To Live.com is to Love!

I announced to the press and everybody that we were doing a major overhaul to Live.com. I had to tell them that because they kept asking what we were doing, (Dang journalist!).
Usually when I say stuff like this I know that the BIT (Ballmer Implementation Team) will quickly do something to cover me. In this case the new BIT leader, RAJivhe, did a masterful job! He monitors my every word whenever I speak in public, he changed the backdrop photo on the Live.com Homepage, moved some menus, changed a few terms and brightened the colors. He then sent out press packets announcing the NEW Live.com "Your Web, Your Way!" The whole thing has been heralded by pundits, analyst, journalist, designers, all over the net as a major breakthrough!

I called RaJivhe to my office to reward him for his exemplary quick work, I said to him,
"What do you want? Just name it and you shall have it!"
He bowed in obesience to me (I like that) and chanted,
"Oh you Eminence, to serve a master such as thee is great reward, but there is one thing you servant would dare ask ..."
... As he kissed my feet I proclaimed, "dare to ask of me RAJivhe, it shall be yours!"
He looked at me and serenely said,
"In two weeks I wish to sacrifice a two camels in the main office atrium, it is for the feast of Rabgalalab, a sweet smelling burnt offering for Pahsto - he who dwells between the golden goats!"

I paused, waved my arms about and chanted, "So shall it be! Just get with HR and house-cleaning to schedule a time."

RAJivhe bowed over and over as he backed out of my office door.

LESSON:
Never promise, "anything you want" two weeks before the feast of Rabgalalab. But if you do, keep your word and see to it that fire extinguishers are on hand.

Mojave! - It's all in your mind!

I loved this, we "Folgers Switched" Vista haters and they loved it!

... Please don't investigate and of these people, trust us, the experiment was mostly on the up and up!

The Microsoft Sphere Surface Computer!

It was inspired by that scene from the Wizard of Oz! I was watching it last year and said, "why can't we make one of those?" So I called the Iranian scientists on level -53 and tasked them with making one. The results are astounding, see the video:

Coming soon!

MPAA's Making Priates Walk The Plank!

The MPAA has filed law suits against two websites that claim to be legitimate but are actually portals which link those of you who steal, pilfer, lift, "borrow", rob, copyrighted works! These movieTards for some reason actually argue that the dissemination of stolen materials is not a crime because they are not the original thieves!
The websites: " fomd.com, known as "Free Online Movie DataBase," and movierumor.com, post, organize, search for, identify, collect and index links to infringing material that is available on third-party websites."
Theft is something we at Microsoft tollerate in no way, shape or form! That's why I have instructed our engineers to ramp up DRM in Vista no matter what it takes to run it!
The coregeous men and women of the MPAA are to be congratulated for standing up to all of the "I want it for free" people out there!

PEOPLE! PAY YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE!

hmmm, that would make a good slogan for our media department.



I am not evil, you thieves are!

The Process!

Reminds me of some of our wonderful "User Interface Operability Focus Groups". I realize that this video makes fun of it but the truth is that you can never have too much input! I mean, look at what we did with Vista! It rocks!

iPhone Still Toxic!

The iPhone 3G is still on GreenPeace's TOXIC list!
The list of deadly and sickening chemicals still in the iPhone causes one to wonder, "just what in the world are these people trying to do?"
Mind you, I am not personally trying to accuse Apple of trying to kill you and your children, I am just you average concerned citizen with enough sense to read when an organization as reputable as GreenPeace warns me of a deadly hazard in my pocket!
I'd assumed that Apple had cleaned up it's act after GP had warned the public about the iPhone 1. But, that is apparently not the case, now these things emit even more RADIATION using this 3G stuff than ever before!

Wear foil over you ear people! Wash your hands after touching one of these things!

The best advice I could possibly give you all though is, "Wait for the ZunePhone!"



This post is written as a public service.

From WPC Conference! WATCH THESE!

When I Met the Dali Lama

All of this China stuff in the news reminds me of back in October when I met the Dali:
The most Enlightened and Spiritual Dali Lama stopped by the Redmond Campus just before going on to Seattle.
I headed the delegation to welcome his Lamaness to our most unworthy dwellings. I have to tell you that I was impressed by this little guy, he didn't even ask for money! He and his delegation of guys in wool sheets just kinda sauntered into the lobby and started waving those incense things all around. I wasn't sure how to approach him so I got down on my knees and crawled over to him. He just serenely said to me, "arise my humble son". Unfortunately, as I was arising, my cuff link got all tangled up in the raggedy edge of his red wool sheet and I hadn't noticed. So when I stood the edge of the sheet came up with me!
It was a little embarrassing, just let me say that the high and lofty enlightened one does not have anything on under the wool sheet and raggedy wool doesn't unravel easily. Fortunately TOG (that other guy) was crawling behind me and whipped out a Swiss Army knife, he gave it to me and I cut the wool off.
The other red sheeted guys then did some kinda dance in circles around us, while His Lamaness and I just stood there and smiled at each other (if I didn't know better I would think he was holding back from laughing). After a few minutes they all just kinda floated back out to their limousines.
As they drove off he waved to me and said "Namaste my humble son", I couldn't think of anything else at the moment so I did that Vulcan hand thing at him and said "live long and prosper". He covered his mouth, rolled up the tinted windows and drove off.

It was quite an experience! The lobby still smells like burnt Azaleas.

The Blogging CEO! - NBC Reports!

I was watching the evening news, well not watching, I just had it on for background noise. When I heard the newsbabe say,
"CEO's Blogging, - Experts Say it's good for business!"
They went on to talk about CEO's blogging and it's effect of making the company seem more accessible to the masses. I respectfully must disagree with that assertion. When I bounced the idea of writing an "official" Blog, HR, Bill, the board of directors. legal, .... all wanted, insisted on editing, proofing, sterilizing it! After just one post I could barely recognize my own writing!
The Answer:
Well you are reading it: A Fake Blog!
I can write whatever I really think here and nobody at MS even believes it is me pretending to be me pretending to not be me pretending to be me not being me!

The Man-Pink Zune Leads The Way!

Microsoft is blazing the way here, pink is seen as gay, weak, sissy, ....etc.
But they are all wrong! When I was a kid I had to hide my love of pink, but we have realised that it is just another color, pink is good! Powerful! SEXY! So we introduced the ManPinK Zune. Let's take pink back guys!
Think about it, some of my favorite things are the same color as this Zune!
How can that be bad? Unmanly?
Oh yeah!

Balm! - So Far Away From Home

Being Like Apple, While Being Better Than Apple!

From e-mail that I sent to employees this afternoon, following the announcement that Platforms & Services chief Kevin Johnson is leaving the company:

"... Apple: In the competition between PCs and Macs, we outsell Apple 30-to-1. But there is no doubt that Apple is thriving. Why? Because they are good at providing an experience that is narrow but complete, while our commitment to choice often comes with some compromises to the end-to-end experience. Today, we're changing the way we work with hardware vendors to ensure that we can provide complete experiences with absolutely no compromises. We'll do the same with phones--providing choice as we work to create great end-to-end experiences....

Looking ahead, I see an incredibly bright future for our company. As I said at the June 27th Town Hall for Bill, we are the best in the world at doing software and nobody should be confused about this. It doesn't mean that we can't improve, but nobody is better than we are. Nobody works harder than we do. Nobody is more tenacious than we are. We're investing more broadly and more seriously than anybody else. Our opportunities to change the world have never been greater.

I look forward to working with all of you as we focus on our five priorities in FY09."

Top Ten Reasons Phishing is on the Rise!

I proposed to my congressmen that phishing be a death penalty offense!

They haven't called back.

I've Been Icahn'd!

Carl Icahn played me, Yahoo, the SEC and Yang like an old worn fiddle! He has finagled a deal which puts him on the Yahoo board of directors and two more of his hand picked lackeys! WOW! I never even saw it coming!
This guy is soooo slick that he had me believing that he would deliver Yahoo into my lap at half the price I'd agreed to earlier. He also had Yang believing that he would overturn the entire board of directors.
By the time he was through he had Yang begging him to join the board! I can see quite clearly now that the entire thing was a masterful rouse, a low down manipulating plan to grab as much power as he could! In his acceptance speech he as much as admitted it! This was just dirty pool Carl, all I have to say is, "GOOD JOB!"
I love it when a well orchestrated plan comes together and works flawlessly! I only wish that I had not underestimated this guy! On one level I'm boiling mad! But, on another I'm in awe!

I haven't seen such great work since I became CEO of Microsoft!

Carl, You da man! But, I'm gonna' nail your butt to the wall son!

I Am Not Evil!

I have been on my "I am not Evil" campaign thing for several months now and it is beginning to take hold!
You see, Google used their slogan, "Don't be Evil!" for so long that it's become part of the cultural lexicon. Of course everyone knows that they were talking about Microsoft in general and me in particular. So in order to fight back I occasionally dress up as (or image edit with Paint '09) a famous villain to demonstrate how ridiculous their contention is, for you see "I am not Evil".

Follow Your Instinct!

Sprint or whoever has released the perfect smart phone! It's based on Windows Mobile and is beautiful to behold!
There is nothing else anything like it! The Instinct!

The ZunePhone has suffered a few setbacks so this will have to do until we work out the bugs. Buy it! Don't be decieved by that imitation iPhumb.

Final Fantasy For The Zune!

The Zune forums knew about this before anyone else, but we are working with 3rd parties to bring Final Fantasy XIII to the Zune!
This will by an order of magnitude be the most sophisticated game on any portable device! It could only possibly be done on the Zune!I have personally even run the alpha on my ZunePhone Halographic and it was an experience like you cannot even imagine! It will be at least a year before you guys will be able to get your hands on a ZunePhone, but the game will run on current Zunes today!
If you want to be a beta tester in a few months you must join one of the Zune Forums. Only members in good standing of one of these forums will qualify:
Zunescene, ZuneBoards, ZuneMax Zunited, Zunely, ZuneUG, GotZune, ZuneInfo, ZuneThoughts, ZuneOne, Zune-Online and Dark Zune.

Note, the zunerama forum has been excommunicated for heresy, avoid it.


I am not evil

... As I was Passing the Times Square AT&T Store!

This Guy is Totally NUTS!

Who out there is falling for this total scam? Don't you realize that Al Gore flies around in a Jet? He burns more fossil fuels in one day than everyone on your entire block will in two years. I guess he says it's OK because he invented the Internet and has discovered that half the north pole has vanished and the polar bears have all drowned! He claims that he personally closed the ozone hole!

PEOPLE! PEOPLE! PEOPLE!

This is sad! It only gets worse when you realise how many people believe this carbon credit selling hot air powered con-man!
.... and just to put icing on this half baked cake: He is on the Apple board of directors!

Can I say one good thing about this pollution powered pimp? Well, yes:
"He's not Hellary!"

The Dvorak Conspiracy! - Rebuffed Again!

I don't know where all of this crazy "Dvorak/MS/Ballmer" Conspiracy stuff came from, but I think it was started by Fake Fake of a Fake Steve Dan Copy-boy Jobs Lie-ons on Sept 30 when he wrote:

"Totally Wrong! ..... They'll probably even hire Dvorak to write a fake Ballmer blog to bash my blog. Whatevs. We'll survive."

Then on Oct 5 there was this drivel:

"Dvorak: Dysfunctional Microsoft culture drives away creative types
See here. And yeah I know what you're thinking because I'm thinking it too. Dvorak said that? Is this the same Dvorak? The guy ghostwrites Ballmer's blog? We're looking into it."

I was wondering why so many of you comment posters have been calling me John Dvorak.
While I believe John is a wonderful, smart, gutsy, handsome, intelligent, snazzy dresser, great writer, and a humorous guy with a great personality and a winning smile, I must reluctantly admit that I am not John Dvorak not pretending to not be me!

Any similarities between the subject matter and timing of our subject matter is totally coincidental (although he does read this blog daily for inspiration, who doesn't?). ie;
Dvorak wrote: "Microsoft pulls the cord on Bungie Software" on Oct 5, but I wrote: "Bungie Cord Cut" at almost the exact same time. They are two separate articles with totally different tacts (the only similarity was that only I and Dvorak KNEW that the Bangee split was not amiable as everyone else thought it was). Like I said he's a smart guy, he reads this blog (apparently Copy-boy does too).

E3 - Games, Media, Entertainment! WOW!

Nintendo, Slowney, .... beware! The xBox rocks!

Surf'n The Cool Wave!

Microsoft Worldwide Partner Conference 2008

GEOFF COLVIN: You've had the media training, I see. But, look, here's a question there's a lot of concern over. Here's a question, to this person forgive me if I don't pronounce your name properly, I'm doing my best, but it's (Lota Van Lidiyoida ?) from Cap Gemini in The Netherlands, and the question is, how does Microsoft plan to face the, "you're not so cool anymore" attitude in the world toward Microsoft? It feels like you've been ignoring it for too long, Apple and Google are not cooler, they are just riding the wave of coolness better at the moment. So surf's up Microsoft, are you going to take the challenge? (Applause.)
STEVE BALLMER: Bring it on, I say. This is not an unknown there would be people who talk about the topic in the question all the time. And the truth of the matter is, there are sort of three different phenomena going on. People who are new, or companies that are new, or reborn, because the two you talked about I'd say one was dead, and sort of came back to life, and who knows where they go next, and the other is kind of new, they are more newsworthy.
The way we be newsworthy, if we're successful, in and out, every day, all the time for the next 10, 20, 30 years, we're not going to make it on, hey they're brand new, we've never seen them before. We're going to have to surprise people. And I think we will. I think we'll surprise people with the quality of new PCs people see, where we've worked really hard with Vista, and people say, wow, these things are actually lighter, they actually have better battery life, they're cheaper, they're more affordable, they're more flexible, they come in more sizes, wow, that's cool.
I think you'll find people, as we get to our next generation of Windows Mobile devices, people will stop and say, not everybody gets by well without a keyboard. I don't know about the rest of you, I actually find it easier to have one when I'm typing a piece of e-mail. So what we need to do is have products that surprise people, that delight people, and particularly on the consumer side.
To this audience I think it's probably pretty fair for me to say, we're really kicking it out, doing very well with our enterprise customers. We're surprising them, the products are good, we haven't surprised people quite as much as we need to, to surf the cool wave. But, man, you take a look at where Vista is going, you take a look at Windows Mobile, and watch us watch this space for news on search.

Zune 2 gaining traction!

All of the Zune's critics are silent in the face of our new software and models!
Nobody has anything that comes even remotely close to the "Squircle". If Apple tries to copy this we will sue the living daylights out of them and cancel Office '08 completely!
See all of the details at ZuneScene!
Tell 'em Steve sent 'cha!

The Iranian Connection!

Let me first say that we here at Microsoft do not condone many of the policies and statements made by President Mahmoud Ahmadinejobs. The staff and management of MS in no way whatsoever endorses his tyranical, intollerant, anti-Semitic, xenophobic, sexist, anti-western, all infidels shall die teachings.
BUT, the guy can't be all bad, I mean he's a total windows '95 (that's the latest version they have there) devotee!
We found this out when certain Iranian representatives of MS-al-ra-himbah-boo met with him in Tehran several years ago at the Death-to-America Power Users Conference '02. I confirmed this during my trip to DTAPUC a few months ago.***
You see in 1996 the People's Islamic Counsel of Iran declared all Western Operating systems beyond DOS-Farsi to be unholy, but once President Ahmadinejobs came into power in 2005 he saw the need to upgrade and declared Windows 95 to be Islamic. We have ever since been shipping specialized Farsi '95 service packs to Iran.
We are sending another delegation of MS-Imams to meet with him to make the argument that the Blessed One (blessings be upon his name) would today be using Windows 2000 Holy Edition.

While we don't care much for President Mahmoud Ahmadinejobs, he does have a lot of money and that's just fine by us.
Asa lam-ahlakhem



***Death To America Power User Conference '08!
Leaving Tehran DTAPUC '08 a Changed Man

A little More From E3 Convention!

I wish all of you people could be here at E3, I keynote tomorrow, believe me you don't want to miss it!

We have been busy announcing hardware upgrades, new games, coming games, new protocols, video drivers, movies and tv shows on x Box! But, nothing moved the crowd like my announcement that we will be bringing GEEKWAD - Games of the Galaxy Back!
Geekwad has been out of production since DOS, but many of you as well as I remember it fondly.
GeekWad 2008!

E3 and the xBox 480!

I can't tell even you guys everything that's going on with the xBox 480, all I can say is keep your eyes on the E3 gamers convention!

For now a little redux: an old video Bill and I did back in 2005 to introduce the xBox 360, I was sooooo cool:

Yahooooooo! - gloat:

Well the cat's out of the bag!
I have been in secret negotiations with Carl Ichan and his gang of seven since before Yahoo dumped us!
People! You always have a back-up plan! Yahoo is all but mine! Come the next board meeting the old board (what's left of them) will be ignobly ousted and me and Carl's people will be installed! I told him:

"Every last one of those freak'n yayhoos who tried to embarrass me must go or no deal! Especially Jerry Yang! When it comes time for the vote on him I want for you to personally hand me the microphone, I have a few choice words for that boy!"

For those of you out there who doubted me, lambasted me, criticised me, lampooned me and called me that d@%% Monkey-boy! I say to you, "I forgive you! But I will never forget!"

Those who still dare oppose me can eat my stained shorts!
(I think this bunch may like that though, so I'll leave a little something extra in them, ewe!)

vnunet.com
MarketWatch
Seallte Times
PCWorld


I am not evil

There Can Be Only ONE!

I'm a huge Highlander fan! So much so that in private I dress in Duncan McCloud garb and cut the heads off of manikins in my gymnasium once in a while. But yesterday I decided to celebrate the demise of Fake Steve Jobs by regaling the Microsoft faithful with the full splendor of my outfit! They loved it!

There can be only ONE!

I admit that FSJ was as worthy a foe as there is in the Fake-Blogsphere, but his prowess obviously fell far below my talents. He (Dan Lie-ons) was smart to get out while he could! He was simply beginning to stink up the entire Internet with his hack style and utterly unimaginative prose!

There can be only ONE!

Believe it or not, I am only getting warmed up!
All serious competition has been eliminated and FSB reigns!

There can be, and is, only ONE!
The adventure is only beginning people!

Fake Steve Jobs (Dan Lyons) Throws in the Towel!

I told you people that this would happen, this iTard has been busted! (I'm just surprised how long it took)
I will be gracious though, he was slightly entertaining, but it's over now.
FSJ is DEAD! The talent-free Dan Lyons just could not keep up with this site!
Who do you look to now? Where is the mystery? The wit? The sharp biting concise commentary? Where? Where?
Hmmmm, how about right here, I promise I will NEVER leave you! Besides I tell the truth.
Mourn FSJ if you must, just not too long, we have work to do!

Forbes is pulling the plug on his sick little blog! The fall has apparently accelerated over at the Copy-boy itard Lie-ons fake Frobes Steve Jobs Danny-boy lame-brain website.
Tthe fact is that the edge is gone, wake up people! Your fake was a fake of a fake for goodness sake. I have heard that the lawyers and editors gave him a loooong list of don't-mentions, a few being:

1. Don't critisize Forbes or any Forbes employees
2. Do not use words that Pat Robertson would find objectionable.
3. Do not directly critisize MS products (since we pay the bills)
4. Jump on Sun, pretend they are the new danger to Apple.
5. Tone down the pet-names.
6. Be politically correct!
7. Edit/monitor of comments is the responsibility of the FSJCComitte.
8. Deny that all of the above rules are true while adhering to them.
You die hards are living in the past, this guy has been a has been ever since the very first day that I launched this blog! He is yesterday's news, he is about as in style as one of those smelley old turtle-necks Jobs wears.

This web site is the future of fabulous tech Blogging, with a growth rate of 5200% over the past 3 months and accelerating.

(reaching through the screen and comforting my readers)
... there, there ... (pats you on back)
just let it alll out, it's gonna be ok.
He was no good for you anyway ... yes, yes, ..... evething's OK now ...

**Sigh**
Now dosen't that fell better?
Let the healing begin. Delete FSJ's bookmark, make this your homepage.
..... good, good .... everything is fine now.

New Vista Version To The Rescue! - Soon

I told the marketing folk long ago that Vista needed to have five versions not four (people love choice)! But, being the easy-going, no-waves guy I am I let it slide, I let the "experts" have their way.
RESULTS:
Anemic, sluggish, weak, poohpooh sales!
I will no longer sit by and let this continue! Per my executive order 31148V.101 we will add to the Vista line-up - "Vista 2X Super Ultra Turbo-Ultimate". SUTU (as I call it) will include 33% of all of the modern architecture features that we originally promised for Longhorn 4 years ago but dropped from the final version.

"Vista 2X Super Ultra Turbo-Ultimate" SUTU includes:

Dynamic Core Desktop Acceleration - DCDA
LiveTime Animotron Technology - LtAM
Windows Interscope Code Manager - WICM
The zLife Suite of applications:
StudioBand - Record up to 4 tracks of WMA music.
zPicture - Your JPGx photo manager
zWeb - Create Beautiful text webpages
zMelodies - A new skin for Mediaplayer making it a zApp
zFilm - Video editing for any WMV file

All of this Tech-goodness for just $699!
..... and it comes in a RED box.

Contriversial FUNNY Picture!

NO! It's not violence! It's funny! The gun is a toy with a red tip! I am not encouraging violence against Mac users! (I've tried, it only makes them worse).


I am not evil

I just Liked This Too!

Stride Gum sends this guy all over the world to dance! I want him in the Microsoft Lobby!

New Strategy! - Attack Apple! FREE THE PEOPLE!

My new "Attack-Boy" Brad Brooks (Microsoft's VP of Windows Vista consumer marketing) has announced a new offensive against Apple and their "get a Mac" ad campaign, at our latest conference he has said:

"We broke a lot of things. We know that, and we know it caused you a lot of pain. It got customers thinking, hey, is Windows Vista a generation we want to get invested in? Microsoft is ready to admit mistakes and reposition itself to tell a better story about Windows Vista, to counter attacks by rival Apple and let customers know that Vista is finally stable and ready!
You thought the sleeping giant was still sleeping, well we woke it up and it's time to take our message forward. We've faced these challenges before, and we're going to solve them again. There's a conversation going on in the marketplace today and it's just plain awful. We've got to get back on the front foot.
We've got a pretty noisy competitor out there, The 'I'm a Mac... and I'm a PC,' commercials criticize Windows Vista. (crowd boos) You know it. I know it. It's caused some impact. We're going to start countering it. (crowd aplauds) They tell us it's the iWay or the highway. We think that's a sad message. Software out there is made to be compatible with your whole life."
He then started a chant, our new slogan: "FREE THE PEOPLE! FREE THE PEOPLE! FREE THE PEOPLE! FREE THE PEOPLE!"

I like this kid, he kinda' reminds me of somebody.

I may have to fire him.

Bouncy Balls Prank From '82 - Revenge is SWEET!

Back in the early '80's, Microsoft was a pretty crazy place to work. I tried to fit in with all of the strange characters roaming the halls, but the more I tried, the worse they would treat me. It came to a head when one April fools day they filled my office with some of those larger sized superballs. I laughed like I was amused, but in my heart I vowed revenge against every last one of them!
At that time I didn't have the power get get the justice I soooo richly deserved for the years of torment I endured at the hands of these uber-nerds. But through the years I have gotten rid of them all one by one. The last one was yesterday, I arranged for him to have a "conflict of interest", had him escorted off the campus in plain view of every one!

Thanks to a commenter, Yert, I remembered who the last remaining perpetrator was and have taken my pound of flesh!
Thanks for the help Yert!

Bouncy Balls indeed!

I'm Not Steve Ballmer Pretending Not To Be Me!

My critics (I have a few) have attacked me for using Google! My answer:
I am not using Google, I am USING Google! Hahahaha serves 'em right.
In the next few months I will set all of this crap straight, especially the Google and Apple crap!
For all of those who are trying to figure out who I am, I admit it:
I am not just another fake Steve, they are a dime a dozen. I am not me pretending to be Steve Ballmer. I am not Steve Ballmer pretending to not be me. I am me, not me pretending to not be who I am not because I am who I have told you who I am not all along.

I am glad we got that straight!


I am not evil

To The Cloud We Go!

Most of you have certainly heard or read about the world-changing speech I gave at the MS Partner Conference! I said:
"We are in the process today of building out a services platform in the cloud,"
Yes, we have seen a future, a bright future where you no longer have to buy software, you rent it. You won't have to worry about illegal software, media, music etc... being on your PC, we will remove it for you. You won't have to worry about backing-up your personal documents, we will keep them for you in our cloud! Why bother with these things when we can do it all for you? The future is coming, and the key word we see for it is "conformity", Software as a service, constant monitorting, security assured. We will talk more in the next few months, I know you are all as exicited about this new direction as I am.

Watch my speech here: https://partner.microsoft.com/40044112

Ballmer! The Seatle Sonics Last and Best Hope!

The Baltimore Sun writes:
"The only good news is that the NBA has reversed its stance on Key Arena. It now believes a renovated Key will work. Obviously, Stern trusts the business acumen and passion for basketball of Steve Ballmer, who might be the owner of a new Seattle NBA team. Without Ballmer and his group, which includes developer Matt Griffin, there would be no hope. As it is, there's scant hope."
The Sonics are determined to leave Seattle and I say good riddance to that bunch of whiny losers! They were not worthy of the people of this great state and city! Heck, they were not worthy of Key Arena, even with it's roaches, rats, vagrants living under the stands and 20x murder rate!
These self-obsessed pretty-boys who couldn't beat most high school teams want to go to Oklahomo (not misspelled), can and will hit the road. Bye byeeee!

MY PLAN!

First I will exterminate the Arena, give all of it's residents a free bottle of wine and bus tickets to Oklahomo City, then renovate the joint. A few hundred million should do the job.
Next I need a team: I will use the Seattle Storm!
The Storm is a WNBA team, yes women! I will have their uniforms "redesigned" and make numerous other changes.
They will be the first Women's team with their own major stadium! I will be a hero to feminist! A god to men who will love seeing beautiful tall women in skimpy tight swimwear uniforms run, jump, bounce, rebound, from the top of the key! Ou, I like this idea more and more as I talk about it! We will have overflow crowds every game!

Their new name? The Super Sonic Storm!

YEAH BABY

The Hungarian Conspiracy! - Unraveling!

My PI, Jack Stone is unraveling a web of mystery and intrigue that nobody expected!
This is from his latest report:

---

"The incident where a student threw eggs at Mr. Ballmer in Hungary goes far beyond the borders of those yak-eaters! This appears to have been part of a larger plot to overthrow the very government of Hungary, weaken the Euro, destabilize the European union and usher in the fourth Reich! - The investigation continues!"
"Microsoft Facial Enhancement Software has identified the "second-egger" - John Lehr, known as the Geico Caveman!
Lehr, who has been in hiding ever since the HUGE failure of the Caveman Sitcom (Wow, that stunk!) was in his caveman disguise and was for reasons unknown at present a part of this conspiracy to embarrass Mr. Ballmer. Mr. Lehr is also a known member of an extreme faction of the Screen Actors Guild, known as Opus SAG. His whereabouts are unknown. Geico had no comments."

Getting to the truth for hire:
Jack Stone, PI

---

Jack is doing a great job, I will keep you guys in the loop here.
The Hungarian Conspiracy!
Egg Throwing Hungarians!
For those few who haven't seen it:

Yahoo, The Bankers Screwed Up Everything!

When we were negotiating the take over of Yahoo, both sides were represented by their bankers of course! Yahoo used Goldman Sachs and Microsoft used Morgan Stanley. Both were keeping running totals as negotiations went on. Everytime I would say something they would estimate and ring up, estimate and ring up, estimate and ring up.
Our Morgan Stanley guy was using a Vista PC, but the Yahoo was using one of those toy MacBook Air thingys. Every few hours they would compare totals. But one morning my Morgan Stanley guy's PC was crashing and freezing (it happens, no big deal, just force restart). That day the two Banker's numbers were off by 10,000,000,000.

The iTard House!

I'll bet you anything that these people are Mac users!

Steve Ballmer - Vice-President!

Well I did it! I ZunePhoned Barrak Obama and told him that I would be willing to run with him as his Vice-President!
Our conversation went like this:

BARAK: "You are indeed a great American Mr Ballmer, but I didn't know you were a democrat."
BALLMER: "I'm not! But you will be pleased to know that I'm not a Republican either."
BARAK: "Then just what are you Mr. Ballmer?"
BALLMER: "I knew you would ask that, I thought about it for quite a while, I am a proud Vistacrat!"
BARAK: "Ugh, I've never heard of that, just what is that you Vistacrats believe?
BALLMER: "A Vistacrat is a populist! A modernist! A person who believes in the right to choose to buy Vista, whether it be Ultimate, premium, business or home! Vistacrats believe that the majority is always right, how could 90% of this great land's people be wrong? A Vistacrat never goes ..."
Obama interrupted me:
BARAK: "But what about politics, what about taxes?"
BALLMER: "Thanks for asking, Vistacrats believe that all corporations with over 80% market share should be tax-exempt and able to bring in talent from anywhere in the world that they wish, visa-free!"
BARAK: "I disagree with everything you have said, your entire philosophy is tunnel-visioned, paranoid and narcissistic! But why should I have you on my ticket sir?"
BALLMER: "I'M NOT HELLARY!"

There was silence on the line for about thirty seconds .....

BARAK: "Let me get back to you Mr. Ballmer, I will need to consult with some of my advisers! ... and thank you, God bless you, thank you sir, I'll call you back! Thank you sir! Thank you!"

The Steve Ballmer Action Figure!

Everybody else has got an action figure, why don't I?
This always bothered me! Am I the victim of Action Figureism?

Well I'm not one to complain, so I have commissioned a single run of one hundred and one "Steve Ballmer, MS CEO Action Hero" action figures to be made up. I think they are turning out well.

WHAT DO I HAVE DO DO TO GET ONE?
you ask?

Just ask, write a fifty to sixty word essay as to why you should have a Ballmer Action Figure.
Send to Ballmerrules@hotmail.com
I will personally consider your application. (due by 7/12/08)

I'm sure that some of you are doubtful of this offer, but I swear that this offer is every bit as real as I am!
My top few essays will be published on this blog. (Admit it, you want that!)

As my dear sweet mummy used to always say, "Nothing ventured, nothing ventured."

My Flickr Graphics Repository! Open to Public!

Several months ago I started using Flickr as my graphic repository for this website, because it turns out that if I upload graphics to this Google-driven Blooger site that after a few months they seem to lose the the graphics. That really annoyed me! (By the way I'm not using Google, I'm USING Google!)
The repository is full now (200 images), but I have noticed that Flickrites are flocking to it! They truly appreciate my vastly superior graphics design and manipulation skills. Many have been asking what tools I use, well, I'm a Pro! What else would I use?
PAINT '08 and MS Imager, every once in a while I will do some layout in PowerPoint.
The iTards call image manipulation "Photoshoping", I reject that out of hand! At Microsoft offices I have banned the use of Adobley Photoship! I insist that all of our people use only the best of class!

btw: Back when I decided to use Flickr it was because I figured that we would own it and Yahoo by now, I'm just off-schedule a little.

Browse the repository, everything there may be used freely, all I request is attribution. I'll get this Internet thing up to speed yet!

Could ZuneRiots Reignite?

Back in January I covered the worldwide ZuneRiots! People around the globe were demanding their rights, the right to a Zune!
I have recieved reports that some countries are beginning to worry that the movement may re-erupt, let's hope not! I pledge now that I am the ultimate CEO of MicroSoft to redouble my efforts to get Zunes into the hands of every human being, regardless of race, nationality, orientation, creed or religion.

Here is the original post:

Words fail to describe this movement, let these photos speak:Amazing! Maybe the Aussies, Vietnamise, Palestinians, Indians, Chinese, Russians, ..... really do want these things. I'll have to talk to marketing again! Good work SainLee!