The Smokescreen Retirement!

I have to give it to Bill, that weasel is as slick as snailscum on Teflon. He did me one last HUGE favor by agreeing to retire XP on the same day as his last!
He told me, "people will scream like branded cats on XP-Kill day!" So months ago we agreed that the only day that it could be done was when he was leaving. So far the " smokescreen retirement" has worked a thousand times better than we had dreamed!
Everywhere I look through-out the media and blog sphere all of the news is about:
"Gates Leaving!"
"Gates Gone!"
"Gates Out, Ballmer In!"
"Can Ballmer Take the heat!" .....
Not even one word about XP being skewered!
It's like nobdy even noticed!


Goodbye Bill, and thanks for all the fish!

I am not evil

Bill's Last Day Video

I confessed to Bill this morning that I am actually Fake Steve Ballmer! It's his last day, why the heck not?
He was unsurprised, he said,
"I suspected it, some of that stuff on that blog only you and I could have known!"
I slapped him on the back,
"You knew all this time and never gave me away? Wow! You are one cool dude! What do you want me to do on it today Bill, the sky is the limit!"
....All he wanted was for me to post his last day video. He's actually acting it all out today.

Video: Bill Gates' Last Day - CES Clip

Bill was good!
Ballmer shall be GREAT!


btw: We are trashing XP today too! Thusly begins BALLMERSOFT!

Why Can't There Be More Canadians!

The Canadians have been abused by Apple one too many times! These people are not gonna' take it any more!
The iPhone plan, rates, service, bandwidth, delivery, .... are horrific in Canada! They came to me and asked "Que pouvons-nous faire Mister Ballma?" I advised them to wait for the ZunePhone and until then to create a protest site where the dear, sweet, oppressed Canadians could rail against Apple and their surrogates before the entire world!

"Everyone would like to say 'NO THANKS' to Rogers/Fido for screwing our iPhone Canadian dream with poor data/voice plans. If you consider these plans not suitable, please sign this petition. On July 11th 2008, we will send a printed copy of all these messages to Rogers HQ to demonstrate our indignation toward them. We would like to say "Thank You, You" for signing this petition and helping the iPhone cause in Canada."

If you are Canadian (or can pretend to be) sign their petition:
Join the struggle against the peta-eating, latte-sipping, mock-turtle-necked Fascist!

I have even found a small forum for Canadian Mac users (there is a such thing) and I post there occasionally in an effort to convert them or drive them into the sea!


O Canada! Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

What's Really Up With This Gates Foundation Thing!

Bill came into my office this morning, he just kinda' sauntered about with that stupid Cheshire cat grin he always has when he's up to something while humming Radar Love. I continued to work, he'll speak when he's ready.
After a few minutes he sighed loudly and flopped down into my lazy-boy (I hate that). He then said,

"It will all be yours in just a little while tatta-head, you have nothing to lose now, go ahead, ask me, ask me what you have been wondering every time you looked at me for the last year or so."

I stopped working, leaned back in my chair, smiled and responded:

"You are correct as usual Bill, so here goes; What in the world are you trying to pull with this 'I'm retiring to feed the poor and help mankind crapola?' We both know that you could care less about third worlders, Linux users and the non-manicured!
I KNOW you Billy-boy! What are you really up to?"

He smiled at me broadly, sat up, pointed upwards and said in that happy erry tone of his,
"SAINTHOOD!"

I was dumbfounded! Fascinated! Captivated! I said, "What?"

His arms started flailing, he spoke swiftly and calmly:

"Don't you get it tatta? Sainthood is like the ultimate thing! Do I want my legacy to the world to be this crap we have been pushing on people for the last couple of decades? I realised that I'm the richest man in the whole freak'n world and every minute of the day people curse my name! They associate me with their frustrations, problems, buggy half-baked copy-cat software thrown together at the last minute, crashes, freezes, angst .... ya see tatta-head! As far as the average person is concerned I may as well be Satan! God knows I've done nearly as much damage!"

He then got up, spread his arms wide and exclaimed,
"That's why I'm leaving it all to you buddy! Nobody likes your Monkey-boy rump anyways, you're the perfect Microsoft CEO!
In another ten years or so nobody will even remember I had anything to do with this, donations will be flowing in, documentaries (good ones) will be made! I WILL BE IMMORTAL!!!"

I smiled at him and snidely said: "Two problems ferret-face! You are not even Catholic! You think that you are God!"

Bill grinned again: "I'm working with the Vatican on the first and the second hasn't been disproved."



We both just looked at each other and said in concert, "What a plan!"

Comdex 2003 Matrix Spoof

Just in case you have been living under a rock or using a Mac for the past five years I wanted to make sure you have seen this:



Thanks to Yert for reminding me. Check's in the mail.
See I am a funny guy.

Furniputers Soon!

We are getting ready to take the next big step in the evolution of computers!
We here at Microsoft have realized for years that computers should be imbeded in homes, but how? Our solution, to make computers furinture or furniture computers. WOW! you say.
Our amazing demo at D: was just the beginning! We will eventually build software into everything: beds, dressers, bars, chairs, urinals, toasters, welcome mats, .... the possibilities are endless. Forget that crapware by Apple, Lie-nux, Son, ... we are the real deal, take my word for it, trust me, you are best off sticking with us. So don't screw up by switching.

God Continues to Punish Yang and Yahoo!

Yahoo's board of directors are doing their best to encourage Jerry Yang to do the right thing (not Hari Kari). But, just in case he remains intransigent they have essentially stripped him of a good bit of his power!

Wired puts it this way:
"Yahoo Inc. is setting up a new chain of command amid the turmoil triggered by the embattled Internet icon's snub of Microsoft Corp.'s $47.5 billion takeover bid.
Under the new pecking order announced Thursday, Yahoo executive vice presidents Hilary Schneider and Ash Patel are being given expanded responsibilities over the Sunnyvale-based company's products and sales teams.
Schneider, a former newspaper executive, has been moving up the ranks since she joined Yahoo in September 2006. Patel has played a key role in developing many of Yahoo's most popular products, including its finance section and instant messaging service, since joining the company 12 years ago.
Yahoo also is reorganizing its technology division in an effort to use its computing power more effectively and improve the coordination between its product developers and engineers."

-Interpetation: You are next sucker!

Remember, I have nothing to do with any of this 'directly'! This is God slapping him around! God, wants Microsoft to own Yahoo.com! God is the judge and jury! We should not question his will!

God Continues to Punish Yang and Yahoo! Yang and Yahoo!

Obama Don't Fail Me Now! - Evil Lurks!

(The Zunecast on this one is especially good, listen in!)

I thought I was rid of the evil one once she conceded defeat to Barak, but boy was I wrong!
Hellary has been stalking me for the last few weeks. It started out with just phone calls in the middle of the night, she would just raspily breath my name over and over into the phone:

"Baaaallmeeeer, Baaaaallmeeeer, ....".

Now it's getting scary! She's beginning to speak! She makes my skin crawl!
Last night, I finally got her to explain herself.
She blames me for her not winning the nomination, she said,

"If you gave me the campaign contributions I demanded, I would have been able to beat that black guy! Now I'm stuck trying to blackmail him into making me his Vice-President! Vice-President d@## it Ballmer! Yooooouuu Wiiiiiilll Paaaaay! Yooooouuu Wiiiiiilll Paaaaay! Yooooouuu Wiiiiiilll Paaaaay! ......"

I ripped the phone out of the wall! Then a second later my ZunePhone rang, I answered it:

" Yooooouuu Wiiiiiilll Paaaaay! Yooooouuu Wiiiiiilll Paaaaay! ...."

I threw the Zunephone down, stomped on it, smashed it into little pieces!
Then, the voice came over the household intercom:

" Yooooouuu Wiiiiiilll Paaaaay! Yooooouuu Wiiiiiilll Paaaaay! ...."

My wife, kids and staff all heard it! They ran into my room frightened to death!
After a few minutes security was able to stop the signal somehow.

My little girls asked, "Papa, what was that?"
I looked at them all and proclaimed, "That was evil, pure and simple! ... and she must be stopped!"

We all slept in my bed that night.

I'm calling Mr. Obama in the morning. If I have to I'll volunteer for VP!
"Deliver us from EVIL!"

ZuneTouch Coming Soon!

I can't tell you too much about it right now, but I assure you it's capabilities are revolutionary! Between the ZuneTouch and the ZunePhone Halographic, Microsoft will be back as the undisputed KING OF TECHNOLOGY!
Please, pick up your jaw and mop up over there Mr. Jobs!


ZuneTouch ... A whole new layer of Life!

Bill Still Talking!

Note how he talks about what a fantastic job I have done, am doing and will do! He mentions one of the secret "Cloud-Projects" which he was supposed to shut-up about, but that's okay, he was as usual sufficiently vague and way off in the futurish.
This is gonna' be one looooong week!

The iMac Killer!

Ladies and gentlemen! This blog shall go down in the near future as the record of note of the demise of Apple's iMac the the entire cult! HP has out iMac'd the iMac!
Introducing the HP TouchSmart PC

... And it runs off Vista! Yeah Baby!

Bill To Be Replaced by my TEAM!

Bill will be totally out of the picture next month, he did a great job!
A Billy cannot be replaced, so his position will be split up between Ray Ozzie and that other guy, arround the office we just call him TOG. I can never remember his name, he's the type of guy whose face you can't remember. It dosen't matter though, he's a smart guy who always agrees with me at board meetings. When asked a question he always responds "Geez, let's see what Steve thinks about it".
Oz isn't quite as smart as TOG but he's getting there.
These two are the first members of what I'm calling my "Rubber Stamp" TEAM.

Bill you will be sorely missed, but there will be "changes" when you leave and having TOG arround will be helpful.

CNet is on to Us!

CNet has confirmed the existence of the Zune Halographic!
Dang! Why can't you people keep your mouths shut? They are not supposed to take this blog seriously. I think they even know that I am actually me!

Canadians Never Had it So Good!

btw: That band in the video really stinks, you will not be seeing them at any more Zune-events!
For some good to the bone music - see Balm!

I Pity the Fool Who Doesn't Use Vista!

I went to show and tell at my daughter's school dressed up as Mr. B!
The kids were duly impressed. I just thought it would be cool to let you guys see me as Mr. B.
btw: When the teacher asked if any of them had a question for me, some snot-eater raised his hand and said,
"My dad says that Windows Vista blows!"
I kept my composure, I just walked up to him, lifted him out of his seat with one arm, poked my finger in his face, scowled and said,
"I pity the fool who doesn't use Vista!"
He started to cry. For some reason the teacher looked upset too. So I just went back to the front of the class and flexed a few more times. As I waved goodbye, I pointed at the kid and yelled, "Kids remember ....", they all shouted in concert:
"PITY THE FOOL!"
As I was closing the door, the whole class stood and applauded (except the snot-eater)!
My little angel stood up in her desk and yelled, "That's my dad!"

On the way back to the limo I said to my BlackWater Bodyguard 7, "Find that kids parents and have them investigated! There is something wrong with those people! I won't have my angel exposed to those types!"
BWBG7: "Yes sir Mr. Ballmer sir!"

God Punishing Yang and Yahoo! Yang and Yahoo!

I am not one to gloat, but in this case I will make an exception to that rule!
God Punishing Yang and Yahoo! Yang and Yahoo!
Jerry Yang and the Yahoo gang did everything they possibly could to reject and embarrass me! To make me look like a clutz, a buffoon, a fool, a Mac User!
God Punishing Yang and Yahoo! Yang and Yahoo!
Well what do they think now?
Yahoo's entire house of cards is falling in around them, the shoe's on the other foot, reaping what they have sown, bottom rail's on top, ..... All of the rats are gettin' while the gettin's good! All of their key people are leaving Jerry and his funky bunch and he's feeling a little worried. Even Dan Lie-ons is spoofing him!
See details here.
God Punishing Yang and Yahoo! Yang and Yahoo!
Some have suggested that I am somehow secretly orchestrating this, I wish I were! Even Yahoo executives can only take so much: Yang rejected Microsoft and made a pact with the Devil (Gaggle) all in the same week!
God Punishing Yang and Yahoo! Yang and Yahoo!
Let this be an example to any others who would go down the Yahoolish path which leads to destruction!

God Punishing Yang and Yahoo! Yang and Yahoo!

Just Say NO to FirePox!

The Mothzilla people have brought FirePox 3 out of it's beta cocoon after oh so long! Millions download it in the first few hours! What's the very first thing that happens to it? It's hacked! Well so much for SBS "Standards Based Software"!

THE PROBLEM WITH SBS!

In a nice fantasy world where every one loves each other, where pixies fly, where we all just share and get along, SBS rules. BUT, we don't live there! The Open-sourcers, SBS crowd, moonies, lunnies, iTards, Alien-Mothershipers and Linux people will just have to face the truth one day!

THE TRUTH: Hackers love "open" standards! Everyone can have this stuff, it's free, free to have and free to manipulate, free to corrupt!

What the world really needs is proprietary systems and software and standards! The kind of stuff that a hacker will have to take years trying to figure out the source to! Then when they do get close we change it all up on them, frustrate them, force everybody to upgrade or be left behind! Every company will have their own way of doing things as they see fit! Isn't that really what true freedom is all about? Doing things your way! Not being told by others that you have to "share", to play well with others, to make the intellectual property which you have slaved over "open and accessible" to anybody who comes along!

C'mon people! If you want to see MY pictures, shouldn't you have to user MY viewer? Isn't that truly basic fairness, equity and just plain decency? What's mine is mine and what's yours is yours! It's only "ours" if you pay for it!

All of these freeloaders are really getting on my nerves! I prefer to pay my way! I like buying or renting, not living in some God-forsaken "free and open" hell hole with no doors or windows!


Sorry, but I get passionate about this stuff!
I am not evil

I Just Liked This!

Mary-Jo's Confession:

While I do think that you are my most ardent MS supporter (next to George Ou) and a wonderful person, it can go no further than that. Sorry Mary-Jo.

Thanks to Mike Cox for taking a screen shot of this before ZDnet took it off line. We will have to do lunch, my treat.

Her original article

Setting Beijing Straight!

A few months ago the Olympics IT Committee announced that the systems running critical applications for the games will not be running Vista but XP:
"Yang Yuanqing, chairman of Lenovo, miffed the Vole during a briefing in Beijing earlier this month, when he said that the Olympic Games require mature, stable technologies and were not the place to try out something new.
As a result, all the Olympic Games' vital PC-related tasks, including games management systems, the results systems, commentator information systems, and the staff and scheduling systems, will run on XP."
Seeing the terrible mistake these people were making and being very concerned about the image of the Olympic games I made a few phone calls to certain key people:

1. Darnd Dangkut'r (Chinese Olympics liason)
This guy was no help at all, he kept pretending that he didn't speak english, "No speeky-dee anglash, No speeky-dee anglash,". I let him know that I knew this old trick and knew that he could understand every word I was saying. Dispite my protestations, he kept the act up. But I know I straightened him out!

2. The Levnovonovo Guy Yang;
He didn't dare try the "no speeky-dee" trick on me. I just kinda' nicely reminded him how MS was a "strategic partner" and how it would be in both parties best interest to "accentuate critical deployment structures relevant to business operabilities in mission subjectively critical outgoing peramiters within heterogenius chinese lateral markets!" He got the message! I know because he just kept saying, "yes missa Ballme, yes missa Ballme, yes missa Ballme, ..."
I ended the conversation with a little chinese of my own, "shiut shiut", he replied, "yes missa Ballme,". Good call.

3. Wen Jiabao 温家宝; Premier PRC;
He started out, "no speeky-dee", I cut him off! "I'm not falling for that Wen!" Then suddenly some woman's voice came over the line, she claimed to be a "transistor". I told her that I knew what a transistor was and she wasn't one! I just slammed the phone down on them! Boy, I bet they were upset, but they got the message.

You just gotta know how to handle people from different cultures, that's why I'm CEO!

The 300! History Repeats Itself!

As I was watching the 300 (in Zune Holograph mode) I realized that what the producers were really doing was making a metaphor about the history of technology today. Think about it ...










At the end Jobs takes one last shot at Gates but misses! The Apple 300 are destroyed.

The PERFECT iMac!

I admit it, the iMac is one impressive piece of hardware!
Why the heck HP, Dell, Compac, Leveno, Matel, Sony.... can't make a computer this sleek, beautiful and powerful is beyond me.
HOWEVER, as nice as this computer seems to be it has one huuugggeee flaw, THE SOFTWARE! These things come with some lame Vista rip-off OS installed! This is simply unacceptable.
MY ANSWER!
Wipe the hard drive and install Vista Ultimate, this thing should really purr with a bonafied MS OS installed! Imagine how well this thing would run Publisher, Paint, Access, the clock, Fax Viewer or Command Prompt! I felt so strongly about this that I called Jobs (the real one) himself and told him that Apple should abandon all of this "X" and "i" stuff and just make hardware like the other regular computer companies, let Microsoft worry about software, the development savings would be tremendous!
My answer was about 30 seconds of silence (bad iPhone connection), then he said, "uh, well, ummm thanks for the suggestion Mr Ballmer, I'll take it under advisement and give it all due consideration".

You know, Jobs may not be as dumb as I thought.

Fake Floundering Lyons, "Who's Doing Ballmer?"

Fake of a fake fake copy-boy Dan lyons aka FSJ was traveling the world on his book tour last year, his favorite subject, "Fake Steve Ballmer". Everywhere he went he had to mention this site because it's the only way to keep a "talk" with him interesting!
He says the blog is no good, but he can't seem to stop talking about it! Go figure?
He has several extra stupid theories:

1. This blog is actually manufactured in Redmond by nerds in the Microsoft basement.

2. That this blog is actually written by John Dvorak.

3. That this is a "me too" blog, I am copying him.

Like I have said before, "This guy is all washed up, a hack, yesterday's news, unoriginal, burned out, a fake of a fake!"
I am surprised that anybody even bothers to still read that crap he urinates all over the web!

How To Know You Are A Big Company ....

Answer:
"When everybody thinks you are.
You're a small company when everybody thinks you are, including your employees.
You're kind of an emerging company when everybody thinks you are.
You're a larger company when everybody thinks you are.
Clearly something happened between 1999 and 2003. We went from being whatever we were when weren't really what we were to being viewed as a very big company which we wished we were, because governments and everybody else said these guys are a very big company. And then you have to say, O.K., if that's the perception, then you have to have a value proposition that's appropriate to the precieved position. And not only had we not renewed our value proposition, we had tried to make small tweaks in some of the trappings and form around that value proposition that were sort of inconsistent with where it was and where it needed to go when it wasn't what we wanted the preception was. So Lisa had to, when she took over, clean that up."

- Just wanted to share some of my wisdom from my BusinessWeek interview with you people.


I am not evil

The Search For Search!

I was sitting under my desk, depressed, beat, bewildered, beleaguered, bewitched, bothered, bedeviled and just plain begoogled; all over this whole "search" thing!
What was I missing? It can't be this complicated! Those children over at Gaggle are making tons of money off it and now to make matters even worse, Yahoo is joining them!
All I wanted to do was brood and sulk all day!

Then something strange happened.

My secretary Irma buzzed me on the ZunePhone! I ordered her explicitly that I was NOT to be disturbed today, yet she still buzzed me knowing very well that such an act of insubordination could cost her her job! So I answered:

"Irma! This had better be gooood! I'm under, uh in, here contemplating!"

IRMA: "Sorry Sir but I was just reading something on the Seattle Times website that I thought would be able to bring you out of your 'contemplation' sir!"

"That's impossible! What is it?"

IRMA: "Let me read this portion of this article called, 'Microsoft spurned as Yahoo, Google strike alliance' sir, it says:
'Consumer confusion:
Matt Rosoff, analyst at Kirkland-based Directions on Microsoft, said the company has a branding problem. Consumers are confused by its Live, Windows Live and MSN online brands. They don't know what Microsoft's search engine is called or what Web address to enter to use it.' sir."

There was complete silence for about two minutes, we both just stared at each other's holograms atop our ZunePhones ......
Then I scurried from under my desk, leapt into my lazyboy and said:
"Irma! Find this Rosof guy! Hire him! Put him on strategy team seven! Schedule a meeting with marketing, the ad guys, legal and Gates in one hour! Fire everybody on strategy teams three through five! Put the entire campus on Press-Lockdown for the next 3 days! CHOP CHOP!"

IRMA: "Oh Mista Ballmer! You're back!"

"Oh yes! By the way Irma, you're not fired, but dock yourself 3 days pay for that bit of insubordination! I can't have that around here! .... and thank you."


I am not evil

.. Of Rats and Journalist!

Remember that movie, "Willard", he trains an army of rats that eventually turn on him?
They are led by Ben and Socrates: fat, stinky, maladjusted, nasty, illtempered, fickle rats who just can't be pleased. Well, lately I have been feeling a little Willardy, you see some of the head fat, stinky, maladjusted, nasty, illtempered, fickle rats who just can't be pleased have been turning on MS just because they have had a few minor problems with Vista. The rats:
BEN - Jim Louderhack (uncerimoniously dismissed editor of PCWorld) took his parting shot;
"So why, nine months after launch, am I so frustrated? The litany of what doesn't work and what still frustrates me stretches on endlessly."
SOCRATES - James Shallows (Poorly attried National Correspondent for The Atlantic Monthly) says he is going back to XP;
"...I said that users should wait to buy new computers until the new version of Windows, Vista, was available -- and that "of course" they should buy Vista-equipped machines once they could. That was wrong. I apologize."

My response, in the words of imortal Willard himself;

"You're trying to take my house. You made a fool of me in front of everybody. You made me hate myself. I thought about it a lot, hating myself. Well right now, at this moment, I LIKE myself."

To the Microsoft faithful I say, to the forums, man you blogs, "Tear 'em up! muahahahahaha"

Caught On Video At The WWDC!

I know that nobody who reads this blog would ever waste their time watching Steve Jabs' Keynote at the WWDC but there is one thing on it that is worth noting. Not the iPhumb 3Gee, not Snow Leotard, not the cult rally environment, it's ME! I was watching the stream from his speech and noticed that near the end when the camera panned across the audience, I saw me! I was in one of my ingenious disguises of course, I thought it was pretty funny!
All of these supposed "geniuses" and not one of them caught on!
I have to give the iTards one thing though, they throw one heck of a party after hours! I limbo'd until the wee hours of the morning! Other than that there was nothing of consequence here for "papa Microsoft".

It took me two days to stop saying "dude" at the end of every sentence.

Seeing God! ... again

It's hard to explain, many of you will not believe, but I've got to tell it anyway.
Last night just after Wellington tucked the kids in and retired for the evening, I decided to go to the south spa alone. As I passed through the Teal-room I began to feel woozy, with nothing to catch ahold of I fell "splat" onto the room's surface-computer, my body face down atop it. I don't know how long I was there, but when I opened my eyes there he was! I was frozen, couldn't speak, it was sooo beautiful words fail. Then the scene changed and I saw a lush green meadow with rolling hills and a gorgeous blue wisp cloudy sky, I could have stayed there forever!
Next everything went blank, then it appeared, I was stunned, I had no idea, ... there was a Microsoft Vista logo floating in front of me, it glowed and moved ever so slowly, I was captivated, enthralled, what doe's this mean? What is HE trying to tell me? Unable to speak or move I thought, "speak master, I will obey". At that moment everything went a brilliant blinding blue! In that sea of blue I saw these words, "ERROR, ERROR, ERROR, ERROR, ....." It was everywhere! I cried, "error is everywhere, there must be an answer, show me the way ... your way!" Then the answer came "CONTROL - DELETE ERROR" Then the floating Vista Logo reappeared, the meadow came back!
BOOM! I saw sparks, lightning, smoke, sooo glorious, such power!
At that point I blacked out again, the next thing I knew I was in my bed, Wellington holding my hand, my kids aside me, several security personnel running about, the grounds medic removing bandages from my face.
"Don't scare us like that again daddy" Charity said.
I responded, "everything is fine baby, Daddy has never felt better, I know my purpose in life now!"

It's Over! Yahoo Talks Ended!

After months of talking to these guys, I finally said "enough is enough!"
I called up Yang and told him I was sick and tired of playing these stupid word games and asked him flat out if there would or could be any kind of a deal here.
I will never forget his reply:
"No, you stupid Monkey-boy! ... but we did enjoy all of the free press."

Ten minutes later they issued a press release:




"Yahoo! Inc. (Nasdaq:YHOO), a leading global Internet company, today announced that discussions with Microsoft regarding a potential transaction -- whether for an acquisition of all of Yahoo! or a partial acquisition -- have concluded. The conclusion of discussions follows numerous meetings and conversations with Microsoft regarding a number of transaction alternatives, including a meeting between Yahoo! and Microsoft on June 8th in which Chairman Roy Bostock and other independent Board members from Yahoo! participated. At that meeting, Microsoft representatives stated unequivocally that Microsoft is not interested in pursuing an acquisition of all of Yahoo!, even at the price range it had previously suggested.

With respect to an acquisition of Yahoo!'s search business alone that Microsoft had proposed, Yahoo!'s Board of Directors has determined, after careful evaluation, that such a transaction would not be consistent with the company's view of the converging search and display marketplaces, would leave the company without an independent search business that it views as critical to its strategic future and would not be in the best interests of Yahoo! stockholders. "

... and that was that!

The Jobs Factor! - MBC Chapter 8

Chapter 8:
"The Jobs Factor"

.... I was incredulous of what the report from Jack Stone P.I. said; his report alleged that:

"The informant (Rotten Core) claimed that Steve Jobs died from some rare form of cancer six years ago, but thanks to the work that Apple had done with industry leading Genome mapping, Medical labs and Soviet scientist, the Apple Board of directors decided to authorize Mr. Jobs' cloning!
The board felt that without Jobs as a figurehead the entire Apple Cult would fall apart, stocks would plummet and the company would be destroyed in a matter of days. Jobs had left no aire-apparent, to 99% of the public, HE IS APPLE! They had nothing to lose!
The cloning went far, far, far better than any of them had ever expected, the new "Steve" was up and running within two months of Jobs#1's exit. The new Jobs even believed that he was the original. All records of those board meetings, expenditures, notes, ... everything was destroyed. Al Gore declared, "J2 is a success!"
There was only one defect in the cloning; while being vegan 95% of the time, once a month the clone must consume 18 ounces of human flesh!"

I told Jack Stone P.I. that this part of the report could not be included in his final version to the MBIC (Monkey-Boy Investigative Committee) because we could never admit that Apple had successfully accomplished CEO cloning while all of our experiments in the area to date have been such abysmal failures! .......

Sorry, I'm Running Late With This, The MBC!

I was supposed to have been finished with this book by now, but the Yahoo thing has had me preoccupied. Just interpet Spring as Spring '09.
That's why I have been posting excerpts from what I have so far.

Sorry about that, it's not easy being the most powerful executive in the world!



I am not evil.

State of the Zune!

I was greatly distressed to see so many of you considering leaving the Zune for a $199 iPhomb!
People, people, people!
I came to remind you that the Zune is much more than the sum of it's parts!
The Zune is the way you think, feel, act, it is an expression of the essence of your independent being~!
Shall we falter?
Shall we fail?
When the tides of mediocrity beat against our souls, shall we go with the flow?
I say NOOOOO! No my bruthers! No muh Sistah!
Weeee shall stand! We shall walk! We shall hold our heads high!
When the bustling throng says yeah, we shall say nay!
Be strong!
Be encouraged!
The Zune is here! We shall proclaim it from the rooftops of every hamlet, city, village!

"I am strong! I am a Zuner! I will not be beat down! I shall not change!"

Monkey-Boy Conspiracy Part III - Chair-Chuck'n!

Another part in this whole thing where Microsoft's enemies try to portray me as an out-of-control maniac is the perjured testimony of two disgruntled exemployees, Kai-Fu Lie and Mark Liecovsky. They claimed that when I discovered their backstabbing treachery in leaving MS for other companies:
"Mr. Ballmer said: 'Just tell me it's not Google'. At that point, Mr. Ballmer picked up a chair and threw it across the room hitting a table in his office, then launched into a tirade about Google CEO Eric Schmidt. "I'm going to f***ing bury that guy, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to f***ing kill Google."

Absolutely anyone who knows me knows that this is a total lie for several reasons:
1. I never use any profanity stronger than "dang it, dog-gone, darn and shoot!"
2. I don't even know who the CEO of Gaggle is.
3. I have never thrown a chair, all of the chairs in my office are bolted down, so there!

Let me reiterate #3, every last chair in my office is bolted to the floor! Why? Well that is something I will explain at a later date, but I think all of you are beginning to get the idea, our enemies will go to any lengths to disparage my dog-gone reputation and I am darn tired of it!

Sorry to lose my temper like that.

Crowds Disappointed By 3G iPhumb!

Believe it or not, I was actually in the WWDC crowd as Steve (the magician) Jobs unveiled the iPhume 2.0. I was in cognito, my disguise was fool proof (that's what you need for this bunch).
When Jabs was done with his presentation I could hear the iTards around me groaning in disgust! (I was in heaven). They were complaining:
"Where's the god-mode dude!"
"I expected full interactive parallel sytemp carryover interleaving dude!"
"3G is over dude, I wanted 4G maaanh!
"What about video conferencing dude!"
"Bummer! Dude I wanted mo!"

Apple stock closed more than $2 down!

Just wait until I bring out the ZunePhone Halographic later this year, this crap will be toast!

I'm going to one of these suite parties tonight to celebrate, then back to Redmond before anyone recognizes me.

iPhone 3G? - No problem, dude!

Monkey-Boy Conspiracy Part II - Developers!

This whole Monkey-boy conspiracy thing includes yet another FAKE film, I call it the "Developers, Developers". This my friends simply never happened! This film is not as grainy as the others and was obviously created by some other group than the other two films where they show me jumping, screaming, eating dirt, and generally losing my mind. This one had a higher budget, we suspect it had corporate backing (aapl). The actor in this one looks a lot like me, (Peter Boyle called me once and said it was him, he apologized, he said at the time he was being blackmailed so he did it). If that is not good enough, there is one dead give away: THE SWEAT! You see I do not sweat, I was born with a rare condition called Anhidrosis Glandofelimumia, I cannot sweat. I take medication weekly and always stay in cool environments. If I got hot like this guy I wouldn't sweat, I would swell up like a water balloon. The conspirators did not know this little known fact about me.
Spread the word, get the truth out, that's why I blog!

Google Losing Focus! - Thank God!

Before I left Washington I went to a press luncheon, I just wanted to eat, they just wanted something to report.
So between the poached Salmon and the Streuseled Sweet Potato Casserole, I decided to drop them a few nuggets about this huge mess they call Google:

"You've got to be in the search game to be in the advertising game...They reinforce each other," I said.
"Google confuses me, I don't know what Google's angle is because it sometimes looks like Google wants to become a telecommunications company. And yet that may not be right. But that recent thing where they went in with Sprint and the WiMax guys is very confusing to me. I think its very confusing to a number of telecommunications companies as well," I was eating the braised duck, they were eating my every word.

"This Android thing is classic. They say they are going to open-source it. Guys who make handsets and phone companies say, 'What's the catch? Why are they going to give us something for nothing?' There may be no catch. But most of telephone operators I talk to say, 'We're nervous.' That's the problem with open-source, nobody in the REAL world trust somebody giving away something! ... and indeed you shouldn't!" I said. "Where does it all fit? Will Google put its toe in and pull back?"

By that time the Streuseled Sweet Potato Casserole arrived, hmmmmm.

I motioned for them all to shut-up or go away and proclaimed,
"Nothing else to say people, this desert is calling, I'm gonna' answer!"

One guy from the Atlanta Journal and Institution wanted me to keep talking, he was jabbering something about Yahoo. He was a pest! I pointed at him, my BlackWater guys "escorted" him outside.

NEVER let anyone ruin your Streuseled Sweet Potato Casserole!

Here's the recipe.

Monkey-Boy Conspiracy Part I - Screamer!

This is one of those stupid internet pranks that I have been fighting for years now. For a while there I said "Oh forget it!"
I thought that the idiots would just give it up and people would eventually realize that this whole thing was a not so elaborate hoax. Anybody with a few hundred dollars could have produced this phoney video, I can prove it!
The guys at our media labs have gone over this video and issued a report, the results are eye opening!
1>> Grainiess: The film was run thru a grain filter then blurred by 33%! Why so that the person in it only vaugely resembles me!
2>> Stage: The two Monkeyboy videos were apparently filmed on a small stage in a tripple car garage.
3>> Shadows: Shadow analysis shows that lighting was only about 20' away, not stadium distance.
4>> ... there is more a lot more!

These fake videos have been a source of consternation for myself and family for some years now, any person truly interested in spreading the truth can identify with my pain.

Ten More Years! Ten More Years! Ten More Years!

So I was in Washington again, speaking to some guys in black suits, red ties, shiny shoes and bad breath.
I can't remember who these people were or why I was there, it doesn't really matter anyways. I trust nobody in Washington! Politicians are here today gone tomorrow, they buckle when any pressure is applied (unless sufficiently donated to).
I wanted to make it clear to them however that I'm not like them, I'm gonna' be around for a while. I'm not a "lame-duck" just because Bill is going bye bye. So I announced:

"I will preside over Microsoft for another nine or 10 years ... until my last kid goes away to college. All of those moroms out there calling for my resignation because of the Vista-thing, the Yahoo-thing, the crappy-stock-thing, the xBox-thing, yadda yadda yadda - well you people can just eat my stained shorts! I'm gonna save Microsoft, kill XP, make you people buy Vista and crush my competitors!"
... the audience gasped!
OOPS! I forgot where I was for a moment there, these are politicians!

"I didn't mean the crushing competitors thing like that! I mean we will just out innovate them! None of that monopoly stuff for me! Noooo sir!

They applauded and started to chant, "Ten More Years! Ten More Years! Ten More Years! ..."

My people dispensed the customary payoffs and that was that.

Jr. Having a Little Fun With an iPhone ....

Clouds on the Horizon!

Most of you have certainly heard or read about the world-changing speech I gave a few months ago at the MS Partner Conference! I said:
"We are in the process today of building out a services platform in the cloud,"
Yes, we have seen a future, a bright future where you no longer have to buy software, you rent it. You won't have to worry about illegal software, media, music etc... being on your PC, we will remove it for you. You won't have to worry about backing-up your personal documents, we will keep them for you in our cloud! Why bother with these things when we can do it all for you? The future is coming, and the key word we see for it is "conformity", Software as a service, constant monitorting, security assured. We will talk more in the next few months after we have acqiured Yahoo, I know you are all as exicited about this new direction as I am.

Watch my speech here: https://partner.microsoft.com/40044112

90% of the Population Can't be Wrong!

I was in my Architect's office the other day when I overheard a conversation between an engineer and the office copy-boy:
CB - "Chuck, did you see the video of the new software from Apple, it really rocks!"
Chuck - "Nah, I'm not interested in any of that crap!"
CB - "but, but, but it makes this stuff we use here look primitive ..."
Chuck - "Look CB, you have to face reality, it's a Microsoft world out there! How can sooo many people be wrong? The majority uses Windows because it is the best, anything else can only cause problems! 90% of the population can't be wrong!"
CB - "So you believe that the majority is always right?"
Chuck - "Ofcourse they are, it's obvious, don't be such a snobby spaz man!"

Don't be a weirdo like the copy-boy! All of your friends use Windows, you should too. Haven't you noticed that the Mac-guys are always the drooling goofballs with high-water pants, plaid or floewery shirts and zits. For you and your children's sake don't let this continue! Make your kids and employees use Vista whether they like it or not!

Apple says, "Think Different"; Yeah right, people tease and point at "different"!

. . . . . Because I Care!

No More Dead-Tree Publishing!

I wanted to make headlines again to get all of the Ballmer-bot out of the news, so I arranged an "interview" with the Washington Post and I told them:

"In the next 10 years, the whole world of media, communications and advertising are going to be turned upside down -- my opinion.

Here are the premises I have. Number one, there will be no media consumption left in 10 years that is not delivered over an IP network. There will be no newspapers, no magazines that are delivered in paper form. Everything gets delivered in an electronic form.

10 years?

Yeah. If it's 14 or if it's 8, it's immaterial to my fundamental point. . . . If we want TV to be more interactive, you'll deliver it over an IP network. I mean, it's sort of funny today. My son will stay up all night basically playing Xbox Live with friends that are in various parts of the world, and yet I can't sit there in front of the TV and have the same kind of a social interaction around my favorite basketball game or golf match. It's just because one of these things is delivered over an IP network and the other is not. . . ."

The main thing is that by that time almost everyone will have a ZunePad!

More details on the ZunePad later, I just wanted to tease you!

Ballmer Up! Jobs Down ....

This has not been a good year for the fake-wannabe-copyboy-Dan-Frobes Hack, aka: Fake Steve Jobs. Just as I had predicted last year when his identity was dreged up from the swamps of mediocrity, he has lost his edge! I suspect that those 6 - 11 post per day on his blog are actually being done by several Frobes staffers, ad-men, lawyers and jr. editors.
I have no idea who has been doing his (almost non-existent) "art", but it (the whole ad-laden site) looks pretty lame and amateurish. Not that I feel sorry for this fake of a fake fake journalist. Good blogging is no accident! His site looks and reads like a pretty bad one with fatalities and flames!

I do owe one thing to him: the idea of doing a fake blog of me pretending to not be who I am not trying to not be pretending not to be. Other than that I advise the public to simply look away, it's not a pretty sight!


I am not evil.

The Ballmer-bot Revealed!

Bill brought a tiny little robot out on stage at Tech-Ed, he and his hand picked yes-man idiots called it the Ballmer-bot:

Ballmer-bot: Developers, developers, developers, developers, developers, developers; developers, developers, developers, developers, developers, developers, developers.
Bill Gates: Good; we’ve got the Ballmer-bot pretty excited here. It’s an amazing-looking robot. It’s just balancing itself, and fantastic.
Patrick Deegan: Yeah, what you see here is the latest in robotics technology. The Ballmer-bot features a dynamically stable mobile base, a rotating torso and two dexterous arms. This makes it so that it’s even able to throw eggs.
Bill Gates: Goodbye Ballmer-bot, tat tat
Ballmer-bot: Developers, developers, developers, developers, developers,

---

THE TRUTH:
Bill is leaving just in time! He has lost his freaking mind!
This ugly little robot was proclaimed to be wireless and to run off MS Robotics software, but when it came out there was a NtN (Nasal-toned Nerd) behind it with a controller with a wire plugged into the thing!
Thank goodness I was not there, I would have thrown this piece of crap at one of his yes-men!

Sheesh! Yes I am with Microsoft, but I am not this stupid people!

Wozniak Wants a Job!

This Wozniak guy is still trying to get a job working for me, I kinda feel sorry for the guy - NOT! He used to be a big shot at crapple, but now he is just a bloated shell of his former glory. Serves him right though, he did help develop the Mac and some more of those other toy-looking wanna-be computers. Woz, I will hire you! I need a new caddy/footstool/back-scratcher/fetch-n-tote-boy. Call me, ask Steve for my private number .... oops I forgot he doesn't return your messages, sorry about that, I'm paying minimum wage too.

One For the Ladies Out There!

I took a few pictures on Bill's desk too, this is the first time they have been seen in public. Drool away ladies, just remember I'm spoken for. Sorry Toki, Torri, Melinda, .....

Fake Steve Dan Jobs Lyons - Forbes Hack!

The fall has apparently leveled off over at the Copy-boy itard Lie-ons fake Frobes Steve Jobs Danny-boy lame-brain website.
This dispite the fact that the edge is gone, wake up people! Your fake is a fake of a fake for goodness sake. I have heard that the lawyers and editors have given him a loooong list of don't-mentions, a few being:

1. Don't critisize Forbes or any Forbes employees
2. Do not use words that Pat Robertson would find objectionable.
3. Do not directly critisize MS products (since we pay the bills)
4. Jump on Sun, pretend they are the new danger to Apple.
5. Tone down the pet-names.
6. Be politically correct!
7. Edit/monitor of comments is the responsibility of the FSJCComitte.
8. Deny that all of the above rules are true while adhering to them.
You die hards are living in the past, this guy is a has been, yesterday's news, he is about as in style as one of those smelley old turtle-necks Jobs wears.

This web site is the future of fabulous tech Blogging, with a growth rate of 5200% over the past 3 months and accelerating.

(reaching through the screen and comforting my readers)
... there, there ... (pats you on back)
just let it alll out, it's gonna be ok.
He was no good for you anyway ... yes, yes, ..... evething's OK now ...

**Sigh**
Now dosen't that fell better?
Let the healing begin. Delete FSJ's bookmark, make this your homepage.
..... good, good .... everything is fine now.

Windows Seven the Video!

Let's see an iPhone do that!

I Knew Didley!

June 2, 2008. We lost one of my musical mentors, the one, the only: Ellas Otha Bates, known to the world as Bo Diddley. I will remember you Bo, you were The Man! Have a good trip to Rock'n'Roll Heaven!

The Hungarian Egg Throw'n Game!

The investigation continues into this conspiracy. More of my PI Jack Stone's report is soon to come on this blog exclusively.

Those sheep-scented. funny-talking, checker-pants-wearing Hungs will pay!

Safari WARNING!

The greatest threat that there is to your XP/Vista PC is the presence of Apple's Safari Browser!

---

Microsoft Security Advisory (953818)
Blended Threat from Combined Attack Using Apple’s Safari on the Windows Platform
Published: May 30, 2008
Microsoft is investigating new public reports of a blended threat that allows remote code execution on all supported versions of Windows XP and Windows Vista when Apple’s Safari for Windows has been installed. Safari is not installed with Windows XP or Windows Vista by default; it must be installed independently or through the Apple Software Update application. Customers running Safari on Windows should review this advisory.
At the present time, Microsoft is unaware of any attacks attempting to exploit this blended threat. Upon completion of this investigation, Microsoft will take the appropriate measures to protect our customers. This may include providing a solution through a service pack, the monthly update process, or an out-of-cycle security update, depending on customers needs.

---

THE TRUTH:
Only readers of this blog will get the real story, many of you may have already guessed it.
By blended threat what we mean is that there is actually a security hole in Windows which Safari can be used to access. Well, any app which can access the internet can access the vulnerability, but Safari can too, so it's guilty!
Too many people were starting to use Safari anyway and I didn't like it!



I am not evil

I Apologize, But I have to do this:

I hate politics! I swear that after Hellary is defeated I will stop it! But, I just have to put some of this stuff up!
Hellary and her racist army will absolutely insure that the old guy becomes our next president!and finally, a man who earns his name: Ickies!Again, I apologize for posting this stuff, but after all this is my diary, I post whatever is on my mind even if it is about a sick, demented, racist, hate-mongering, assassination-mentioning, cheating, delusional, low-life scummy politician! Maybe this will purge my brain.

I have to go throw-up now.