ZuneSphere is Key to Ruling it all!

As I was reading the monthly Linux hit list my receptionist buzzed in three of the Iraqi Scientist from Developer Level -53. I hadn't seen them in quite some time (despite the fact that they live down there), so I buzzed them in. Whenever they want to meet me it is for something very good. They think of me as their "ultimate ruler" so I put on my crown before they entered.
They entered and fell to the carpet, I said, "One of you may look upon my visage and speak!" Dr. Hanasaah spoke:
Hanasaah: "Your immenseness, we have made a breakthrough on the ZuneSphere!"
Ballmer: "I thought we ceased our efforts on that project? Nonetheless, continue."
Hanasaah: "Sire, we realised that the problem with the earlier models was that of power consumption. They would overheat and explode like a grenade from the hands of Saddam. But the new model uses bio-electrical energy as a power source!"
Ballmer: "What do you mean by that?"
Hanasaah: "It is powered by energy from your body! There is no internal power source, you are the source of it's power!"
Ballmer: "This had better work! Give it to me!"
He reached into his camel-hair satchel and placed the 3.5" black sphere on my desk. As I reached for it, it started to glow, as I touched it, the Zune menu displayed. I went through the menus, listened to some Balm, squirted a song to my ZunePhone and listened to some radio. I was impressed!
I said within myself, "This will make me the KING of digital media!"

After a few minutes of using it, I started to feel dizzy, I dropped into my lazy-boy, I started to black-out, but Dr. Hanasaah came over and took the Zunesphere out of my hand. Then I started to quickly revive. I looked at them and asked, "What was that?"
Hanasaah: "Sometimes it draws a little too much of your bio-electrical energy sir. But we are working on that! The calculations are quite complicated sir."
I looked at them angrily and screamed, "FIX IT THEN! THIS IS THE FUTURE!"
They scurried quickly back to the elevator.

I thought to myself, "WOW! When they work out that little problem where it sucks the life out of you, WE WILL RULE!"

The Truth About Search!

btw:
Never use the G word, say "the evil market leader"

Let Yang Be a Lesson!

I told you people a few months ago, "God Punishing Yang and Yahoo! Yang and Yahoo!"
Some of you may wonder what Jerry Yang is doing now that he has been ousted as Yahoo CEO. I think the picture below should clarify things just fine:
Those who would dare to publicly embarrass and out wit me shall all suffer similar fates! Now I can buy Yahoo at my leisure! As a matter of fact they keep calling and negotiating down, begging for my help, groveling, quivering, drooling and crawling! I don't know which is more disgusting, the vagrant-Yang or the spineless remaining Yahoo board of directors. Well at least the board smells better!
Let Yang be a lesson people!

Oh yeah, I was somewhat merciful to him, I sent one of the NTN's (nasal-toned nerds) down to the square where he lays most of the time to give him $6.00 and a bus ticket to Cleveland.

I am not evil

Official Job Cuts Letter

From: Steve Ballmer
Sent: Thursday, January 22, 2009 6:07 AM
To: Microsoft - All Employees (QBDG)
Subject: Realigning Resources and Reducing Costs

In response to the realities of a deteriorating economy, we're taking important steps to realign Microsoft's business. I want to tell you about what we're doing and why.

Today we announced second quarter revenue of $16.6 billion. This number is an increase of just 2 percent compared with the second quarter of last year and it is approximately $900 million below our earlier expectations.

The fact that we are growing at all during the worst recession in two generations reflects our strong business fundamentals and is a testament to your hard work. Our products provide great value to our customers. Our financial position is solid. We have made long-term investments that continue to pay off.

But it is also clear that we are not immune to the effects of the economy. Consumers and businesses have reined in spending, which is affecting PC shipments and IT expenditures.

Our response to this environment must combine a commitment to long-term investments in innovation with prompt action to reduce our costs.

During the second quarter we started down the right path. As the economy deteriorated, we acted quickly. As a result, we reduced operating expenses during the quarter by $600 million. I appreciate the agility you have shown in enabling us to achieve this result.

Now we need to do more. We must make adjustments to ensure that our investments are tightly aligned with current and future revenue opportunities. The current environment requires that we continue to increase our efficiency.

Introducing The "Windows Live Dancers!"

Who said we were'nt cool!?
Todd Bishop of SeatlePi took a little video of our Windows Live Ideas Team Dancers at CES and can they get down!

V7FA Catching on Overseas! - Who'd-a-thunk?

The Vista 7 For All Campaign was meant for the USA, but readers of this blog and my multitudinous fans on flickr have taken it world wide!
From Africa to Laos to Australia to Europe posters both large and small have atarted to appear!
They wrote:
Gianluca said...
Dear Mr Ballmer,
Since, the last year I and some other friends have invested a good amount of money in the Microsoft corp., we are now afraid that the company is reducing its power and strength. Some are even predicting that within 10 years Windows will lose the monopolistic market share, and this is not good news for us, the investors.

It is true that the European court is doing its best to eliminate Microsoft Windows from the European market; but the reality is that we Europeans are 100% dependent on your Microsoft products.
So I and other investors decided to introduce the V7FA campaign to Europe, with the hope to boost up the Windows sales in the old continent. We have already ordered two gigantic posters of the V7FA image that is on you blog: one of them is 100 metres long and will be hanged on the Atomium monument of Brussels, while the other is 120 metres long which will be hanged on the Eiffel Tower. Both of them will stay on display for a day (on the 26 or 27 of January at 1200 CET).

We are already contacting journalist (and other propaganda masters) to do reports and scoops on this event. Hope you will like it!

Best Regards
Gianluca
(MS Investor)

Join them people!

Ballmerious!

Yet another studio came to me proposing to do a movie about my life's story. This time they called it BALLMERIOUS!
What do you guys think, should I do it?

The V7FA Poster Campaign!

[click to enlarge]

So many wrote me requesting a poster that I decided to let you print your own (see full size), spread them far and wide. I expect to see these popping up everywhere!
Print this and post everywhere!
Help with the V7FA Campaign!

This Was Cool! See if You Can Spot Me

Holographic Zune in Developement!

The Ballmer Economic Analysis

The economy is not in recession - it's just experiencing a "resetting" of spending. Microsoft won't retrench after years of huge expansion; it'll just apply the brakes until things get better. There's a resetting in the economy to a "lower level of business and consumer spending. That's been dictated by consumers who can't get credit to refinance their homes, let alone buy a second or third PC, and businesses chopping IT to control capital expenses.

Neither the consumer or the business side of the technology industry is immune to these economic conditions, this a once in a lifetime set of economic conditions. There's no stopping our industry or Microsoft. The pause the economy has imposed on our industry will be just that... it will be a pause, it will see renewed strong growth, particularly at Microsoft!

The 80 per cent attach rate of Windows to netbooks, sales of which jumped ten per cent during the company's quarter. Only problem with that is that netbooks are shipping Windows XP rather than high-earning copies of Windows Vista Premium.
Microsoft has its work cut out in businesses where we don't have leading positions. We are prioritizing and we are focusing on the most important stuff as we go forward.

Microsoft's second-quarter revenue grew just two per cent to $16.63bn. That's compared to the same quarter last year, when revenue grew a third and set a record at $16.36bn.

Microsoft's 5,000 cuts are among its full-time employees, I'll add a few thousand back in areas like search, where we see online opportunity.

We don't plan on shrinking it [Microsoft's cost base], we do plan on putting the brakes on.

Exagerations About Employee Cuts!

Hey, we hire 96,000 people and have announced that we are reducing that by 5,000. SO WHAT!
We are not getting rid of "important" people! Put it this way, all of our employees bellow senior manager will now have to take out their own trash, clean up their own offices, fix their own lattes, shine their own shoes, fetch their own mail, ....
They are simply too spoiled so we are getting rid of 50% of the cleaning staff, pool boys, beauticians, manicurist, cooks, errand runners, chauffeurs and fetch-n-toters!
I know it will be tough at first, but Microsoft employees are a hearty bunch.!

Pierro Sierra on shared data experience

Exciting stuff!
<a href="http://video.msn.com/?playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:23e7e4f8-83a5-489e-82d8-542f31ef3333&showPlaylist=true" target="_new" title="PierroSierra">Video: PierroSierra</a>

HB.V7FA and the Innaugration

I contributed $150,000 to the inaugural celebrations and am getting two minutes on stage for it!
This will be better than the SuperBowl and a heck of a lot more affordable! I will introduce the pending hb.V7FA legislation.
Here's my rough draft so far:

"My fellow Americans, it is my honor to speak to you all on this historic day! A day which ushers in a new day, a day of change and enlightenment! A day where the shackles of old thought and prejudices have been cast aside for the common good! I therefore as the CEO of Microsoft therefore dedicate the resources of my great company to helping to expedite this change!
Today, the Washington state delegation introduces a new legislation for the great peoples of America, nay, the WORLD!
We call it hb.V7fa, House Bill Vista 7 For All!
The time has come where your RIGHT to Microsoft's latest Operating System must be recognized! The legislation proposes that just 5% of the pending stimulus package be set aside to secure every red blooded American man, woman, other and child their Windows 7 license! Furthermore, to create the position of Vista Czar! (I have humbly volunteered to be the first).
Write your representative, this day, to vote yes on this legislation! A bill which shall secure the blessings of cutting edge software for generations to come!
It's a new day, think a new way, make the government pay! Your birthright - Vista 7!

Bless you, bless our new president, and may God Bless America!
Thank you, thank you .... you are too kind thank you!"

This is gonna be great!

Ballmer Action Figure II, Coming Soon!

If you would like one of this limited run, write me a 50 word essay as to why you are deserving.

BallmerRules@Hotmail.com

Dinner and Yahoo!

The other day I had an "informal" dinner out with Yahoo chairman Roy Bostock in New York.
We talked about a lot of things: weather, sports, politics, favorite foods, kids, nature, incontinence, and oh yeah ... the failed acquisition of Yahoo by Microsoft last year did come up. Let me tell you, the evening was a real drag until that came up! The guy became all animated, started to stammer and started calling me sir, I like that.
He told me all about some babe named Carol Bartz who has replaced Yang as CEO at Yahoo. He lavished praise upon me for not buying at the time. He begged to keep his job if I take over!

I promised to consider it.

NOT!

Ballmer The LumberJack?

All of the journalist out there are claiming "reliable sources" tell them that I am planning "significant" job cuts at Microsoft!
They call me "LumberJack Steve."
They say that it's because of the ailing economy, sagging sales, Vista-rot, XBox-Blues, Zune-doom, Yahoo-hijinks, over-hiring, poor practices, software taxes, soock buy backize, crony-churnning, money-burning, brain-dead, hard head, self-deluded management wit delusions of better days!
Just let me say "poppy-cock!"
Reduction in the number of employees is "just not our company culture." Remember, "winners hire, losers fire!"
I have always believed that the more employees you have the better your product! Just look at Vista for proof!
I did however say, "We're finding our right balance, when we find it, I'm sure we'll communicate that publicly."
Interpret that however you like, but please not in any manner which I do not like!

LumberJack Steve eh?

Jobs Takes Medical Leave of Absence

While Steve Jobs and I are fierce competitors and often take jabs at each other it is nothing personal at all. I actually consider Steve to be one of my best friends!
When I found out that he will be taking a six month leave of absence from Apple I was quite distrought! Steve wrote to explain:

"Unfortunately, my decision to have Phil deliver the Macworld keynote set off another flurry of rumors about my health, with some even publishing stories of me on my deathbed. I've decided to share something very personal with the Apple community so that we can all relax. As many of you know, I have been losing weight throughout 2008. The reason has been a mystery to me and my doctors."

Join me in including Steve in your prayers, he is indeed a great human being and a worthy competitor.

I thought I really stank but polls show I was a knockout! Goes to show that I am even better than even I know I am!
I even gave several subliminal references to my FPB (Fake Persona Blog).

In my mind it even makes up for the failed MacWorld invasion.

Update on Windows 7 Beta Availability

Due to very heavy traffic we’re seeing as a result of interest in the Windows 7 Beta, we are adding some additional infrastructure support to the Microsoft.com properties before we post the public beta. We want to ensure customers have the best possible experience when downloading the beta, and I’ll be posting here again soon once the beta goes live. Stay tuned! We are excited that you are excited!

UPDATE: The Windows 7 Beta site is up and working and as you may have noticed, it has been up for a while now.

I know many of you have had issues with the Windows 7 Beta site over the last 24 hours. As you may have noticed the download site has been up and running smoothly since this morning. That said, we apologize for the inconvenience that it caused some of you.

Due to an enormous surge in demand, the download experience was not ideal so we listened and took the necessary steps to ensure a good experience. We have clearly heard that many of you want to check out the Windows 7 Beta and, as a result, we have decided remove the initial 2.5 million limit on the public beta for the next two weeks (thru January 24th). During that time you will have access to the beta even if the download number exceeds the 2.5 million unit limit.

Thank you for your enthusiasm, interest and willingness to beta test. It has been great to see the positive early reviews and feedback. As you know, this is a beta product. We are working hard to get Windows 7 ready and right. Your input is a critical part of that process. Thank you!

From Our Beta Team

The Invasion that wasn't!

I would like to apologise to all of the members of "the Horde" which assembled to take over MacWorld with me. The mistake was totally mine! You see, I assumed that since the iTard's conference ended every day at 6:00 that it would on Friday also, but I was wrong, they shutdown at 3:00 and were totally gone by 4:00, which is when we arrived!
Dang! That was embarrassing!
There we were, hundreds of us from all over the world and Microsoft, standing there in full regalia battle vestments (to symbolize our commitment) standing in the middle of the street! Traffic blocked, horns blowing, people gawking and pointing.
What I feel the worst about though is the way that I let "the Horde" down! They looked so dejected, many threw down their spears, wiped the paint from their faces and just walked off. The rest just stood there staring at me, begging for direction, bewildered, bothered, lost ...
I was at a loss for words (first time ever), some sobbed, others started to get angry.
I heard them yell stuff like:
"Hey, I coulda' been home watching StarGate!"
"I missed the trek convention for this!"
"You can't be the real Fake Steve Ballmer, he's never wrong!"

When my BWBG's (BlackWater Bodyguards) who were dressed as Bezerkers saw "the Horde" beginning to become agitated they hustled me away into one of my limos and took me back to my San-Fran estate in South Welford Hills! This did not go well at all!

It took me hours just to be able to bring myself to write this entry.

Again, I would like to apologise for my mistake (I have fired three assistants for it!)
I promise that next time I call "the Horde" together we shall indeed have some iTards or LinuxPhreaks to forcibly convert!


I am not evil

JOIN US! JOIN US! AAAARRGGG! JOIN US!

We go to the Moscone Center tomorrow (friday) at 4:00 PM PST.
We go for the people held in bondage to Macuntosh thinking!
We go for their children! We go to stop the bleeding of MS marketshare!
We shall change MacWorld into ZuneWorld! We shall not fail!
Join us! Be there!

Located in the urban heart of San Francisco's downtown district, The Moscone Center is easily accessible by transit.
From the North Bay Via ferryboat to San Francisco:
Ferries arrive in San Francisco at the Ferry Building. Walk through the Ferry Building and exit onto Embarcadero Boulevard. Cross the street to a streetcar platform. (You should now be facing the Ferry Building.) Catch the F-line streetcar and take it down Market Street to Third Street. Disembark. From Market Street, take Third Street and walk down two blocks. The facility is on your right, on either side of Howard Street. Moscone West is located at Fourth and Howard streets with a second entrance on Fourth Street between Howard and Mission Street.

BART offers fast, convenient regional service and MUNI Metro provides light rail service throughout the City. To reach Moscone North & South, take BART or MUNI to Montgomery station. To reach Moscone West, take BART or MUNI to Powell station.

Caltrain offers a frequent schedule into the nearby station at 4th & Townsend Streets. All of these stations are within a few minutes' walk of The Moscone Center.

The Moscone Center
747 Howard Street
San Francisco, CA 94103

Bonus: The Truth (What I was Thinking) From CES

Rap is the gurggling sound coming out of talent's throat as it lays on it's death bed! These nerds like it though? Maybe this is how we get into that "cool thang"?

... Do I look fat? Do they think I'm fat? What's that extra buldge in my sweater? Keep smiling, keep smiling..... I wish I were back home ....

God! I'm good at looking passionate!

.... I hope they are buying this! ... Look excited, look excited, look excited, wave arms, ....

This looks confusing and thrown together to me, hey, but the geeks say it's good!

... Is it just me or does eveybody getting up here seem to be angry?

... Are we really using Paint in a Windows 7 demo?

Is this really a woman? The closer I look the more disturbing this is!

Gawd! We almost touched hands! ... When are we gonna' ship these coffeetables? ... This sweater is not fitting well! ... vanilla, yes vanilla ....

... This one looks like a woman but why is she doing everything with her eyes closed?

Who is this guy?

MacWorld Was too Boring, So Instead let's Watch ...

Chad Vader Goes Turkey-Bowling! You'll like this:


Well there was ONE good part, my man Tony Bennett!

Spy Photos From MacWorld! And the Wheel!

My operatives are sending back photos of what we are calling "Operation Sanity". There are about a hunred of them there doing everything they can to subliminally prepare the MacWorlders for my coming on Friday. By the time I do make my triumphant entry they will hail me as their new leader and renounce all things Apple!
Yes, the plan is bold, but so am I!
You see I care about these poor misled people, even if they do have inferority complexes and disgusting lifestyles, they still deserve Microsoft products, not all of this pretty candy colored pansey-ware!
Darn it! I JUST CARE!

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

The MacWorld Invasion!

As I stated below, I'm showing up to MacWorld on Friday, what I didn't mention is I'm coming with my personal staff and a few thousand followers from the CES. I am keynote speaker at CES on Wednesday, once I tell them what I plan to do there is no way they will be able to stay home! All of you guys are welcome too!

The MacWorld Plot!

Phil Schiller is to keynote MacWorld this week while I will be at CES, but something is afoot! You see, I plan to leave CES after my keynote and fly to MacWorld on Friday.
Jobs and Apple are abandoning MacWorld, the void must be filled and I will do it, I don't know what I'll say but I mostly ad lib most of the time anyways!
The organizers of MacWorld are in a tizzy, they see this as the end of the road, all of the money will dry up, their only answer is to turn to Microsoft! Their only answer is ME!
I can see it now:

"I enter the convention and am escorted to the stage. At first the die-hard iTards will hisss and boo, but I will appeal to them, I will remind them that they have been left out in the cold by their god! I will offer financing, free software, rebates and continuation of the good life for these poor misled miscreants! My price: RENAME THE CONVENTION! Small enough, easy enough!"
How about:

BallmerWorld
VistaWorld
MSWorld
or my favorite ZuneWorld!

There is no way they can refuse, who in their right minds says NO to cash?
Dang I'm gooooood!

Y2K9 ZUNE - The Press Conference!

I knew I absolutely had to have a Y2k9 Press Conference this morning! Microsoft is being savaged all over the Internet and press! But I needed someone who could handle reporters out for blood, so we flew in our Al-Jezera Press Rep Muhamed Al-Shahaf. Dang! He's good! He said he would allow each major network only ONE question!
Here's a little bit of the transcript:

NBC: Microsoft has screwed up yet again?
Shahaf: Let me make this clear, so clear that that whore who sired you could understand! There was and is no probleem with the Zune! The Zune is a miracle! A blessing straight from the eternal temple of He who sits in the midst of the golden camels!
CBS: How do you explain Zunes all over the world all shutting down at the same time then sir?
Shahaf: Only an infidel would believe dis LIE! Yes the Zunes strategically reset themselves and went into self-improvement mode for 24 hours! Dis was not a bug! It was a feature! The Zunes needed a vacation! Does not the godless staff of CBS the same?
ABC: How do you explain then that initially even Mr Ballmer here apologised and said they would fix it?
Shahaf: Your tongue is not worthy to utter the name of one such as Steve Ballmer (Bless on him)! But I shall answer dis question! You see the Zune is the most sophisticated device ever created by man! It was programed with sooooo very many features that even the whole of Microsoft cannot remember them all! What other device that pretends to compete with the Zune has such a feature? A self-improvement-vacation day mode? NONE! None I tell you! You all should bow and kiss Mr Ballmer's naked unwashed feet and praise the fates that such a one as he even bothers to explain anyting at all to your most unworthy selves!
PBS: Are you kidding, do you really expect us to believe any of this propaganda?
Shahaf: What I cannot believe is that the sons of weasels at PBS of all networks would have the audacity to accuse any person of propaganda! Yes, yes I listen to that stuff you weasels sons urinate upon the airwaves! What Microsoft say, it says! What it says is the truth and I feel privileged of the Most High to be their new Information Officer! Shame upon you! Shame!
FOX: Uh, haven't we met before?
Shahaf: NO! I would never consort with pigs such as you-self! May all of those who question the Zune disembowel themselves at the gates of Redmond!

At that point, every reporter went stomping out of the room incensed!

As I stood there alone with the new MSIO I was speechless for a moment, I then pulled myself together, looked him in the eye and said excitedly, "That was amazing! Even I have never handled those sons of weasels so well!"

He stepped backwards, bowed himself before me and said, "I am thy servant oh most exalted one!"
When they rest of my staff saw my reaction they all bowed too!

I LIKE THIS GUY!