Saturday, February 28

Constant Vista Sorrows!


I'm watching OhBrother, Where Art Thou for the thirteenth time! I started to sing constant sorrows with them but it came out different:

I am a man of constant Vista sorrow
I have seen trouble and upgrades
I bid farewell to Windows XP
The OS where people want to stay

For two long years I've been sell'n Vista
No sales here on earth I've found
For in this world I'm bound to develop
I have no nerds to help me now

You may bury Vista in some deep valley
For many years where it may lay
Then you may learn to love Windows 7
While XP is sleeping in the grave

Maybe your friends think I'm just a monkey-boy
My face you'll ever see no more
But there is one promise that is given
Vista will meet you on God's golden shore ....

I almost teared up.

MS 3DMaker!


Just playing arround with MS 3DMaker.
Opps, you people have not got it yet. You will next year.

Friday, February 27

Dang! The InformationWeek People Understood me!

In his article; Decoding Steve: Microsoft's Ballmer Not Hard To Read, the writer, Mikey Hickins understood me. That can be dangerous!

"A lot of folks seemed to have gotten the wrong impression from Ballmer during his little chat with analysts yesterday morning. Some found him lacking in effervescence or ambition.

Yeah, he didn't scream, "developers, developers, developers!"

But that was probably just because he realized it would be unseemly to gloat about the fantastic opportunity the recession affords his company.

But the word "opportunity" came up over and over in his remarks.

The downturn couldn't have come at a better time for Microsoft; Ballmer freely admitted that Microsoft was starting to lose momentum in some key areas, like browsers, smartphones, and Windows. Now the recession will freeze everyone else in their tracks, giving Microsoft an opportunity to overcome gaps or re-establish dominance.

The closest Ballmer came to actually giggling was when he noted that the downturn was an opportunity to lay people off in some divisions so he could staff up in others. (Ballmer gets to increase headcount where he needs it without pissing off investors by, you know, increasing headcount when they want to see cuts. It's a little accounting trick that hurts no one except the people who get laid off.)"

NO XP TO WINDOWS 7!

I warned you people that there would be a price to pay if you tried skipping Vista then going to Windows 7!
That price? ... a Vista license!
I mean it's only fair, we made it, spent money on it, is it our fault that you wanted to skip it?

Rev. Michael Guido Dies at 92

Rev. Guido used to run his "Seed From The Sower" spots everywhere. When I was a kid I always stopped whatever I was doing to listen to his wisdom. Yeah I'm Jewish (sort'a) but I'm not close-minded.



Wednesday, February 25

tlhIngan Hol 'e' majatlh naDev

tlhIngan Hol 'e' majatlh naDev

The Klingon Developer Initiative Continues!

Egg THROWING FSB FANS! Target Apple!

I was greatly purturbed to learn that the NewYork Times had a picture of two moroms claiming to be fans of this blog, throwing eggs at the Apple store in New York! I issued a press release in response:

"A couple of my more rabbid supporters egged the Apple NY store! THEY WERE WRONG! I in no way, form or fashion support these type actions! Cut it out! While I understand their passion, still these actions are tootally inappropriate! Believe me, being egged is no picnic!"

I then went to my office and enjoyed the picture for a few hours.


I am not evil

Friday, February 20

Windows Seven To Use Klingon Protocols!

We said that we wanted "tougher" software!
The answer: The Ten Klingon Developer Rules!

10. Specifications are for the weak and timid! 

9. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! 

8. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! 

7. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases' Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake. 

6. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. 

5. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. 

4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment on his code! 

3. Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. 

2. You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon. 

1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

Now THAT will be tough software!

Thursday, February 19

Fight The Linux Temptation People!


My accountants reported to me today that we have lost yet another point of marketshare! Most going to that skanky whore Apple, but increasingly to that dressed up succubus of a Babylonian harlot Linux. I don't like this pattern people!
Linux is like "Easy-Cindy" back in tenth grade, available and free! BUT, afterwards you find that you are left with and unpleasant, itchy, painful, green-puss-filled, soft and sensitive reminder which just won't go away! It makes you go to some cheap, alley-dwelling doctor who takes $50 per penicillin (shot off the books), not even swabbing his needle, and it takes month to clear-up and stop scrathing!
(I just made all of that up) but you get my point!
Remember the Sirens from "Oh Brother Where Art Thou?" That is what Linux is like! It seems attractive, but in the end you are turned into a toad!

The Seinfeld Make-up!


After the Seinfeld commercial debacle there were some hard feelings, but he called and we went to the movies together, all is forgiven! I gave him a Zune on a gold chain, he gave me a Ballmer Action figure.
Yes, I know. I paid him for ten commercials, but only used three! But that's all water under the bridge now. After all it was only $10,000,000, I mean, I can blow that in just one weekend in Vegas or on a Congressman! The important thing is that we all just get along?
Follow my example people, find a friend who owes you a few million dollars and forgive him! It will make you feel so much better!

The Ultimate Zune Desktop!


The hot new thing for Zunist is making posters and pictures from my Flickr stream their Zune backdrop! Feel Free!
(Will not work on ipods and iPhumbs!)

Monday, February 16

You Missed Your Flight To See Steve Ballmer!


Maij Chow Hua got very upset when she found out that she just missed a flight to see me speak at a convention in San Francissico!
Now you know the whole story, her reaction seems more measured now, doesn't it?

Sunday, February 15

The FPB War Continues!

Fake Chuck Westfall has been sent a cease and desist order from Canon and their shister lawyers!

The war on fake bloggers continues!

How much merit there is to their case, I have no opinion. Why? Well I really am me not pretending to be Steve Ballmer pretending to not be me pretending to be me not pretending to be him pretending to be me!
However I do lament the decline of the art of the FPB (fake persona blog), so many have fallen by the wayside! Thank goodness that the original and undisputed best still rules! THIS BLOG shall ever stand!
Whoever Fake Chuck is I wish him good luck!

btw:
You all know that all of this has nothing to do with this fake guy! What it is really about is a test run for taking out the big Kahuna, ME! If they are successful at taking out yet another small fry they will become more emboldened to go after the ultimate challenge!
Google failed, Fake Steve Jobs failed, my people at Microsoft itself failed!
You guys don't stand a chance!

The Bill-Girl Rebellion!

Bill-Girl found the Geico Caveman actor who we suspect was the second egg thrower back in Hungaria! He says he's innocent and she apparently believes him. They look a little too chummy for me! :-(
See the whole sorted story: "The Hungarian Connection!"
You can see him leaning on the wall in the very back corner of the lecture hall in the video!
Or am I mistaken? You guys take a good look.

Bill told me that Bill-Girl is simply "in rebellion," he said "this kind'a stuff happens at that age, she's just sowing her wild oats!"
I was less understanding and responded, "but there is no excuse for hanging out with enemies of Microsoft, NONE!"

I can't fire her sine she is Bill's illegitimate love-child, but if she gets to close her step-dad may give her a good tongue-lashing!



I am not evil

Saturday, February 14

Rest of the World Learns About ZuneMart!

Readers of this blog knew that I intended to opem Microsoft Retail Outlets for a few months now! Those who don't are just beginning to put it together, poor things. They are soooo excited that I announced this, I even got an ex-Walmart executive to head the effort!

MetaData: Steve Ballmer Is Insane
Forbes, NY - Feb 13, 2009
In the worst economic environment since the Great Depression, the Microsoft (nasdaq: MSFT - news - people ) chief has given the OK to start opening retail ...
Dow Watch: Microsoft's Curious Plan TheStreet.com
Is Microsoft the new Apple? iTWire
Microsoft Starting Retail Stores to Rival Apple


ZuneMart Coming Your Way Baby!

Friday, February 13

$250,000 Reward For Hackers!

I Am A Man of Constant Sorrows!

I love this movie, so I will share with you:


Thursday, February 12

My Letter To Congress - Pass The Stimulus!

February 11, 2009

Dear Member of Congress:

Microsoft strongly supports passage of the conference agreement announced today between the House and Senate on the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 (H.R. 1), and I urge Congress to act now. We believe the final conference agreement will help families during this difficult economic time, create and save jobs, and begin to put our country back on the path toward long-term economic growth.

We are experiencing a once-in-a-lifetime economic crisis. However, this crisis also provides an opportunity to restart the economic engine, shore up our financial institutions, and rebuild investor and consumer confidence. Investing in people and our nation’s science and technology infrastructure will put us on the right path for the future.

This final package includes significant investments in human capital—in the citizens of our country. America is second-to-none in turning ideas into innovations. In today’s knowledge-driven world, innovation depends on workers who are technically sophisticated and have strong critical thinking skills. To succeed in the knowledge economy, our workers need access to ongoing education and training services. For the unemployed, new technical skills provide a new start up the economic ladder. We have to provide lifelong learning opportunities so everyone has the right skills as technology advances and the economy expands.

In the same way, it is critical for the U.S. government to make this long-term commitment to research and development (R&D), and to encourage private sector R&D that will propel our economy forward. This year alone, despite the tough economy, Microsoft will invest over $9 billion in R&D to help grow our business for the future, drive innovation across the industry, and help keep the U.S. at the forefront of emerging technologies.

The conference agreement includes critical government investment in our nation’s science and technology infrastructure. These investments will help extend the reach of broadband access to many communities and improve access for many citizens. The conference agreement also provides incentives to create jobs in green technology, alternative energy, bioengineering, and advanced computing and technological solutions that will help us address some of our most pressing challenges.

The agreement also promotes the adoption of information technology to transform healthcare. We believe information technology can help create a connected health system that delivers predictive, preventive, and personalized care—a system that will improve the health of Americans and help control healthcare spending. Government support for rapid adoption of information technology is essential and measurable outcomes are needed to help the Administration and Congress achieve the goals of increased access, lower healthcare costs, and improved quality of care.

I urge you to support the conference agreement and I look forward to working with you as you shape policies that will revitalize our economy and create long-term economic growth.

Sincerely,


Steven A. Ballmer
Chief Executive Officer
Microsoft Corporation

Wednesday, February 11

WWRS I

Tuesday, February 10

Don't Envoke The Wrath of Vista!


In an interview at an event to mark the extension of Microsoft's collaboration with EMC I warned IT organizations that they risk provoking an end user backlash if they don't move off the XP operating system.

"If you deploy a four or five-year old operating system today, most people will ask their boss why the heck they don't have the stuff they have at home, Vista 7 is a pretty good step forward in terms of what users care about. Enterprises that stick with Windows XP too long risk complaints from impatient users who have been using newer computers running Vista and Windows 7 at home! We will move directly from beta 1 of Windows 7 to release candidate, and we will issue discounted upgrade licenses to customers moving from Windows XP to Windows 7.
It's too early to start beating the big drum, but ease-of-use is a priority, particularly in some of the improvements made in Vista on security.
Compatibility issues have held Vista back. But they were a necessary evil in order for Vista to break new ground on security.
Our enterprise customers basically are pretty happy with what we did with Windows Vista, with one notable exception, which we needed to do to improve security, which was to break compatibility."

Monday, February 9

V7FA - The Beginning!


Most of you have read about my meeting with the Congressional Democratic Caucus. The sharper of you realise that the readers of this blog knew that I was going in this direction weeks ago when I let you in on my V7FA program. Vista 7 for all.
The idea being to convince Pelosi, Barnette Frank and Reid that everyone has a constitutional right to the majority OS!
People, if you believe you have a "right" to healthcare, to housing and food, then why not software? C'mon.
Once this concept is accepted the natural outgrowth of it will be that they should pay for it! We will give discount licenses and eventually other OS'es will be seen as "disruptive" and be declared illegal! In other words, "PARADISE!"

(We will also make mega mega mega bucks in the process.)


I am not evil

Friday, February 6

Why Blogoyevech?


Proposed forward to the Monkey-Boy Conspiracy:

"I have been friends with Stephanos for years, why I sold him his first mexican maid! His story of dealing with fake videos, lies, rumors and ridiculous accusations with strength and character has been an inspiration to me! This book has been my rock, my source of strength in trying times! Well written and throughly documented, this will go down ih the history of literature as a true true classic! I keep it next to my Bible!"
- R. Blogoyevech

Thursday, February 5

Everybody is Down on Rod!



You have a job with MS son!

Bill Gates, "Lord of the Flies!"

This from Fox News:

"Microsoft founder turned philanthropist Bill Gates released a glass full of mosquitoes at an elite technology conference to make a point about the deadly disease malaria.

"Malaria is spread by mosquitoes," Gates said while opening a jar onstage at the Technology, Entertainment, Design Conference — a gathering known to attract technology kings, politicians, and Hollywood stars.

"I brought some. Here I'll let them roam around. There is no reason only poor people should be infected."


I love this guy, he can really stage a stunt!
Half of the audience came out scratching! They won't forget his point for a while.
hmmmm
I have to think of a way to one up him at the next conference I speak at, hmmm, frogs? Lice? Rodents? let me think about it.

Wednesday, February 4

Meeting With The Yahoo She-CEO and Board!

Most of the media has no idea that I met with the Yahoo She-CEO and demasculinated Board of Directors.
This is how it happened:
After hearing that Yang had been thrown out, ruined, discredited and financially nutered (all terms for my continued negotiations) I finally decided to call them. The new She-CEO (her name eludes me right now) sounded very excited at the prospect of meeting with me and said, "we must announce it to the press and meet as soon as possible sir!" Well I NEVER let anyone even imply when they will meet with me! I tell you when and where, it's my policy. So I told her:
"No press baby! You and your thralls will meet with me in exactly one week! Midnight, in Orlando at the Holyland Experience Park, I have leased the entire park from midnight until 3:35 a.m. You will be on time!"
She said, "certainly sir! we will be there with bells on!"
I replied, "Certainly not! You will all wear tradition togas, sandals, headdress and wreaths is so desired! Our meeting will be held in the courtyard of Pontius Pilate's residence ... oh yes, come fasting!"
The Yahoo She-CEO sounded a little baffled, yet compliant (that's how I like women) and said, "it will be an honor sir!"

SO WE MET!

If you are wondering why, well, that's just the mood I was in and when I'm in a particular mood I don't question it! Neither should anybody else!

Tuesday, February 3

From Cleveland With Repentance!

Yang took the $6 and bus ticket to Cleveland, but he is not happy there. He begged one of my people there to send me this. Sorry Jerry, but a deal is a deal!
You just can't keep giving these people stuff! There is no telling what they will do with your money! I give to the shelter myself.

(Sorry Cleveland but the liberals there will take care of him for the rest of his miserable accursed Ballmer-rejecting life!)


I am not evil

Who Rules?

Sunday, February 1

Advertisers! - Still True!