Wednesday, December 31

Y2K9 ZUNE - THE SCARE! Last Only 24 Hours!


The issue should be resolved over the next 24 hours as the time change moves to January 1, 2009. We expect the internal clock on the Zune 30GB devices will automatically reset tomorrow (noon, GMT). By tomorrow you should allow the battery to fully run out of power before the unit can restart successfully then simply ensure that your device is recharged, then turn it back on. If you’re a Zune Pass subscriber, you may need to sync your device with your PC to refresh the rights to the subscription content you have downloaded to your device.

This problem will not occur again until next December 31, 2008! Opps, that means it will never happen again!
NO FIX NECESSARY!

The Motley Fool's "Open Letter" to ME!

You know I like that Motley Fool website, they do a pretty good job of giving stock advice most of the time. Their stories are usually well writtenand entertaining.
BUT when it comes to analysis of Microsoft and me in particular they are indeed "foolish"!

An Open Letter to Steve Ballmer

C'mon guys, I know you all are trying to get your hit count up, envoking my name is a good way, but you should really stick with what you are good at and let the experts (me) handle the management of Microsoft. All of your criticisms of me are noted, but really, I'm the billionaire here, not you!



I am not evil

Y2K9 ZUNE - THE SCARE!


There is a rumor out there that all of the Zunes out there are dying as 2009 approaches, we are looking into this, do NOT panic!
Official MS ZuneTeam comminique:

"Customers with 30-GB Zune devices may experience issues when booting their Zune hardware. We're aware of the problem and are working to correct it. The Zune Social might be slow or inaccessible. Sorry for the inconvenience, and thanks for your patience!"

No need for mass hysteria people, we will get your Zunes back!
(In the meanwhile set your dates to ten years ago.)



BREAKING NEWS!
The bug was caused by an unexpected leap year!

Tha Balm Album!

After turning down several studios who want to publish my album, I've decided to establish Balm Records inc. Why? All of those guys used Macs! :-(
I am asking for your assistance in choosing four of the numbers on my Virb site for inclusion in the final master. If you would listen (very pleasant) and list your top four I would be in your debt.
http://virb.com/balm/

Thanks
Stephanos Anton Ballmerfeld
(aka Steve Ballmer)

Sunday, December 28

The SpaceFlight Before Christmas Was Canceled!



I forgot to mention that my little trek into space was canceled by the Russian government! They used some stupid excuse about instability in some province near the base and rescheduled it to next Christmas! I was really looking forward to being blasted out of the atmosphere at mock 6! Oh well.

Maybe I can hitch a ride to the spacestation with NASA, Obama owes me a big one.

Saturday, December 27

My old friends at WalMart used to be quite faithful Microsoft advocates but they have turned! They have announced that they will be selling iPhones right in the store! Can you believe that? I offered them discount Zunes and they turned me down flat!
They must pay for such insolence! This is an affront to our retail partners program!
My answer: "ZuneMart! Your place for all things Microsoft!"
Sure we will sell everything that WalMart does now but it will all be from companies which only run their entire enterprise on Microsoft based software! WalMart's time has come, a beautiful day looms ahead!

Friday, December 26

The iJustine Stalker Thing!


I'm sure that you people have heard that Steve Jobs has been out of pocket for the last few months (I truly wish him well), but one side effect of this is that his official iStalker (this really hot blond iJustine) has moved on to following me instead!
Whenever I go anywhere she reminds me that she is two steps ahead of me by leaving a Ballmer Action Figure in a chair.
She hides behind bushes, trucks, in sewers, disguises herself as servants .... If she were not soooo hot I'd call the cops; well I did once, but they laughed at me, when I showed them her picture they said:
"You want to get rid of her? Are you crazy? Anybody would give their left *** to have a stalker like that!"
My BWBG's (Blackwater Bodyguards) say they would love to catch, cuff and pat her down, but she's too smart!
She even made it into my south mansion pruple room!
I've been assured by Job's people that she is not dangerous and should just be accepted as a side-effect of being famous, but I don't know, I just don't know. It just bothers me that she's an iTardess Mac lover. Ther's something wrong with all of those people!


I am not evil

The Candy Man - I was humming it so I blog it!

Thursday, December 25

Goodnight Ertha Kit

Wednesday, December 24

Steve Ballmer's 12 Gifts of Christmas


I actually like Joe Wilcox of eWeek and I got a chuckle from his Christmas entry:
"Steve Ballmer's 12 Gifts of Christmas"
1. Jerry Yang's new job. Yahoo's founder simply had too much work to do trying to lift the listing company aright. But thanks to Microsoft's failed $44.6 billion hostile takeover, Yahoo shareholders demanded that Jerry take a break from being CEO......

2. Google search share. ... Microsoft and Yahoo both lost search share during the four-month takeover turmoil, and Microsoft kept on giving to Google all year long. In December last, Google search share was 58.4 percent....

3. Patch me up. ....Microsoft released 80 security bulletins during 2008. Technically, that's 80 patches, but Steve's giving is much bigger, since each bulletin covers so many products for IT organizations to patch. ... They say the gift of giving is the one you don't tout. Well, Steve and Co. certainly don't broadcast the real number of patches they give to customers each month.

4. Windows XP extensions. .... Who needs Vista with Windows XP charity like this?

5. BlackBerry and iPhone. .... Rumors could be true, and maybe Microsoft is working on some super secret Zune phone or Zune software for 2009, but 2008 was for sharing market share.

6. European Union. Steve sent wads of cash to his friends on the Continent. Again. In February, the European Union fined Microsoft €899M, or about $1.35 billion, bringing Steve's total gifting to $2.5 billion.....

7. Live Search. ...The Live Search Cashback program pays people who buy products using the service. Who says that loyalty is underrated? Best of all: Microsoft gives without getting anything in return.....

8. Bill Gates. In late June, Steve gave Microsoft's chairman to the world.....

9. Jerry Seinfeld. .... Bill had the privilege of working with Jerry and wiggling his butt at the comedian's request. OK, I buy that as the coolest retirement present ever.

10. U.S. trustbusters. ....lobbying enlightened Justice Department lawyers enough that they were within hours of charging Google for violating the Sherman Act. Instead, Google backed off a plan to provide search services to Yahoo.

11. 'I'm a PC!': Steve gave Windows users an identity, without Windows, and made them half a duo minus one. In response to Apple's popular and effective "Get a Mac" ads, Microsoft released counter-commercials. The Apple ads begin with two actors saying, "Hello, I'm a Mac, and I'm a PC." Microsoft chose real people, who each exclaim, "I'm a PC!" Who needs Windows, which isn't the least promoted in Microsoft's commercials, when "I'm a PC!" Brilliant, Steve.

12. Windows Vista Capable. .....Late last month, the judge ordered Steve to be deposed by plaintiff attorneys. Please, Steve, can you give us more drama?

Joe you were close on more than half the list, pretty good!

Open Standards = No Standards Revival!


I was inspired from on high once again! It came to me in a dream:

"Open Standards = No Standards!"

That morning I called up Rabbi Mortergenserstein and asked him if I could have the Synagogue for a few Sabbaths, I made it clear that there would be more than ample compensation, but he refused. So I called my cousin the good right Reverend Cleophus Ballmer and asked to lease out his mega-church on 5th Sundays. He was leery at first, then I told him about his compensation. He then told me:
"Brother Ballmer, I cannot resist this word which thou hast been inspired from on high to spread to the lost sheep of the house of Redmond, nay the world!"
Thus I have started "Vista Chapel nondenominational Church of Windows!"
Services begin next year, I don't have a lot of details yet, but keep reading this blog for them.

My first sermon though will definitely be:
"Open Standards = No Standards!"

At Vista Chapel we believe in the power of Vista, the second coming of the Zune and the infalibility of MS management!

... I can't wait either.

Monday, December 22

Mac vs PC

Sunday, December 21

Vista Makes You Feel Like You Can Fly!



The campaign commercials will feature me flying above major cities, what do you guys think?

Who Am I?

Let's just get that straight from the very beginning here!
I have decided to get into this blogging thing with the rest of you people so I can straighten out some of the FUD out there about me. My image has been tarnished as of late by certain ner-do-wells an haters.
In the next few months I will set all of this crap straight, especially the Google and Apple crap!
You people should check in with me every few days to see what my thoughts are, you will learn a few things.

Zune ROCKS!

Saturday, December 20

I Almost Believed This One!

iGrinch, and They All Lived Happily Ever After


My kids fell asleep the other night as I told them their bedtime story and they asked me to finish it for them. I needed a good ending so I thought about it for a moment:

"...and good King Balmstaad vanquished the evil iGrinch Jobs, he ordered Cupertino flattened and all the people rejoyced! Order was restored to the land and everyone had to buy all of their products from Balmstaad alone, if there was or even could be something better nobody knew it!
Bill-Girl and Vista celebrated Christmas with mirth after the defeat of the iGrinch.
... and they all lived happily ever after."

They went to sleep with big smiles on their faces. You know, I think that one day I will actually write childrens books.



I am not evil

Friday, December 19

And the Winners of the FSB are -


I give these awards every month to either Zuners, bloggers or Flickr Friends, I could not settle on any one and everybody was pretty close. Don't be discouraged, you will make the cut next time!

Foto Fransen
Cripix
Spunky TJ
Wizard One
RONALD MENTI
**Ms Judi**
jazz-rock guitar man
lightups
allr1
kpaxsmith
Stephen K. Willi
ssimonecba

All winners have won 500 Zune-Points!
email me for details

ballmerrules@hotmail.com

Looking Cloudy!

Most of you have certainly heard or read about the world-changing speech I gave at the MS Partner Conference! I said:
"We are in the process today of building out a services platform in the cloud,"
Yes, we have seen a future, a bright future where you no longer have to buy software, you rent it. You won't have to worry about illegal software, media, music etc... being on your PC, we will remove it for you. You won't have to worry about backing-up your personal documents, we will keep them for you in our cloud! Why bother with these things when we can do it all for you? The future is coming, and the key word we see for it is "conformity", Software as a service, constant monitorting, security assured. We will talk more in the next few months, I know you are all as exicited about this new direction as I am.

Watch my speech here: https://partner.microsoft.com/40044112

Thursday, December 18

My Vista Testimony-Coach!


Since I have to give my sworn deposition in the Vista CapAble Class Action suit this week, I decided to bring in the best. After a few hours of coaching from Bill I can't wait to get up on the stand!

This is gonna' be classic!

Wednesday, December 17

Careful or it's "No Vista For YOU!"


Remember people, our Windows Garunteed Advantage policy is still in place! So when you go out and buy that new laptop or desktop PC remember to register your software and operating system or very nasty things can start happening!
I warned the Chinese that they needed to clean up all of this "People's Sharing" stuff (aka piracy), but they didn't listen, so we kicked in a few of our little ***hidden surprises we hid in the OS, and they have the nerve to get an attitude with me?
We at Microsoft want all of you and yours to have a wonderful Holiday, don't make us ruin it for you! We want our cash and your personal information and everything will be just honkey-doorey!
Otherwise it's "No Vista for YOU!"

Your Friend:
Stephanos Anton Ballmerfeld
(Steve Ballmer)


I am not evil

Tuesday, December 16

Who Throws a Shoe?

Monday, December 15

Your Inner Fester, the Revelation!


My therapist convinced me not to be ashamed of being called "Uncle Fester"!
The iTards and that fake Steve Jobs guy started it, it was a term of derision, so I felt like I had to hide my adoration of the man. Well, no more!
I have realised that I actually do have an "inner Fester"! So do most of you.
You see Fester exemplified the struggle of the inner man's fascination with the strange, pain, explosives, the unusual, ... One cannot truly be liberated until one finds a way to express the Fester within! The actor who played Uncle Fester on the Adams Family, Jackie Coogan, found the perfect vehicle for expressing this part of the Psyche, thus was born Uncle Fester!
So, go ahead call me Fester! I wear it as a badge of honor!

Fester Trivia:
Did you know that Coogan was married to Betty Grable?
His grandson Keith played on television shows like The Waltons, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, Laverne and Shirley, Mork & Mindy, Eight is Enough and Knight Rider.
He was discovered by Charley Chaplin.

Say it loud people! I'm a Fester and I'm PROUD!

Sunday, December 14

Shoes, Eggs, Pies .... what Next?

Saturday, December 13

The "Linux Must END!" Campaign campaign!

I know my recent post have been kind of light, nice and all of that stuff, but I'm in a different mood today! Why?
Well one of the lead NTN's (Nasal-toned Nerds) from basement level -14 sub-sect k cc'd me on a memo about sub-sect K's latest programing proposals. He wrote:

"The guys in sub-sect K are proposing for your consideration that we start to include more Unix links and hooks in the underlying Windows 7 source code! Our studies show that simply pilfering even 5% of the unix base stabilizes, optimizes, accelerates and protects Windows by as much as 27.8561% than any of Vista's legacy code which is still mostly a cobbled DOS amalgamation which frankly speaking, even we are beginning to have a hard time understanding! The introduction of this Linux-variant source helps to make our system rational once again! ...."

I hit the roof when I read this!
I had security drag all 23 sub-sect K nerds up to my office!
When they were rousted in they all acted like they had no idea as to why they were brought upstairs (I hate it when nerds do that!)
They were visibly shaken, when they saw the look of disgust on my face several started whimpering. I opened up on them:

"You people have been testing Unix code? Do you know where the H#%% you are? Don't any of you remember when I declared that all of that crap was a cancer? What is wrong with you people? Where did I go wrong?"

They all started to wail, blubber and plead! They fell to the floor prostrate before me, begging my pardon, and I as usual was merciful. I let them get up on their knees, spread my arms wide and proclaimed:

"You will all reformat your drives, be demoted two pay grades and be relocated to level -23 where you will work with the Iraqi WMD guys! Maybe they can teach you a few things about obedience!"

They were so relieved! Three of them tried kissing my feet as they crawled out of my office, but I was wearing crocks.

At least this little episode has reminded me that lately I've been taking it easy on the Lie-nuts people, but no more!


Ewe! I have to call and get the carpet cleaned.

Friday, December 12

Hola Fidel!


El Comandante en Jefe, Fidel Castro was one of my biggest supporters during the Google-war. I sent him an advanced copy of The MBC.
He sent the above photo and wrote:

"Señor, usted me inspira! Últimamente he sido fácil convertirse en mi pueblo, pero ahora voy a ser más exigente que nunca! Gracias por ponerme de nuevo en el buen camino! El control total y la destrucción de mis enemigos!"

For an "absolute ruler" he's not all bad.

This just shows that you never know who is reading this blog!

Thursday, December 11

How the iGrinch Tried to Steal Christmas!


Last night I told my daughters a bedtime story, the book was boring so I started to ad-lib. I've decided to share it here with the rest of you:

"Once upon a time in the tiny town of Cupertino, an evil, vile, walking pestilence controled everyone's lives!
The good king Balmstaad and his troops were able to contain this evil to not more than 5% of the kingdom for years and years.
Then the evil iGrinch returned to Cupertino and caused the evil to grow! This greatly bothered Balmstaad who sent his step-daughter the beautiful Bill-Girl to the putrid land to ascretain exactly what was happening there." .....

Wednesday, December 10

Of Clowns, Rats and Traitors!

Remember that movie, "Willard", he trains an army of rats that eventually turn on him?
They are led by Ben and Socrates: fat, stinky, maladjusted, nasty, illtempered, fickle rats who just can't be pleased. Well, lately I have been feeling a little Willardy, you see some of the head fat, stinky, maladjusted, nasty, illtempered, fickle rats who just can't be pleased have been turning on MS just because they have had a few minor problems with Vista. The rats:
BEN - Jim Louderhack (uncerimoniously dismissed editor of PCWorld) took his parting shot;
"So why, nine months after launch, am I so frustrated? The litany of what doesn't work and what still frustrates me stretches on endlessly."
SOCRATES - James Shallows (Poorly attried National Correspondent for The Atlantic Monthly) says he is going back to XP;
"...I said that users should wait to buy new computers until the new version of Windows, Vista, was available -- and that "of course" they should buy Vista-equipped machines once they could. That was wrong. I apologize."

My response, in the words of imortal Willard himself;

"You're trying to take my house. You made a fool of me in front of everybody. You made me hate myself. I thought about it a lot, hating myself. Well right now, at this moment, I LIKE myself."

To the Microsoft faithful I say, to the forums, man you blogs, "Tear 'em up! muahahahahaha"

Gaggle Read THIS!

Kippling put it this way, (This spoke directly to me):

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Sunday, December 7

The Coupon to End All Coupons!


My staff came up with this. They have some gooooood ideas! It is a present to you guys on my Blog. Flickr Maniacs, Zunites and Virb.com friends.

Gunning For Google!

Friday, December 5

Qi Lu, Yahooooooo!

I just had a press conference along with my new hire Qi Lu, formerly a big wig with Yahoo! I forget what he used to do over there but it was significant! So why did I hire him? Well, I like to stay in the news and this was a sure fired news maker!
When one of the reporter babes asked, "is this a first step in buying Yahoo?" I answered:

"I think a search deal makes great sense for Microsoft, and Yahoo, and I think I've been very open about that. That's as true with Qi joining us as it was before Qi joined us. Obviously, the logistics of any such integration...can only be simpler by having somebody who will know both sides. But that was not a factor in hiring Qi.
Our focus on portal and search is super-strong, and even if we never do a Yahoo deal or anything else, I wanted to have Qi come on board. It is kind of a bonus that if something happened with Yahoo I'm sure it's somewhat simpler."


If you haven't figured it out, that was my way of saying that when we do buy Yahoo we will need a "Microsoft trained" oriental guy to take Yang's place. One hard and fast rule we have around here is that you never do cross-culture-replacement of senior executives! Italians for Irish or French for Portuguese or even Mexican for Bolivian is OK, but never replace a China-man with anything less than a Korean! It simply isn't done.

BallmerSoft Closer to Reality!


I have proposed that Microsoft go in a new direction, new thinking, a new look, a new name!
The whole precieved Vista debacle has damaged our branding, people have a negative image whenever they hear Microsoft, Vista, Zune. "Blue Screening" has almost become a virb (I had to payoff Webster's to keep it out of next year's edition.)
For these reasons I proposed the name change to BallmerSoft!
Most of my internal personal staff surveys show it is a winner!

What do you guys think?

Movies I'd Love to See!


Tuesday, December 2

The Fake Blogger Presentation!


OK now, this one is kinda' weird.
I gave a presentation the other day to the board of directors entitled: "The Effect of Fake Bloggers on Company Image".
The blog that they were most interested in was, well, this one!
The Fake Steve Jobs blog is dead and decomposing, today it only attracts voyeurs and die-hard iTards living in the past. The other Fake CEO Blogs are interesting but rather inconsequential (sorry guys). Fake Ballmer has become the predominate force in the FPB sphere (Fake Persona Blog).
They kept asking me if I thought it was "dangerous" to have someone out there pretending to be me pretending to not be me. This was interesting for me since they don't know that I am me pretending to not be me pretending to be me pretending to be me pretending to not be me pretending to be me .... oui!
I got a little disoriented defending the blog since I couldn't tell them what's really or really not going on. Like I said, it was kinda' weird.
In the end, several of them wanted to "hunt down" "fake Steve Ballmer" but said they would defer to my wisdom. I told them:
"Hey the guy is pretty good! If I didn't know any better, I would think it was me doing that blog!"
That drew a huge laugh.
Always remember to dismiss a meeting when you get them to laugh.

That was a close one.
I am not evil

The $20,000,000,000 Question


Anyone intelligent enough to read this blog knows that I never intended to pay $47.5 billion for Yahoo. We went through that entire excersise in order to kill it, watch the stock tank, then snap up the entire company in a fire sale. However, because of the economic implosion the stock has fallen further than even we expected. I believe it can go even further, so now we are floating rumors that we want to buy at $20 B. When this is commonly accepted, I will crush all expectations in some grand announcement of my continued disinterest. Their stock will plummet like a rock again and we will acquire the entire company, lock, stock and barrel for about $10 billion.
It's called business people, it's not evil, nasty, ruthless .... it's simply the way things are done!

Dang! I am goooood!

The iPhone Killer!


We don't quite have the ZunePhone ready yet, but this is close, it's runs off WinMoblie!
Apple, your time is up!

That Nightmare Again!

I went to sleep last night with a lot on my mind! I've got to testilie this month in the VistaCapable debacle, everyone despises Vista, Novel is suing us for a half trillion and winning and my dentist claims I have incurable gingivitis!
I guess all of this had something to do with this weird recuring dream I have whenever I'm under a lot of pressure:

In the dream I'm Dewey Cox, I'm singing Walk Hard; suddenly all of the strings on my guitar brake, the entire audience starts leaving and my leather suit starts shrinking rapidly! As I struggle to get the suit off, Larry Ellison, Steve Jobs and Jerry Yang walk up to me and start laughing their butts off!
I scream "help me please! I'm dieing here!"
They then stop laughing, Steve starts throwing big aluminum Apples at me, Ellison turns into the sun and starts burning me and Yang starts yelling "Yahoooooo! Yahoooo! Yahooo!.... as loudly as he can right in my ear!"
I see Bill Gates passing by and call, "help me Bill!"
He stops, stares, then he burst into flames, saying "sorry, Ballmey-boy, I'm outta' here!"

Suddenly I wake up! I remember it all.
I went to the East kitchen, told the refrigerator to give me a nice glass of orange juice. As I drank it and thought about the dream, I said to myself,

"What a nightmare, it wasn't all bad though, at least Googloids weren't in it this time!"

Monday, December 1

Excuse Me, But I is Just in a Funky Kinda Mood!




There now!