The Truth About Apple!

There is not much good news for Apple or Steve (problem-child) Jobs these days! I admit it, they did get a little boost from the initial release of Vista being perceived as being a terrible, slow, incompatible, uninspired, copy-cat OS. Some people who were silly enough to believe those rumors and lies about Vista were duped enough to buy a Mac instead of a new Vista CapAble or a new PC running Vista.
BUT THOSE DAYS ARE OVER NOW!
With the release of Vista SP1 we have corrected all of the perceived mistakes, moved menus around, renamed commands, updated background images, added more drivers and lots of other stuff that the preservers were perceiving! So now there is no reason whatsoever to wait or buy some other computer!

The free ride is over now Stevey-boy! Sure your sales tripled in the last year, but you only tripled 2.5% to whatever that is now. Vista is the cat's meow baby! Our little slip-up may have bought your little candy-coated sissy-boy oddly-shaped devices company a year or two more until your certain bankruptcy, but it will come!

If you don't believe me look at their stock! Even the Apple top executives are getting out while the gett'ns good!

"Apple (AAPL) chief operating officer Tim Cook sold 286,673 shares on March 24 at about $140 each, raking in about $40 million... Likewise, Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer disclosed that he sold all but 13,173 of the 250,000 shares ... Jonathan Ive, SVP for industrial design, received 200,000 shares via RSUs, and has since sold almost all of them ... Five other Apple execs received RSU grants that day as well; none show any open market sales..." - Seeking Alpha


BUY ZUNE, BUY VISTA! I tell you all this because I care!
I'M NOT EVIL!

Being Forced to Testify! - Disgraceful!

The whiney moroms sueing Microsoft in the VistaCapable law suit have won a "victory" of sorts, in that the court has ordered that I be deposed and testify!
My people sent them a letter last month where I told them "I know nothing, I see nothing!"
I feel like this is becoming sort of a witch hunt, you know, "catch the rich CEO guy in a blatant lie" kinda thing. I told them what they needed to know. What ever happened to the good old days of the privilaged rich?
I give more to charity in a week than that judge makes in a year! I do good stuff!
What's wrong with this great country of ours when the "I'm too busy and important" excuse no longer works?

Well, if they want ME in court, they are gonna' get ME in court! All I can say is that court will never be the same again!

Stop Terrorism!

I am soooo angry over what has happened in India. My friend Nil Mutant at Flickr is too, he's working on some anti-terrorism poster layouts, check out this one and his message:



'Terrorism' the word itself has become a terror.It's a big problem all over the world and very BIG problem for India.
125 killed around 300 injured and the number the still rising and we all are in darkness about the ultimate fate - Its Mumbai, Novemeber'08 [8/11]....terrorism...How many lives should we loose ...how much blood should we sacrifice to this monster ?

Please circulate this picture and message to make a general awareness against terrorism.

Gaggle RELENTS! - First Post of a New Era!

Early this morning, without notice, Google took the lock off of the Fake Steve Ballmer Blog!
There are only a few dozen of my inner personal double secret staff at Microsoft who know about it, but the all came to the "Free Steve Ballmer" office to celebrate! ... and celebrate we did!

A special thanks to all of you out there who supported us in this struggle for freedom of speech! The truth cannot be canned!

google people,
this blog is the opposite of Fakestevejobs (which you people love)
It is simply very popular, tasteful, great graphics, current and fun, is that a problem?

I know my company is not exactly a friend of you guys,
I know there are Apple cultist out there who would sacrifce their lives to stop the dissemination of truth,
I know that most Gaggle employees are satire-challenged,
Do I sound like a machine? a bot or whatever your Lienux servers call it?

really?

Testify!

I'm a billionaire today because of Microsfot! I'm spreading the word of Vista to a technologically backwards Linux using world, confused iTards, dyslexic iphoners and those who don't know the goodness of the Zune!
I called for some of my fans at Flickr to testify:

MacAoda8:
"Stevo my Brutha you're a nut! A very likable nut at that! I LOVE MY VISTA!"

pvtrillo:
"Buennísimo retrato conseguido, tiene movimiento y vida. Saludos"

Buttersweet:
"If I told you what MS *really* means to me, I'd be writing a book. I will say that at work (when I worked), the VA got us computers. I was scared. It's changed my life in ways I never thought possible. I don't need to tell you all what it did to the workplace. If they never taught me to use a computer, I would never have picked up a camera, never found Flickr, never learned to use photoshop, never have been buttersweet."

cphilruns:
"I only do certain things on the computer but for some odd reason have never experienced the utter horror of Vista that others have experienced. ....Lead us oh wise one into the neverending path of computer programming and enlightenment. "

lizardgal:
"Hey Stevo, I think I recognize that televangelist's body. He's a billionaire too. LOL I love Vista XP!!!! It's the best thing to come along, since sliced bread. LOL @ this shot. "

•!¦[•TOOMT◈QATAR •]¦!• تومــة:
"I love your work here, it is interesting and educational all at the same time."

Marvin: "I read your blog and it makes me stronger, wiser, better, so much better"

VistaCapable? Not Look'n So Good!

InformationWeak has written a very troubling article:
Vista Capable Fiasco 'Destroyed' Microsoft's Credibility, Insider E-Mails Say
What is upsetting in the article is the revelation that my own people are unwilling to fall of the grenade for me! When every last MS employee ius supposed to say, "I know nothing, I see nothing", it turns out that we have whiners internally! Not just low level basement dwellers too, these rats are senior executives! These weaklings emails have been entered into evidence AGAINST MS!

"Now we have an upset partner, Microsoft destroyed credibility, as well as my own credibility shot," wrote Allchin

"In the end, we lowered the requirement to help Intel (NSDQ: INTC) make their quarterly earnings so they could continue to sell motherboards with 915 graphics embedded," wrote John Kalkman, a Microsoft general manager

In another e-mail, Microsoft Windows product manager Mike Nash said even he was fooled by the campaign: "I personally got burned by the Intel 915 chipset issue on a laptop that I personally" bought "with my own $$$." Nash said he purchased the Sony laptop "because it had the Vista logo and was pretty disappointed."

Just because we played with a few words, vowels, meanings ... and are now being sued for fraud, is now reason to be disloyal!

Git' Cha' WebRally Posters Here!

Well the WebRally is over and has become part of Microsoft lore, but while we are still keeping the site up you can still download your own Ballmer WebRally poster! They are going fast!
Sorry but we have removed the video of the developer software demonstration, it didn't quite go as planned, the computers kept freezing and crashing on stage! I hate it when that happens but it's an occupational hazard, you understand, if you don't then you are not much of a MS developer!

Yes I Compared Bill to Moa, So What?

What is all of the fuss about? Moa was a historic figure whose actions will be studied for centuries to come, the same is true for Bill. I studied Moa in college and you know he wasn't all that bad a guy, I mean, most people don't know what's best for them, "they must be guided, lead in the way, taught habbits that unify the whole for the individual is nothing".
If you are not the CEO of a worldwide corporation I guess you cannot really appreciate some of Moa's philosophy. As far as I am concerned his main problem was just that he didn't believe in PROFIT! ... but then again, most democrats don't either.

I Am Not Evil

The press is finally catching on to the fact that Microsoft is not out for world domination! This crazy conspiracy theory has been going on for what seems like forever! We only plan to dominate software, web services, CRM, ERP, digital media delivery, format standards and Operating Systems. No single company can control "everything", we only wish to control how you get everything.
That is why under BallmerSoft we will be having a BIG move to software as a service. I'm betting the farm that the future belongs to the delivery boys not the producers so much. Join us in this brave new world!
Like I said at Convergence 2008 a few months ago:
"CRM Live is not the only service that we plan from Dynamics in the software-plus-services space," I said. "You should expect to see more from us in ERP and other areas as we move into the future."

Deliver Us From Evil! - a Synopsis

I thought I had made my last political post, but now Barak is considering PURE UNCUT EVIL for Secretary of State! I know this is a very long post, but if you read all of my past post I think you will get the correct prespective on Hellary:

Obama Picks the WRONG Guy!
EVIL Still Plotting, Scheming, Foaming at Mouth ....
Hellary and the Girls Scheming Together!
Ballmer For VP!
Steve Ballmer - Vice-President!
Obama Don't Fail Me Now! - Evil Lurks!

I Apologize, But I have to do this:
Hellary's Request:
The Hotel Room!
The Wicked Witch's Freudian Slip!
Hellary Stresses Her Klan-Appeal!
Barrak BEWARE! They know Something!
EVIL, Pure and Simple!
Dang! This Guy is Smoooooth!
Why Obama Hates HillBillies?
Satan, Get Thee Behind Me!
The Borg Queen Revisited!

The Hellary PLOT!
Hellary, The Devil and ME!

The Hellary Problem Back Again!
Hellary Comes a-courtin'!
Bi-Partisan Support For Vista!

The Black Hole! LOL

I have ordered a team of NtN's (Nasal toned Nerds) to work on this!

The Truth About Yahoooo

You people who are smart, cultured, savy, suave and tasteful enough to read this blog are privilaged to get the actual story, not that crapola we feed to the talking heads, info-babes, self-obsessed pundits and PR leeches out there!
Right now the Yahoo stuff is still hot in news circulation. Let me clue you into what's really going on:
1.) I will acquire Yahoo!
... All of my recent statements, denials, insults and dismissals of Yahoo is but part of our larger strategy of getting the price right! When Yahoo stock is down to about $6, we will pounce (I love that word) on it! I will keep talking my head off, denying and railing about it until the price is right!
2.) I will have my revenge on Yang and his henchmen!
.... They had a good time double-crossing and making me look like a dancing monkey-boy fool, they shall pay!
3.) Ichan is my unwitting puppet!
... Carl is a snake in the grass! (-gr) He claimed that he played me like a fiddle, he will find out that the tune was Taps!
4.) Google is doomed!
.... My Yahoo/Cloud/Azure/Zune/Silverlight strategy will conquer and crush all competition within the next 5 years!

Right now, I'm playing the fool!

I am not evil

Bill-Girl Gets a Promotion!

Bill-Girl works on DL-3 (Developer Basement Level -3), she is our new EVPVGSO (Exeutive Vice President in charge of Vista Gadgets Shadow Opacity). She does one phenominal job.
BG is the love-child of Bill and an accountant from -6.
She reads the blog several times a day, so this is just a note of congratulations!

Uncle Steve is going to take you to lunch tomorrow.
I love you and am proud of you, I hope to dance at your wedding someday.

All is One, One is None, None is All!

I had a little problem the other day, so I called our top NtN (Nasal-toned Nerd) to my office for a little tech help:

RAJivhe: You Eminence, vhat is yur probleem this glorious dae?

Ballmer: I made a Linux Developer/administrator hit list for '08, sorted by the influentiality colum and subsorted by distribution.
It was a thing of beauty! I had finally compiled a list of the top thousand most dangerous LuTards, categorized it and made it cogent. I did a file - save - exit, then went to the desktop.
I wanted to drag it to my thumb drive then delete the original. But the file wasn't on the desktop, I then realised that I had simply saved it to "My Documents" by default. ... To make a long story short, I spent an hour scouring the drive for the folder. I went to C: and told Vista to search, but no My Documents was to be found! Where is the My Documents folder?

RAJivhe: That is someteems a vere vere guud question sihr!

Ballmer: ... and the answer would be?

RAJivhe: It ez everywhere, YET! It is nowhere! (I gave him my confused look, so he continued)
Your Grandness, your computer ez networked in the new MS-UberGrid! In this network you have all, yet you have nothing. Your local computer is but a spec in the sea of the nothingness of data, all is one, one is none, none is all!

Ballmer: Uh, I want my file! Where is it?

RAJivhe: Buffa, there is no where here, all data moves between servers, nodes, it is naut a ting, it is nothingness, it is only perceived! A whispered word in the desert which signifies all that the desert ez!

Ballmer: It's name was LuTardKillist.xlsx and I want it! (I was loosing my patience) I want it now!

RAJivhe: Oh Great-one! Now is but a pearl floating upon waves of anticipation! To become one with your document you must free yourself of this "now" and see that now is simply now, then it vanishes!

(I just stared at him for a moment, then in a very serene manner said:)

Ballmer: Oh enlightened one, I shall free you of the burdens brought upon thy most radiant soul by the all-ness of money and a job!

RAJivhe: It's in H:/Documents and Settings/SABallmer/My Documents/LuTardKillist.xlsx

(I stood and bowed to him)
Ballmer: Namaste! Now get out of here!

Debby Does Windows 7

The NTN's over at Microsoft Watch are crazy about this video of Debby Fry Wilson, senior director for Windows Product Management, being questioned about Windows 7. Very informative, I have to give her a raise.

Microsoft Reaches for Lucky Seven from Watch Tips on Vimeo.

Standing up to Pirates!

Despite all of the work we put into Vista, software piracy is still growing! I hate pirates! They should be disemboweled and made to walk the plank!Why am I so fired up about this today? Well, just yesterday as my entourage was on the way to OverLake Golf and Country Club, we had to take a detour through an "urban" area. As I gawked out the window I saw several young men at some kind of sales stand on a street corner, above it was a pirate flag and a big banner saying: "Music, Video & Software!"
I ordered the entourage to stop!
I got out, went up to one of these people and asked, "Do you people have a license? Is this stuff legit?"
I can't tell you what they replied, it was vulgar and I didn't understand most of it anyways.
As the one in the red droopy pants approached me, my BWBG's (BlackWater BodyGuards) flashed the Uzi's and said "no touch'n da man bro!"
Mr. Red droopy looked annoyed and asked, "wha biddniz is it o' yo'zin bro!"
I pointed to a large stack of Vista boxes and said sternly, "I make those! I don't appreciate anybody selling stolen ones or knockoffs, .... bro!"
They all looked at each other, then they all started laughing.
Droopy motioned to his partners and yelled, "Give them thangs to da' man!"
They filled the trunks of both limousines with brand new Vista Ultimate boxes.
I looked at him and said, "Yo! I dunna wanna catch youz alls sellin' doze again, bro!"
He looked at me matter-of-factly, raised his right hand and put his left on his heart and swore, "No problem muh man, no problem!"
As we drove away, BWBG#6 said to me, "That was impressive sir!"
I said, "Yes it was, wasn't it!"

As we rounded the corner, I looked back and saw the guys on the corner laughing uncontrollably again.
I thought to myself, "peculiar people."

Google blah-de-blah-de-blah .....

Just one more thing from the Aussie Web Rally Liberation Day Thing:

"This is [Google's] first phone, they're not easy. Let's see how they do.
Google can hire smart guys, hire smart people, blah-de-blah-de-blah. … I don't really understand their strategy, maybe somebody else does. … Turning up to an investor meeting saying, 'We've just launched a mobile operating system with no revenue model, yay!' -- I wouldn’t do that. ... I don't get the business model. If somebody thinks the formula is you give away your operating system to get (traffic to Google search), the operators are much too smart; they'll know they can still ask to be paid to carry your service."

"Google doesn't exactly bubble to the top of the list of the toughest competitors we've got going in mobile,"

Google? blah-de-blah-de-blah .....



I am not evil

Zune! - Classic Commercial

I always loved this one.

Exclusive: Preview of the MS Exe.Store!

I dropped a hint at the web rally about the MS Exe.Store:
"We debated long and hard before the [Professional Developers Conference] whether we ought to disclose some of the things that we've got in progress ..... we decided the answer was 'Not ready to talk about those yet,' but fear not, we're hard at work, and you'll see some of the benefits [of that] with some of the concepts, particularly Facebook's."

Liberation Day Web Rally Photos - Gooood Time!

You can see the presentation stream HERE!

And the FSB Award goes to Alicia!

I have decided to give a monthly trophy to my best fans and frequent commenters! You people on Flickr and Virb are included too!

This month I am recognizing "Alicia, Feelin' the Love!"!
http://hopefulsurrogatemom.blogspot.com/

Congratulations on winning an FSB, You guys deserve it!

Prophetic! Simply Prophetic! - Chris Rock

Vista Legion! - The Battle Goes Well, Enemy Routed!

I was told yesterday that the NTN's (Nasal toned Nerds) on basement level -12 call me their centurion! They view me as Gladiator of Vista, Chief Guardian of .NET, Emperor of Explorer! Not wanting to let them down, I took the elevator down to -12 wearing my Maximus Decimus general outfit! Wow, did they love that!

I'm good to my people!
I am not evil

Don't Miss My First Web Rally! - Aussie Style!

Platform For The next Technology Revolution!

The new Azure Platform and Windows 7 will usher in the NEXT BIG THING! All over the internet it is being proclaimed as revolutionary and even my greatest critics are beginning to realize my genius (about time!). So you people say you want a revolution? One Revolution on the way, courtesy of Microsoft!