A Glass of IceWater in Hell?

I had some of my engineers look into what would actually happen if you gave a glass of ice water to someone in hell, the results were eye opening!

---

First establish some probable parameters:
Ambient avg temperature in hell - assumed: 1136 f, in lava: 1998 f
Atmospheric pressure: 3 atmospheres
Ice water: 36-40 f - 14 oz
Glass: 3/16" thk tempered glass

---

The engineers say that the temperature differentials would cause the "water" in the glass to immediately flash as the glass instantly liquefied! The result being an explosion of superheated steam and molten glass (silica) propelled by the force of the flash at super-sonic speeds nearing 1100 mph depending on the volume of water!

Steve, why not just hurl a grenade at a person in hell? It would hurt a lot less and not do near as much damage!

CONCLUSION:
So I guess that his statement about Mac software being on Windows being similar to giving a glass of ice water to somebody in hell is really quite accurate!

Hellary's Request:

I just can't seem to tell my #1 stalker to kiss off!
Hellary wrote an e-mail to me this morning:

Hillary Rodham
Sen. NY Dist 6
(Next POTUS)

"Steve, I realize that there has been some tension between us in the past, I wish to simply clear this up.
I know that historically you are a-political and strive to make equal contributions to all candidates so that whoever wins will stay off your back, I understand that. But, you have given me NOTHING! I feel that you are being sexist, however I can forgive that, (if I can live with Bill I can forgive anything and often have to). You seem to believe that I won't get this nomination, I assure you you are wrong!
My supporters are outside of the DNC rules committee HQ even as we speak, pressuring them to change the rules and we will succeed! I have a few other surprises in store for the negro ahead of me too. Let's just say he should watch where he steps!
Seeing that I will definitely be the Democratic candidate, I figure that your company owes my campaign approximately $12.5 Million. Please funnel through the usual channels.

PS: If you choose to continue to ignore my request, be assured that win or lose, you Vista crap peddlers will regret it!"


She attached a photo of her protesters:Hellary, I know you read this blog, so here is your response: . "|' ....

oops, sorry, you couldn't see that.

Goodnight Harvey Korman

I was greatly saddened to hear of the death of Harvey Korman at 81. I cannot tell you how many evenings I spent laughing with and at this comic genius! I admired Harvey's wit and intelligence. I'm going to watch some "Carol Burnett Shows" from my library this weekend and finish it up with "Blazing Saddles," "High Anxiety" and "History of the World, Part 1." - Thanks Harvey.

Windows 7 Killer App!

Windows 7 will run a new W7-optimised version of Paint! Eat your hearts out all of you Photoshop Phreaks!

Battlestar Galactica

I personally prefer the cylons, to me they are the good guys!

Think about it:
The Cylons want order, high technology, strict laws, conformity, timeliness, unwavering loyalty, ....

The Battlestar people are a minority, a bunch of wildeyed idealist looking for a paradise that they will never find while upseting the order of the empire!


I'm dead serious here!



I am not evil

Zune Taking Canada By Storm!

The Zune Canadian launch parties have already started!
We totally rocked Vancouver, Calgary and Edmonton. Toronto is next on June 30 and will be the biggest one yet!
Special guest in attendance, Steve Ballmer and BALM! Don't you people dare miss it!
Check out a few of our yet to be formally released Zunemercials:

D6 - The Nightmare!

I awoke late this morning; I tossed and turned most of the night. When I got up I said to myself, “thank God, that’s over, what a dream!” I dreamt that Bill and I were on stage at D6 being interviewed by luscious Kara and the Mossburger, suffice it to say it didn’t go very well.

They started out by asking us a bunch of questions about our ‘emotions’ and the old days in college. I did my usual pretense that I could even stand to be in the same room as Bill. By the time they finished you would think we were gonna’ French kiss or something! It was very unsettling.

Next they went on to the usual, “What about Yahoo” questions. They kept trying to get Bill to say that I was stupid for fooling around with Yang and that bunch. But Bill did his ‘good Soldier’ bit and just kept saying, “He da boss, da boss be right!” Well, he is right about that, but there was something about the way he said it.

The dream got even uglier when they got to the “Vista Sucks” portion. When asked anything on this one Bill just smiled and nodded, I had to do the entire defense. I basically just went with my old, “yes, Vista has minor problems but we are working on them and people buy it anyways!” The Mossburger didn’t like my answers on Vista.

Kara said, “on to Windows 7!”
We then had one of our MS-Babes come out and demo how you could ‘touch’ Windows 7! The audience seemed to like this part! The Mossburger ruined the whole thing by saying something about how 7 looked even more like the Mac OS than Vista does. We denied it! Bill said something about Apple pre-copying us.

That’s all I can remember, what a nightmare!



… Wait a minute …..

What day is it?

Our Crappy Stock Performance! - The Truth:

Barron's has done an interesting analysis of why "MSFT stock is so cheap," but they advise against buying right now, they say:

"MICROSOFT SHARES ARE A PUZZLE: A CHEAP STOCK THAT keeps getting cheaper. Based on the numbers, a giant company likely to grow profits by 14% and revenue by 12% should be trading for much more than 13 times earnings. But until Microsoft's bid to buy Yahoo! in whole or part is resolved, the stock is likely to be dead money."

These people can't read charts! Two years ago the stock price was 25% lower, that it was before the Yahoo bid!
The premise of the entire article is therefore totally wrong.

They also claim that Vista adds to the stock's depressed state. I have news for them though, people get Vista whether they want it or not! It makes no difference to me, we still get paid, happiness has nothing to do with it! People's money spends just as well and has no consciousness of the spender's satisfaction. Vista is innocent!

Lastly they try to blame "The Ballmer Factor"! That's a non-starter too. Everyone knows that I live and breath Microsoft 24/7!

THE TRUTH:
WHY OUR STOCK HAS SUCKED FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS?

The truth is actually quite simple and obvious:
Our investors are stupid!
The phenomena they speak of cannot be explained any other way.



Hey, if you didn't want the truth, you shouldn't have come here!
I am not evil.

Message to Hellary, Barak and the Old Guy

Windows Seven Coming! - D6

Windows 7 will be publicly disclosed for the first time at the D6: All Things Digital Conference hosted by Walt Mossberg and Kara Swisher on May 27.

Bill and I will do the presentation, Bill will do his usual: "In the future you will be able to's ....." He really gets on my nerves with that crap! He never peaks any one's interest. People always watch him and realise he has been watching too many sci-fi movies. He will walk over to a wall, touch it and it turns into a computer, he walks on the floor and you can see goldfish and virtual water ripples as he moves his feet. I have no idea what part of W7 he will demo, but one thing is for sure: It will glow and spin!

My mission during the presentation is to "Keep 'em all in the boat!"
Vista has not been doing all it should (I never admit this outside of this blog) and is slowing even as I type this! I plan to make people think that they should stick with Microsoft at least until W7 comes out!

Maybe I'll use the ZunePhone to project a Windows 7 logo hologram and imply that being able to do this will be built into Windows 7 or maybe I'll just do like I usually do, wait for inspiration to strike me and wing it.

The Hotel Room!

I decided to semi-make up with Hellary (just in case something does happen to Barak and she becomes president).
I sent her a nice little MSN e-card saying, "hope you're having a nice time where ever you are." She responded back with an e-mail complaining that she was short on cash and about the size of her hotel room, sending a photo to prove it.

I'm still not sending any campaign contributions!

This Means War!

The PC guy does sing pretty good though.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! WATCH THIS!

Even I could have never said this better!I have been looping this on my Zune all day long, I love this guy!


Sorry for doing three political post in a row, but lately I've been fixated with stopping the pure evil of Hellary. I'll get back to my usual technology genius tomorrow, I'm just too wired right now.


I am not evil

The Wicked Witch's Freudian Slip!

Given all of the things throughout history which have happened in June, Hellary mentions the assassination of Bobby Kennedy? An unusually close parallel to Obama or wishful thinking or maybe instructions to the wack job racist out there?

"You guys aren't doing your job!"
That's what I hear Hellary saying!
Maybe that's just me, .... we will find out at Barak's wake.

Zombies!

Just thinking of you Hellary and your zombie supporters.

Countdown To The XP Swapout!

So I'm in Israel! The Holy Land! The Birth place of the world's three great religions! You would think that the reporters would have something better to ask me about than the same old question that chases me everywhere else that I go around the world:

"Mr. Ballmer, are you really gonna' kill Windows XP on July 15? People hate Vista ya know?"

I responded with sheer genius as usual,
"I am in noooo way disappointed with Vista sales! It's selling Incredibly well!
Vista sells on almost 100 per cent of all the new consumer PCs around the world," I looked around, pointed up to the heavens and proclaimed, "The Vista operating system is also selling on 45 per cent of all of new business PCs, once the XP hindrance is removed it will be 95%! Vista, has had a good unit volume market reaction!"One squirrel looking guy with a beanie cap asked in a rather condescending tone:
"Vista is half-cocked, ya know? I just doesn't work ya know, nothing runs right on it ya know, it's a resource pig ya know?"

I sensed this press conference was going down hill quickly, so I said:
"Yes, application compatibility in Vista was not as high as many of our customers would have liked. That is improving, not because we’ve changed Vista, but because the applications are getting upgraded to be Vista compatible. What we have learned is that maybe our customers care a little bit more about compatibility and a little bit less about security.”

They looked at me a little confused. So I continued down the same road:
"It always takes people a while to get used to new things and Vista was no exception.
When you change the look of your product, you always think it looks better, but your users always have to get used to the new one I think we’re going through something of a process whereby Vista users are still getting used to Vista after moving from XP. (We are just going to help them along!)"

Just for good measure I threw is a few more zingers:
The Xbox has been a funny product for us, it too a long time to figure out how to make money out of it.
The same applies to Zune," I chuckled, "except we still haven't figured out how to make money out of that one."

Bill always told me to leave 'em wanting more, so despite their screams for "clarification", that's exactly what I did!

XP is toast people! Live with it!
Yeah Baby!

The Hungarian Conspiracy!

My staff PI, Jack Stone, has given me an initial report on the Hungarian egging incident. He believes there is more here than meets the eye! Reasons:
1. The two men sitting beside the egger's composure throughout the incident leads one to conclude that they knew what was going to happen. The smirk and smile just prior to the egger standing to interrupt. One of them has a Macbook, this is the most suspicious activity of all, a dead give-away of malevolence!
2. The egger did not throw a third egg, he simply waved his "chicken wing" arm, yet another egg hit the wall directly above me. There was a 2nd egger at the back of the lecture hall!

The egger is in the "custody" of the Hungarian Security Ministry, they say, "he won't talk! He's like a zombie or something!"
Conclusion: he is an Apple Cultist!
The other conspirators are as yet unidentified, although we suspect the suspect 2 is an Apple Store Genius.

Jack is on the job! He always gets his nerd!
You boys may as well turn yourselves in right now.

A Joint Alternate Transaction Venture Deal Thing

If you have been reading the news, blogs, commentaries, press releases, .... about the status of the Yahoo/MS deal or no deal kinda' deal deal, you may be getting a little confused.

Let me straighten this all out for you:
Confusing the heck out of everybody is exactly what our plan is! Poor Yang threw up his hands when he was asked what's going on! lol.
This is one of the oldest strategies in the world, confuse everybody soooo badly that they eventually just give up resisting you and give you what you want without even realizing it. I'm using the:
"I'm gone - I'm not, but I am or is Carl Ichan or are we, so yes or no to a deal but not a partnership or venture but definitely a transaction for just part not all search!"

By the time they finish talking to me they will have signed something that's not what they didn't know it wasn't for an amount they aren't even sure of!

Understand now?
I love being CEO!

EGG THROWING HUGARIANS!

So, I decided to accept a speaking engagement at the Corvinus University of Hungary (yes they have one, one!)
I figured,
"how hard could this be, they're Hungarians!. I should be greeted as a god by Hungarians, right? Who the heck goes to Hungary?"
Well, I found that I walked into an Hungarian ambush!
Before I could even get warmed up good, some Hungarian moron got up and started yelling some kinda' goulash at me, he threw three eggs, I took cover. The guy was escorted out and I regained my classic composure, the goat smelling Hungarians laughed:

---

WHAT HAPPENED AFTERWARDS:
The kid was taken to a back room where he was being held by a campus security guy and my Blackwater Bodyguard #6.
I told the university staff that I was concerned about him and wanted to speak to him personally. He was handcuffed and tied down to a chair. As everyone left so I could have my little "talk" with this poor troubled soul, I instructed BWBG#6, "Nobody gets in here for the next 45 seconds!", he said, "I understand sir."

The rest of my story goes like this:
"I approached the kid and he became irrational! He screamed, tipped his chair over backwards, slammed his head into the wall several times! I tried helping him up by the neck, but he tried to bite me! I released him and he fell to the floor hitting his head on my shoe (several times)! Boy was I glad to get out of there! That guy was crazy."

The Hungarian authorities have assured me that he will never do anything like this again.



I am not evil

Yahoo

Microsoft announced that it is continuing to explore and pursue its alternatives to improve and expand its online services and advertising business. Microsoft is considering and has raised with Yahoo! an alternative that would involve a transaction with Yahoo! but not an acquisition of all of Yahoo! Microsoft is not proposing to make a new bid to acquire all of Yahoo! at this time, but reserves the right to reconsider that alternative depending on future developments and discussions that may take place with Yahoo! or discussions with shareholders of Yahoo! or Microsoft or with other third parties.

“There of course can be no assurance that any transaction will result from these discussions.”

- In other words, I won't be embarassed again and the whole board of directors will have to go before they see the big bucks out of me!

SummerTime

This always makes me feel good:

Apple-People!

My people took some pictures from the opening of the Boston Apple store:

Is it just me or are you thinking that there should be some kinda' federal law against iTards breeding?

Sick'em Carl!

Official Line: Microsoft has nothing to do we this, we are headed our own way, Yahoo made a mistake, it's all water under the bridge.

Michael Jackson Takes on Low-Life Music Pirates!

The King of pop, Michael Jackson has contracted the services of "Web Sheriff" (John Giacobbi) to take on a group which claims to be music enthusiast but is actually an ongoing criminal enterprise - Pirate Bay!

I keep up with these criminals by monitoring the TorrentFreak website, they write:
"Micheal Jackson and several other artists plan to take on The Pirate Bay. The king of pop hired the infamous ‘Web Sheriff’ to protect his rights. 'Hey Michael - do you want us to pay you in small kids maybe?' was the first response of Pirate Bay admin Brokep."

These Bit-Torrent freaks believe that all music should be free, they download and provide shared services to others to download others music throughout the world! I hope Michael all of the luck in the world with this endeavor.
I personally just give away all of my music by Balm but I do not disagree with others who want to legally sell their music.
Theft is simply theft!
The PriateBayers and anyone else downloading music, software, movies, ... etc are thieves!

I personally hope that Jacko catches you and has his way with you!

Wall Computing, the Next BIG Thing!

When we are done you will never look at a wall the same again!

Bill demonstrated the prototype Surface Wall! He said,
"Our view is that all the surfaces - horizontal surfaces, vertical surfaces - will eventually have an inexpensive screen display capability, and software that sees what you're doing there, so it's completely interactive," he told attendees at Microsoft's CEO summit.
When I say everywhere, I mean the individual's office, I mean the home, the living room, all of those things. The cost of the hardware is not that great, and the quality of the software is improving substantially."

Once the public gets to interact with these world changing devices we will see a ground swell of demand for these in homes. We are going to be ready too, we will be making surface computer cutting boards, welcome mats, bath tubs, kitchen counters, doors, virtual windows, digital carpet, refrigerator doors, ... the possibilities are endless!

As I pointed out once before those iTards at Apple believe that the future is in smaller and smaller, but as usual they are wrong, people want bigger and bigger. Why would you want a computer in your pocket when you could have one in your truck bed?



Note: some conspiracy theorist are making hay about the apparent lag between many of Gates gestures and the reaction of the screen, they believe that it was actually being controlled by another person somewhere else who occaisionally got out of sync with Gates! I now officially now repudiate this allegation and everybody knows how honest I am.

Stevey, Carl and Jerry!

Just when Yahoo thought it was safe from take over by Microsoft, they have now found themselves reaping the wrath of billionaire investor Carl Icahn who wants to replace Yahoo's board of directors because of the "botched" merger negotiations.

His nominees which includes himself, Mark Cuban, Frank Biondi, and Robert Shaye, will be up for election July 3 at the shareholders meeting. The SFGate writes:

"The move is intended to pressure Yahoo's current directors to restart talks with Microsoft, two weeks after the Redmond, Wash., software giant withdrew its $47.5 billion acquisition proposal. Yahoo's board had rebuffed the offer as being too low, after a three-month standoff marked by thinly veiled hostility and intermittent talks.
'It is clear to me that the board of directors of Yahoo has acted irrationally and lost the faith of shareholders and Microsoft,' Icahn said in a letter ..."

---

THE TRUTH:
...Of course Icahn is really working for me! How stupid do you people think I am? Don't you remember that I threatened a "hostile takeover"? I was getting bad press and looking like the evil guy that so many of you think I am, so I very publicly said, "Oh forget it!" ... and you all fell for that?
You people are just too easy! Just remember to never take your eye off the cup with the $42 Billion under it. lol.

I told you before, "WHAT BALLMER WANTS, BALLMER GETS!"

The new Board will beg me to buy Yahoo! I think I'll save a few Billion while I'm at it too!
DANG! I'm goooooood!



oh yeah:
I am not evil

Inside Steve's Mind!

My favorite journalist, John Dvorak was simply inspired by my coolness under fire, he says that he simply had to write, "Inside Steve's Mind!"
I find myself frequently being a source of motivation and inspiration for people throughout the world! I told John, "It's just what I do!"
In my forward for this book, I wrote:

".... I simply believe in doing my best at whatever I do everyday. Everything get's 110% effort! Life is too short to live it looking back or using a weak, copy-cat OS like that candy-colored stuff that Apple foist upon the public! This book is a great read, fast paced, hard driving, take no prisoners story of a humble servant of high technology..."

My Mug on BusinessWeek!

I was as mad as, well, I was mad! My secretary flopped the latest BusinessWeek on my desk, and there I was on the cover, I was the whole cover! I was never interviewed, I had no idea that this story was coming at all! What’s going on here?
After reading the entire five page article, I figured it out! This article wasn’t really about me, I screamed:
“Irma! Get me Lorizio in New York on my ZunePhone now! …. Make it a wide angle full scale holograph, I want to see this turkey!”

Keith (Don) Lorizio is our head of online advertising, the article was really about an interview with him! They just used my picture on the cover to increase sales of the issue!

Irma called, “He’s ready sir.”
I went to the front of my desk, leaned against it, put on the enhancer glasses, connected my ZPH to the Holograph emitter and hit the ZuneHolograph button. POOF, and there he was, sitting in his chair right in front of me. After putting cotton-balls in my cheeks, I scowled! He looked nervous, …good!

BALLMER: Don Lorizio, the family here sends you greetings and hopes for your continued health.

LORIZIO: Thank you Mr. Ballmer, uh, is there a problem?

BALLMER: If you call my being on the cover of BusinessWeek without knowing abouts it a problem, then yeah, deyz a problem! Capish?

LORIZIO: I’m sorry about that sir, they took my picture, I assumed that ….

I interrupted,
BALLMER: SO! Youz guys are assuming now? This is Microsoft! We do not assume here!

LORIZIO: I’m sorry sir, but during the interview I stuck to the new company line that, “Search Advertising Is Vastly Overated!” I told them that we were never really serious about the Yahoo thing and that we just felt sorry for them because they need us moe than we need them. I strictly adhered to all your directives and talking point sir!

BALLMER: I noticed that, it is the reason you are not sleeping with the fishies right now!

LORIZIO: Oh thank you sir! Thank you! I will never forget your mercy in this matter! If there is ever an opportunity for me to make this up to you sir I will!

BALLMER: Yes, you do owe me a ‘favor’! Just remember that you do! … And one day I will beez calling in this ‘favor’!

LORIZIO: Thank you again sir!
BALLMER: Forget-about-it!

I then quickly hung up and shut down the holographic emitter, I yelled, “Irma, get in here! I just swallowed a cotton-ball!”

Anna Nymos' - Here's your Story! Ragae Ballmer! .... Now Stop Stalking Me!

And in other news, I worked my magic at the Microsoft Developers after dinner party, in Kingston, Jamaica.

Following my colourful performance back in the States with my 'Developers Developers Developers' chant, and 'Monkey Boy' dance, we now see me making the most out of my facination with Reggae beats.

Winston Paul, Lead Developer for .NET in Jamaica commented,

"'dis be da best confaraaance I eva bin to, RESPECT to da ballma, he da man..."

Bev Smith, Microsoft events coordinator commented "You can quite clearly see that Microsoft is being led by a truly inspirational leader who knows exactly how to connect with developers whereever they may be in the world! As Steve has demonstrated in Jamaica, he can sure show everyone how to develop hard and PLAY hard!"

I commented "You may all mock me, but watch the video and see for yourself the mighty following I commanded in Jamaica! Show me a linux developer conference where they get to have THIS much fun!
- All you linux losers know that the only right way to move forward with innovation is with US! So join Microsoft today! If you're in Jamaica, then sign up NOW for next year's developers conference... are you seriously going to miss out on the FREE BAR, WOMEN, DANCING, SWEET smelling smoky *cough*, RED STRIPE BEER... and BEST of all, you get me DJ'g and DANCING right at the front for your spinning those tunes off my ZUNE!!!"

"Show me a CEO who loves his developers THIS much!!!!"

Brief video recording of me at Microsoft Developers Conference after party in Jamaica:


Anna Nymos kept putting this in my comments, so I've posted it to get her off my back! Now I hope you will stop putting this in comments. You made the big times Anna! An entry on MY Blog! WOW!

Lou Reed and "Sweet Jane" - 1974

I was there, can you spot me? Hint I was 24 years younger and had hair.

Two years ago they asked me to play rythm on "Wild Side" just for old times sake, can you spot me here?


Now I do my own thing with Balm, but this stuff was good too.

Steve Ballmer - The Movie!

Muh man Pauly Shore and I had a heart to heart discussion before he and his bus entourage left this afternoon. We agreed that the only actor on earth that could possibly play me is none other than Pauly himself! He showed me the the script he'd drafted, a few story-boards, and he asked me for suggestions on who could play other characters.
I wasn't really too sure about the whole thing but I signed the release and contracts because Pauly and I are close friends and I trust him! Pauly was so confident that I would say yes that he'd already called a press conference to announce our intentions to start filming this Spring (I like go-getters like that!).
The conference was short, everyone was excited, anticipation filled the air!
When it was over, Pauly was just about to get on the Shore-Bus when he stopped and came back to me, he snapped his finger and said:
"Mr. B! This movie thang is gonna' be the bomb baby! All I need now is the seven-fifty large ta' git the ball rollin'!"
I snapped my finger and assistant 4 handed him a check, (I never write them myself). We high fived!
Pauly went back to his bus and motioned to the reporters and camera crew, he said, "Youz guys need a ride?"
They all got on the bus and took off.
What a guy!

I'm looking forward to several academy awards from "Ballmer Story!"
... fo' schizzle baby.

ZPH Posters All Over The MS Campus!

I thought that many of my people here didn't read this blog and the ones who did believed that I wasn't me doing me doing me. Apparently they did! I have started to see posters for the ZunePhone Halographic showing up in offices in many other Redmond divisions. This project is supposed to be a secret even to most MS employees! They are either posting it as a joke, advertisement or propaganda, I don't know. I have to act like I'm in on whatever their motivations are, I'm confused.Well at least I know that the blog is really popular in Redmond.
Hey, wait a minute, since when do they have time to surf the internet when they are supposed to be working on improving Vista? I'm gonna' have to fire somebody!

Announcing The ZPHalographic!

There is not much more that I can say other than Roz and her team are working tirelessly on the ZPH. I can't commit right now but you may see this on the streets before next Christmas!

.... and they say we no longer innovate!

Al Gore Sees the Light!

As Pauly and I got into the Limo this morning, headed to OverLake Golf and Country Club, my ZunePhone rang. This is the new one, who could have gotten the number already? The holographic caller ID said, "Al Gore"! I said to myself, "why would 'ol ozone-hole be calling me, doesn't he know we are enemies ever since he joined the Apple Board of Directors?"
I answered it,
"If this is Al Gore, it had better be really gooood!"
As he answered his voice sounded as if he were crying;
"Steve, don't hang up! I just called to tell you how sorry I am! I have seen the light! The glorious light of Vista!"
I was surprised, "What do you mean Ozone?"
He was trying to pull himself together as he explained, "I had a dream, no a vision last night! I saw GOD! He appeared to me as a Vista Box! He told me to repent and call you!" he started to sob again, "He said that you would tell me what to do! He said that Apple is evil and you are his chosen servant spreading the word of Vista to a mixed-up climate changing world!"

I thought about it for a moment, then I gave him the word of Ballmer:
"You are to stay on the Apple board, you will report their every move to me directly, contact me no more my son, whenever I need anything I shall contact you! Together we shall humble the evil ones!"
He said, "Yes, yes, yes, I will obey your will!"

I hung up and started to laugh, then the phone rang again, I answered:
a voice said, "did you like our work Mr. Ballmer sir?"
I said jubilantly:
"You department 666a guys are good! That DreamInvader 1.01b microwave beam thing you invented really works! But I thought Jerry Yang was going to be your next target?"
The voice said, "his house was shielded!"
We both said in sync, "Dang it!"

I cranked up some Balm, me and the Shore-man jammed all the way there!




I am not evil.

Muh Man Pauly Flops at Da Crib!

I was in the raw (that's how I sleep) when Sixteen buzzed me on the ZunePhone on mansion-security channel 13. This was highly unusual because the Blackwater guys usually just rough-up and turn away any visitors after midnight. Sixteen said, "Sorry sir, but Pauly Shore and his bus load of friends is out here at the perimeter A gate, he insist you were expecting him?"
I knew Sixteen and the BWBG's would beat the snot out of them if I said no, so I said,
"Oh yeah, I forgot, let them through. Take his entourage to guest-house 4 in perimeter B and escort Mr. Shore to the house please."
By the time I put on some pajamas and came down on the southwest escalator, sixteen was dropping Pauly off to the south foyer.
As sixteen was leaving, Pauly pointed at him and said, "I told you maaan! Me n' Mista B is tight!"
When Sixteen was gone I said,
"Pauly, Baby! You took a whoppin' big chance crash'n in on the Balm dis time o' da PM!"
He laughed, "Mista B! you know me baby! I goes where I goes!" I responded, "right on muh maaan!"
He then flopped onto the couch and put his feet up on the Surface Coffee table, It came on, he then looks at me all serious like an said,
"Me and my peeps been on the road all week, wez comin' back from Caaaa-Naaa-Daaaah head'n ta San Fran and jes needs a place to crash fo' a few."
I smiled, raised my hands and said, "My crib is yo crib dude!"

We stayed up all night playing Giant Square Mine Sweeper on the coffee table.

Gawd! are we having a good time! Friends like Pauly are hard to find!
He must'a know'd I was feel'n down about the Yahoo thang!

Hellary Stresses Her Klan-Appeal!

I don't know whats wrong with me, I don't have a political bone in my entire body, BUT! This woman makes my skin crawl!
She believes that she has the poor-ignorant-white-vote tied up!

Now, tell me, are you one of her supporters?

Barrak BEWARE! They know Something!

I would advise Mr. Obamamamama not to get on any planes between now and convention!

You can never count the masters of coincidental accidental tragic death, the Clintons out!



'nuff said!

At Least Bill Still Believes in Me!

Gates is in Tokyo and is being dogged everywhere he goes about the Yahoo debacle, but I'm finally proud of my little buddy! He's growing a spine! He refuses to say anything negative about me and expresses "full confidence" in me! Bill said:

"Steve knows exactly what he's doing! He took a look at Yahoo and decided that on our own he likes the stuff we're doing."

He knows that I am the skipper of this ship and the skipper is always right!... a whole lot more of you people out there need to remember that!

Reward! Lost Special Edition Balm Zune!

I was very upset last month to discover that my special edition Balm Zune is missing! I last remember seeing it at CEBIT, when I was hold up at the Raffles Vier Jahreszeiten — Hamburg, Germany, all curtains are drawn!
My people have questioned the entire staff, bugged their homes and continue to monitor their computers. No evidence of it has been found so far. It could be anywhere between Newyork and Hamburg. It was one of a kind and is greatly missed.

This Zune contains the complete works of Balm! All 53 instrumentals by me, bill, Ozzie and TOG, it is potentially priceless!

If you or anyone you associate with has seen it, please contact me here.
A hefty reward is available to any person for it's safe return, no questions asked!

I WON'T FORGIVE! .... I WON'T FORGET!

NOW! Jerry Yang is backing up, having secong thoughts, re-asessing, soul-searching, reconsidering, .....
He did the one thing that noone has ever done (other than myself), made me look like a dope!
I won't fall for this one!

... and I WON'T FORGIVE! .... I WON'T FORGET!



... dispite the fact that: I am Not Evil!

Mac on Podium, Proven Fake! Here's the Real Thing!

The scandalous allegations by a couple of fakers that I used a Mac to run a presentation has been proven to be completely bogus! Here is the photographic evidence:My personal PI, Jack Stone, uncovered an unretouched copy from one of the culprit's personal computers (they have macs).
PI Jack Stone gained entry into Paint.it.Black's trailer in the Sahddy Grove trailer park by posing as an exterminator, his final report says:

"I pretended to be giving away my exterminatory services as a public service for the day, PIB was overjoyed! I convinced him he had to leave for a few hours while I fumigated the 12'x24'. The domicile was alive with vermin of all types, but, my objective was his computer. Per Mr. Ballmer's instructions, I cloned the entire drive and upon completion reformatted the original and installed Vista Home Edition via bootcamp. On my departure, I sprayed two full cans of Raid Yard Guard throughout the place, it didn't seem to do much good."

The geeks here at MS retrieved this original photo from the clone.
The resulting ORIGINAL photos clearly show I was actually using my Sony Viao!

CASE CLOSED! CONTROVERSY OVER! URBAN LEGEND DISPELLED!



Paint.it.black and Chubbystar, you both may yet be hearing from our lawyers soon! (That's if they don't call the local police department about some of the other more "disturbing" photographs we found first!)

I've Got a Hard Walk Ahead!

I went to sleep last night with a lot on my mind! I've got Apple and everybody in Hollywood expanding the iTunes store to worry about, the consequences of the botched Yahoo deal, everyone despises Vista, Novel is suing us for a half trillion and winning and my dentist claims I have incurable gingivitis!
I guess all of this had something to do with that weird dream I had:
I was Dewey Cox, I was singing Walk Hard; suddenly all of the strings on my guitar broke, the entire audience started leaving and my leather suit started shrinking rapidly! As I struggled to get the suit off, Larry Ellison, Steve Jobs and Jerry Yang walked up to me and started laughing their butts off!
I screamed "help me please! I'm dieing here!"
They then stopped laughing, Steve started throwing big aluminum Apples at me, Ellison turned into the sun and started burning me and Yang started yelling "Yahoooooo! Yahoooo! Yahooo!.... as loudly as he could right in my ear!"
I saw Bill Gates passing by and called, "help me Bill!"
He stopped, stared, then he burst into flames, said "sorry, Ballmey-boy, I'm outta' here!"

Suddenly I woke up! I remembered it all.
I went to the East kitchen, told the refrigerator to give me a nice glass of milk. As I drank it and thought about the dream, I said to myself,

"What a nightmare, it wasn't all bad though, Bill will be outta' here soon!"

Clearly a Deal is Not to BE!

I raised my offer for Yahoo by $5,000,000,000 and they still said NO!
I could have proceeded with the hostile take-over but my analyst told me that by the time we finished that, all of the Yahoo "talent" would have bolted!
I haven't been beaten, I've been stupiden!

To be or not to be?

NOT TO BE!
Sheesh!

Here is the text of an internal memo I sent Saturday afternoon to Microsoft employees:

From: Steve Ballmer

Sent: Saturday, May 03, 2008 5:18 PM

To: Microsoft - All Employees (QBDG)

Subject: Withdrawal of Offer to Acquire Yahoo!

This afternoon I sent the attached letter to Jerry Yang announcing that Microsoft has withdrawn its proposal to acquire Yahoo. We proposed the deal in the belief that a Microsoft-Yahoo merger would create a combined company with the resources and assets to win in the fast-growing market for advertising and online services.

Although the acquisition of Yahoo would have accelerated our ability to deliver on our strategy in advertising and online services, I remain confident that we can achieve our goals without Yahoo. We have a strategy in place to do so and we will continue to expand on this strategy and accelerate our progress.

Our strategy has three components:

•Deliver on the basics. We will continue to improve search relevance and build out our ad platform.

•Change the game through innovation. We will expand investments in engineering and deliver transformative tools and Web experiences.

•Expand our global scale and focus. We will pursue partnerships and investments to realize the competitive advantages that come with scale.

At the heart of our strategy is a commitment to bring the benefits of competition, choice, and innovation to everyone who uses the Internet--from consumers to content creators to advertisers.

We are 100 percent focused on executing on this strategy and we have made good progress in a very short time. We've improved search relevance dramatically, introduced compelling new search verticals, successfully integrated Aquantive, and added nearly 100 new publishers to our ad platform. In the last couple of months we've rolled out new versions of key products including Internet Explorer and Silverlight, and introduced new technologies like Live Mesh. We now have over 430 million active users of our Windows Live services worldwide. And we continue to add new technologies with acquisitions such as YaData, which brings leading-edge behavioral targeting technology, and Caligari, which gives us advanced 3D modeling capabilities that will help us continue to improve Virtual Earth.

Ultimately, our goal is to build the industry-leading business in search, online advertising, media, and social networking.

We are absolutely committed to being the leader in each of these areas. Now is the time to do what we have always done best--be tenacious, focus on the long term, innovate, and keep working hard.

I want to thank all of you for your patience during this process and for your dedication and hard work across all of our businesses. We asked that you remain focused on our goals through these cycles, and you have done this extremely well. We are committed to making the investments that will enable us to compete and, ultimately, lead in the online services and advertising businesses. Together, I know we will succeed.

I am not evil:
Steve

May the Force Be With You!

Sorry for posting so many videos in the last weeks, I said I would do no more than one per week, then I saw this and I just had to do it! I'll get back to the tech stuff next week.I think it is an insult to Lord Vader to compare him to Hellary though!

Since I'm at it, I'll post my two music Videos and get it out of my system. ENJOY!

Yahoo, Network: Same Thing!

I love "Network," so I'm putting up a little more of it. This scene reminds of of our secret negotiations with Yahoo, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday in the banquet room of the Redmond Motel 6. They beg for more, we say no. If I had a gun like this guy maybe we could get somewhere!

EVIL, Pure and Simple!

My secretary came into my office, she was visibly shaken, I said,
"What's wrong Irma? Are you feeling alright?"
She was sobbing, she shakily pointed at my ZunePhone and in a hoarse voice said, "She's still calling sir! She's on line one, I can't take it any more!" She then ran out.
I yelled behind her, "I'll handle this!"

I paused for a moment and composed myself, I then picked up the ZP1, pressed line one and said,

"HELLO HILLARY!"

HILLARY: "So you are there! You m*%$#@^ useless piece of $#**&!"

BALLMER: "I'm fine, and how are you?"

HILLARY: "I'm surging back to the top of the polls, no thanks to you!"

I sighed deeply;
BALLMER: "I sent your campaign 1000 Celeron PC's running Vista!" I could barely hold back the laughter.

HILLARY: "Those g0*%%#$ things cost me two states! They are landfilled now! Muahahahahaha!"

BALLMER: "So I guess you are calling for another 'donation' heh?"

HILLARY: "Well yes Stephanous, anything over ten million would be appreciated dear!"

BALLMER: "Would you like an answer now?"

HILLARY: "That's why I called b@$%@%*!"

I then got up from my desk, walked over to my personal executive washroom and sweetly said,

"Here's my answer you evil witch!"
I then dropped the ZunePhone into the voice controlled toilet and commanded, "Flush!"

**SWOOOOOSH!**

THAT! Felt gooooood!
I think I'll take Irma to lunch right after I take a shower.

Why Buy Yahoo? The Meeting About ... Nothing.

From my employees town Hall Meeting:
"It accelerates scale. Gets us more advertisers, gets us search. Yahoo’s not a strategy. It’s a part of a strategy. We’re interested in paying for it at some level and beyond that level we’re not willing to pay for it. I know EXACTLY what I think Yahoo is worth and I won’t go a dime above.

We missed the deadline but we’re in the process. I report nothing. I’ve got nothing to say today.

We’ve got basically the three big options in front of us. There’s the friendly deal, there’s an unfriendly deal, third path is simply to walk away. Given it’s just a part of a strategy – if neither of those look good, we walk away. It makes sense at the price we proposed and I think it’s a good deal for Yahoo shareholders. It’s a huge premium. It’s one of the largest valuations.

We oughta know something – we oughta announce something in very short order.

There’s nothing definitive to say today. We have a great plan and strategy and we have a long way to go. We are not number one and number one is a lot bigger than us. There may not be many people here that remember when we were a distant number 2 before. You gotta be willing to look outside of the box and Yahoo is $44 billion outside of our box. If Yahoo doesn’t happen there’s a number of other things we’ll look at."

PI Report - Mac on Podium at Presentation

Jack Stone – Private Investigative Services

Client: Stephanous Anton Ballmerfeld
MS blanket Acct 664552b1

Subjects of inquiry: Paint.It.Black / ChubbyStar
Offense: Spreading anti-MS propaganda via Flickr.com

Synopsis:

Subjects PIB and CS are Flickr aliases for J**** F***** and S**** A****.
Ages: 32 and 17

PIB: SWM – NE US Resident,
Occupation: assistant Janitor - Schools system.
Subject was at one time a MSCE but was discharged and discredited by his supervisors for conflicts of interest. (Exact circumstances are uncertain at this time, my interviews indicate that the termination was unceremonious and violent!) During his extraction from MS premises PIB yelled, “I’ll get you all back! d**n you to h*ll! You all and that Monkey-boy!”

CS: SWM/F – NE US Resident
Occupation: Student/Bagboy – Falligant Foods inc
Subject is full time student in his third year of ninth grade.
CS is typical Macintosh user and is registered with several Mac-related forums.
History: utterly unremarkable.

Cross References:
PIB works at the same school CS attends and both live in Shaddy Grove trailer park.

Preliminary Conclusion: There is some type of collusion/conspiracy between these two to harm the reputation of MS in general and Mr. Ballmer in particular. Photograph of Mac on podium at Mr. Ballmer’s presentation rated : FAKE