all for having a Zune Tattoo, a Ballmer Tattoo (I have a Zunetatt myself, can't say where). Why am I of all people against this?
Well a few reasons come to mind:
The Zune is a really cool, hot selling, world rock'n, cutting edge device, NOT a person's name!
AND take my word for this, you do not want any babes you run into thinking of you as Micro - Soft!"

(If you need more explanation of this, comment and I will email you personally and explain it.)

One other alternative, name yourself Ballmer Zune, the company is going to undergo a name change in the next year anyways.

Why Obama Hates HillBillies?

He didn't always hate them until he ran into the worst of the lot:

Gartner Analyst Say "Vista is Falling!"

"Calling the situation "untenable" and describing Windows as "collapsing," a pair of Gartner analysts yesterday said Microsoft Corp. must make radical changes to its operating system or risk becoming a has-been."

Now that is just a bunch of baloney!
These "anallyst" say we may only have five years left before we are yesterday's news, RUBBISH! (excuse my language) Do any of you people know how much money we have? How many people we hire? How many design committees we have?

Please just dismiss this latest report by the "experts" claiming that we are clueless about what you people want! We know, I know exactly what you want!

I'll prove it, you want:

1. Computers integrated into your furniture! ie: the Surface Coffeetable.

2. The ZunePhone! Those who have bought iPhumbs will trash them when we release ZP1

3. A Home Server in the basement! It will control everything from lights, to backups, to toilets.

4. All subscription Software! Why buy Windows when you can rent it?

5. Software so secure that even you can't get in it! (Cancel or Allow?)

6. XP to be killed so that everyone can experience Vista, even if they are too ignorant to know it's a must-have! We will choose for you, don't worry!

... What these "anallyst" have not factored in is the fact that Bill will be gone soon and me and my rubber-stamp team will lead Microsoft into this glorious future as Ballmersoft!

Now I KNOW you feel better!

Leaving Tehran DTAPUC '08 a Changed Man

For most of the Conference here I let my Middle Eastern Subordinates here do all of the talking, they would tell me, "just sit here sir, smile, nod and make no sudden moves!" I did this for three days, most of the people passing in the reception lines were very friendly. I was spat on only twice, but my handlers told me that this was a gesture of good-will, a welcome of sorts. I wonder why the security guys beat and hauled both spitters away then? Could my subordinates have been fibbing to me? It's their jobs if they were!
On the very last day, I was asked by a very insistent English speaking reporter to personally make a statement. My people didn't want me to but, hey, I'm the CEO here and I was darned sick and tired of being told to sit, nod and make no sudden moves. So I went up to the podium and told them the truth:
"You people are going to have to change the name of this conference! I mean, 'Death to America' is not exactly a very inviting term now is it?"
They all looked at me like they were surprised, I like that, so I continued:
"My people here have explained that for you all the term 'America' is generic and means 'that which is bad', but we from the west don't take it that way!"
The reporters then asked, "Well what term should we use oh great one?" (I like these guys)
I thought about it for a second, "If you want to fight evil, poor programing, mediocrity and backward thinking, hmmmm ... Let's call it 'Death to Apple and Linux Power User Conference'!"
They were a little slow to catch on, so I did like they do, I raised my arms and started to wildly chant it!
"Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! ...."
It caught on like wildfire, they were waving their fist in the air, some chanted until they fell out, "Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! ......."

What a great way to end a confefence!
I can't wait to come back to DTAALPUC '09!
Death to Apple and Linux!

Just a few more pictures I took from the armored limo on the way back to the airport:

Am I Going To Give Up?

Kippling put it this way, (This spoke directly to me):

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

The Ying of Yang!

This Jerry Yang guy is really standing up to me! My letter to Yahoo did not scare him or his board at all!
He sent back this response:
"We continue to believe that your proposal is not in the best interests of Yahoo and our stockholders," read the statement.
He called me a liar several times:
"Contrary to statements in your letter, stockholders representing a significant portion of our outstanding shares have indicated to us that your proposal substantially undervalues Yahoo."
Then he got mean:
"We consider your threat to commence an unsolicited offer and proxy contest to displace our independent board members to be counterproductive and inconsistent with your stated objective of a friendly transaction,"

This guy has really got moxie! Too bad I'm going to have to totally destroy him!
By the time I'm finished with him, he will be eating spam and living in a cardboard box!

Mark my words people! I will have Yahoo, even if I have to destroy it!

The AP Wire Finally Get's A Story Right!

I'm so used to the media twisting storys about us that this one surprised me!John Dellmont, you are one of the better journalist!

Death To America Power User Conference '08!

It took forever to get here! But, we are finally here at the "DTAPUC '08" in Tehran! What a welcome we recieved too, both women protesting (only a few can attend) and men dancing in the streets! I'm too tired right now to go into details as to exactly what my alterior motives are for being here are, but these people think of me like a rock star or something. So I'll just post some pictures from my arrival



For some background on the situation here see my previous post:
"Mahmoud Declares MS to be More "Islamic".

I'm gonna sleep for two days now.

Ah salaam alakem

Letter to Yahoo, Prepare to be "Boarded"!

April 5, 2008
Board of Directors
Yahoo! Inc.
701 First Avenue
Sunnyvale, CA 94089

Dear Members of the Board:
It has now been more than two months since we made our proposal to acquire Yahoo! at a 62% premium to its closing price on January 31, 2008, the day prior to our announcement. Our goal in making such a generous offer was to create the basis for a speedy and ultimately friendly transaction. Despite this, the pace of the last two months has been anything but speedy.
While there has been some limited interaction between management of our two companies, there has been no meaningful negotiation to conclude an agreement. We understand that you have been meeting to consider and assess your alternatives, including alternative transactions with others in the industry, but we’ve seen no indication that you have authorized Yahoo! management to negotiate with Microsoft. This is despite the fact that our proposal is the only alternative put forward that offers your shareholders full and fair value for their shares, gives every shareholder a vote on the future of the company, and enhances choice for content creators, advertisers, and consumers.

During these two months of inactivity, the Internet has continued to march on, while the public equity markets and overall economic conditions have weakened considerably, both in general and for other Internet-focused companies in particular. At the same time, public indicators suggest that Yahoo!’s search and page view shares have declined. Finally, you have adopted new plans at the company that have made any change of control more costly.

By any fair measure, the large premium we offered in January is even more significant today. We believe that the majority of your shareholders share this assessment, even after reviewing your public disclosures relating to your future prospects.
Given these developments, we believe now is the time for our respective companies to authorize teams to sit down and negotiate a definitive agreement on a combination of our companies that will deliver superior value to our respective shareholders, creating a more efficient and competitive company that will provide greater value and service to our customers. If we have not concluded an agreement within the next three weeks, we will be compelled to take our case directly to your shareholders, including the initiation of a proxy contest to elect an alternative slate of directors for the Yahoo! board. The substantial premium reflected in our initial proposal anticipated a friendly transaction with you. If we are forced to take an offer directly to your shareholders, that action will have an undesirable impact on the value of your company from our perspective which will be reflected in the terms of our proposal.

It is unfortunate that by choosing not to enter into substantive negotiations with us, you have failed to give due consideration to a transaction that has tremendous benefits for Yahoo!’s shareholders and employees. We think it is critically important not to let this window of opportunity pass.


Sincerely,

Steven A. Ballmer
Chief Executive Office
Microsoft Corp.

Charlton Heston, 1924 - 2008

The world is much poorer today, Charlton Heston has passed. I feel a little emptier right now, there was a special spot in my brain for Charlton, now he's gone. But, to me he will always be Moses, John the Baptist, El Cid, The Omega Man, Marc Antony, Judah Ben Hur, ..... Face it! This guy was a REAL MAN and probablly one of the best actors of all time! We will miss you Charlton!

My First ZuneCast!

Check it out:

My executive assistant Urma B. Vista who formerly worked for PBS narrates and produes it herself, the results are more than impressive! Enjoy! Just click the ZuneCast Logo above.

btw:
Speaking of ZuneCast, I was contacted by Zunescene and they wanted to interview me for their nightly ZuneCast, I had to do it over the phone from the floor of LAX, but they will be blown away by the interview!

Hear it here:

Yahoo Getting Cheaper Every Other Day!

The Yahoo guys don't want to be seen talking to us in public, so our negotiation team has been meeting with them every Monday, Wednesday and Friday in the banquet room of the Redmond Motel 6. They beg for more, we say no. Next week we plan to lower the offer by one billion every time we meet! I think they will get the message very quickly and go ahead and accept the inevitable!

** It's so hard for some people to see whats best for them, even when it's meeting with them three times a week at the Motel 6! ** SHEESH!



**Not a reference to you and the new Swedish receptionist Ray.

Who Am I?

I have been told that speculation as to my identity is building! Some of those who have been asked, "Are you Fake Steve Ballmer?"I promise you that one of these is who I actually am!
(Some of the answers were chaneled by my psychic)