The iStalker strikes again!

iJustine is still at it! Wheverver I go she seems to be one step ahead of my security team! She leaves a Ballmer Action figure just to let me know how smart she is.
Yesterday I had a root-canal appointment who Dr. Woo Donkgh Chou (we at MS never admit to having any medical problems, so this was a big secret). As my entourage pulled into the alley behind my dentist's office (avoiding popparatizzi) this is what we saw! My Blackwater guys want to catch her and pat her down more than ever now!

Power To The People!

Wired.com compared the "Free Fake Steve Ballmer Unjustly Deleted By Flickr" movement to the '60's radical movement! I liked that comparison, Angela was a friend of mine back when I spent one semester at Berkley! I even passed for Black!
Power to the people!

Fake Blog 101

Greg W. of Oral Roberts University sent me this one. He says they have started a "Fake Blog Sciences 101 class" - worth 4 credit hours! So far he's acing it!
If you have something simular send it in!

Releasing Your "Inner Fester"

My therapist convinced me not to be ashamed of being called "Uncle Fester"!
The iTards and that fake Steve Jobs guy started it, it was a term of derision, so I felt like I had to hide my adoration of the man. Well, no more!
I have realised that I actually do have an "inner Fester"! So do most of you.
You see Fester exemplified the struggle of the inner man's fascination with the strange, pain, explosives, the unusual, ... One cannot truly be liberated until one finds a way to express the Fester within! The actor who played Uncle Fester on the Adams Family, Jackie Coogan, found the perfect vehicle for expressing this part of the Psyche, thus was born Uncle Fester!
So, go ahead call me Fester! I wear it as a badge of honor!

Fester Trivia:
Did you know that Coogan was married to Betty Grable?
His grandson Keith played on television shows like The Waltons, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, Laverne and Shirley, Mork & Mindy, Eight is Enough and Knight Rider.
He was discovered by Charley Chaplin.

Say it loud people! I'm a Fester and I'm PROUD!

Free FSB Day at GDC!

I flew into the Game Developers Convention on Percy (my G5) this morning and they told me there would be a surprise this evening. I thought nothing of it because it's pretty hard to surprise me. ... But they did! They had a Free Fake Steve Ballmer Day! A massive slide show of what remaining pictures I have. I had to pretend I had no idea of who FSB was, my only response to them was, "This is interesting!"
They seem to think that I am actually me! Game Developers are a tough lot to fool!

ZuneCam Coming!

I was thinking last week when it occurred to me that we were trying to get into everything except cameras! I picked up the phone and called TOG (That Other Guy) since Ray-Oz is always on vacation somewhere, I said,

"Hey, TOG, why don't we make a camera? Everybody would buy one! We could come out with some proprietary graphics format to try to kill off that jpeg stuff!"
TOG: "Yes sir Mr. Ballmer!"
"Let's call the format jpeg XR"
TOG: "Yes sir Mr. Ballmer!"
"Give the camera some kinda' super lens and fuse it to a Zune!"
TOG: "I'm getting excited Mr. Ballmer!"
"I'm just a little ticked, do I have to think up everything around here?"
TOG: "Yes sir Mr. Ballmer!"
"Get the NtN's (Nasal toned Nerds) on it right now, form a few committees to spec and design it, float some rumors on the Internet and spend a few million on some desperate digital camera parts company!"
TOG: "Not a problem Mr. Ballmer, I'll start it off with some of the funds from the **DDSF account!"
"Oh, yeah, I won't remember any of this by tomorrow so zap me an e-mail for the records. bye."

Just after I hung up I thought about why we made TOG such a high level executive. He's a good sounding board, he challenges you, makes you think! I could really use a few hundred more like him.

**Discretionary Disinformation Slush Fund

The Macs Are Overpriced Interview!

ChrisP Banned!

I was slumming in the Microsoft basement where we keep the NtN's (Nasal-toned Nerds). One of them very uncharacteristically approached me and spoke,
"Sir Mista Ballmer sir, have you seen what Chris Pirillo has been saying about Vista on his blog, Mista Ballmer sir?"
The NtN was waving his hands, shivering, sweaty, ... I keenly perceived that whoever this Chris guy was, he must be pretty important to NtN's. I of course would never admit to one of these basementers that I had no idea who or what he was talking about, so I just barked, "Bring this guy up on the BIG SCREEN!"
I then calmly walked over to the balcony to see what had the NtN's so upset on the "BIG SCREEN" (the world's largest 1440" x900" plasma display).
NtN: "Sir, Mista Ballmer sir, Behold ChrisP!"They started showing some uber-nerb's podcast, he was panting, scratching, crying, flailing, hyperventilating as he wailed and railed about supposed deficiencies in Vista.
ChrisP: "... Windows Vista has let me down, you down, it just does not work, I went back to XP, Lord have mercy! Lord have mercy! ..."I raised my hand, the video feed stopped. I whispered to the nerd, "... and why is this clown important?"
The NtN looked at me in astonishment and shakily replied,
"He is ChrisP, the cyber-nerd, there is none greater sir. That is other than yourself and Mista Gates, sir, Mista Ballmer sir."
The NtN's glasses had fogged up, he was crying, I said jestingly, "That question was only a test of your knowledge boy!"
I laughed, he snorted, all of the NtN's started snorting!

I then raised both of my hands, all of the NtN's froze in breathless anticipation of what I would proclaim, and proclaim I did:

"Be it known this day that the once great cyber-nerd, Chris Pirillo, has become a heretic! BUT! Fear not! I shall personally contact him and bring him back into the light of Vista! Until such time all of his feeds, blogs, podcast, ... are hereby banned from these premises! So let it be written, so let it be done!"

All of the NtN's were relieved as they scurried about to erase every reference to this Chris person that they could find!
They applauded as I went back to the elevator.
I just hope I remember whatever it was that I told them I was going to do tomorrow, whatever.

Vista Chapel Church of Windows Doing Well!

It's been a while since I went to Vista Chapel, so I went to the Tuesday night dot-net study and choir rehearsal. I was surprised to see so many new converts! They were so excited to see me that they burst into a chorus of "Pretty Soon The Zune" and made me come up and lead it! We had one good time! I believe now more than ever that Mac and Linux people are salvageable! So far no backsliders! I say! No Backsliders! I say-ahhh No backsliders!
Opps I'm gett'n wound up here ....

IE8 - Net History! Educating the Masses!

Judge Says "Not Enough Proof!"

My favorite newest judge! Judge Prechman ruled against summary judgement against us in the Vista-Capable law suit!
She said, said that the court needed additional proof, despite the discovery of internal Microsoft communications from executives expressing concern about a decision to call certain computers "Vista Capable" even though they wouldn't be able to support some important Vista capabilities.

"Today, the Court adds that -- however relevant -- these communications do not establish that Microsoft's actions, as a matter of law, had a capacity to deceive a substantial portion of the public. ... Plaintiffs' summary of Microsoft's employees' thoughts on the WDDM requirement is relevant, but not conclusive as to what an average consumer might believe," the ruling reads.


I LOVE TECHNICALITIES!

Yes, I Said Macs Are Over Priced!

BusinessWeak interviewed me, the journalist asked me about Apple cutting into our marketshare, my response:

"Apple gained about one point, but now I think the tide has really turned back the other direction," according to TechFlash. I am referring to the fact that Mac sales dropped 16 percent in February, according to stats from market-researcher NPD Group.
The economy is helpful. Paying an extra $500 for a computer in this environment -- same piece of hardware -- paying $500 more to get a logo on it? I think that's a more challenging proposition for the average person than it used to be.

The interviewer, BusinessWeak editor-in-chief Stephen Adler, followed up by asking if I owned any Apple products myself. Perhaps a secret iPod?

"No, none. I don't, my sons don't, my wife doesn't", I responded, as the crowd laughed.

"You're talking to a guy, though, whose dad worked for Ford, and once Ford sold Land Rover and Jaguar, we're selling the cars to get Fords, so you may have a weird outlier in me."

Got My Priorities Right Bubba!

Dang! These folk down yahr are still celebrating! I know I should be in Redmond especially during the big IE8 launch and uber-nerd convention, but hey I just teleconference all that stuff in!
Shhhhhh! You guys are the only ones that know me n' Bill-Girl are really down in Savannah!
Oh yeah, download IE8! It works with most websites!
(The ones it breaks ain't no account anyways y'all.)

St Pat's In Savannah Ya'all!

Bill-Girl wanted to out do her brother, so she invited me down to Savannah to be on a float in their St. Patrick's Day Parade. I must say I was impressed! I had heard that these people were some crazy party people, but I had no idea! It also turned out that they absolutely love my blog down y'here! They will be party'n the whole week!

Um stay'n fo' a fuw dae's Y'all!

Can One Fake Blogger Make a Difference?

I got an e-mail from a despondent blogger the other day, they asked:

"Dang! I'm giving up! People just don't care any more! What's the use?
I mean, look at you; you are the ultimate example, the number one blogger in your division, the god (little g) of the FPB (Fake Persona Blog)!
Yet they just willie-nilly delete your music and thousands of contacts and comments and accolades on Virb!
They trash your Flickr stream which was without question one of the most unique, thought provoking, funny, inspiring and artistic streams ever! They did not warn you, they did not acknowledge you, reply to your inquiries as to why they did it! Despite the calls of thousands they remain deaf and dumb to the plight of the intellectually honest! Sir if they can do this to you, what chance does a guy like me stand?
Can one Fake Blogger Make a Difference?"

-Lonesome One at Wordpress


Lonesome One:
I must admit that even I once teetered on the edge of depression over the state of the FPB! Then out of the darkness they came! One by one, tens by tens, my friends from Flickr, the Zuners, xBoxPhreaks, Vista-fanboys, .... They said don't give in Stephanos! Don't give up! I replied:

"I hear you all.
But I have made up my mind that running from an oppressor is not the thing for me! What if Ghandi had run away? what if Dr. King had booked it to Scranton? What if Malcom had said "screw it! I'm marrying a white broad and moving to the Bahamas?"
All of them knew they were assassin's targets but they refused to be deterred from their course!
I will stand! By any means necessary!

ARE YOU WITH ME? "



I am not evil

The New Jersey "Free FSB Rally"! WOW!

Bill-Boy convinced me to come to New Jersey to speak to a "little rally" he had organized in support of the "Free Steve" movement. When I came out of my dressing room onto stage, I WAS SHOCKED!

.. When I got to the stage:

I was speechless for a little while, (that's quite an accomplishment). I looked around and saw some of the Flickr friends, a whole contingent of Zunist, Zunites, Zunophiles and Zunicrats, some xBoxers, hundreds of dorks, nerds and above-ground developers! There were comon-folk, cops, firemen, politicians, priest, Rabbis, Jehovahs witnesses, and the whole anti-Linux step team! (all of these people were hugging and high-fiv'n each other!)

My heart felt like it was going to burst as I realized that these people were all here for one reason; To Support Not Just Me, but free speech, individual expression, the constitution and the fake persona blog!

I was almost bowled over as "the Boss" Bruce Springsteen and his entire band appeared over the jumbotron:
"We are in Europs Stevo, but we are jamming for you and all you peeps, Zunist, Flickr dissedents. artist, bloggers and Vistacrats everywhere!"
They then played "Pretty Soon The Zune"!
Did we jam! Man Did WE JAM!

Then I cried.
When Bill-boy saw that I was not going to be able to pull myself together enough to speak, he came over, placed his hand on my shoulder and said, "That's ok Gapapa, we understand!"
The whole auditorium went up in a roar of cheers as a replica of the English throne came up through the floor and I was sat on it!

The rest of the night is a blur in my mind after that, but I think most of the crowd stayed until well after midnight!

God Bless You All!

The Free FSB Campaign!

"Every Great Movement Needs a Great Logo!"

My Godson Bill-boy in Jersey wrote me:

"Gadpapa, I want you to ask all of your supporters, fans, friends, .... to put this logo in their blogs, streams, emails, zunecast, websites, .... I read where soooo many of them asked how they could help you get all of your photos back. Well imagine if the Flickr-Cowards started seeing this pop-up everywhere! If nothing else it will be a symbol of unity against their censorship and despotism!
Every Great Movement Needs a Great Logo!"
- Bill-boy

C'mon people! Let's stand up as one! You may be next!
Add this to your stream! Fight the power baby!
Stop being a weenie, Join Today!

New Jersey REACTS!

The FSB flickrstream and blog fans of East Orange New Jersey too to the streets on Saturday! ! They said they are Fed-up with censorship and this is the straw that broke the camel's back!
The protest was spontaneously organized by my Godson Bill-boy who owns a few dozen pizzarias over there.

- I feel the love!

Art For The Masses

An extremely talented friend, Fransen, wrote a poem about how Yahoo/Flickr trashed my photos. I was moved:

Art For The Masses:

It seemed somewhat amazing to me,
How a company like Yahoo behaved,
Wiping out months of some fella's work,
And then claim that it just wasn't saved.

But in the very next instant they brag to the world,
Making claim that their service is best,
"Put your faith in us, we'll deliver the goods,
As our millions of clients attest."

Well I know a fella that disputes that avowal
He just doesn't consider it sure,
After his accounts were viciously trashed,
He calls it a "crock of manure."

I'm sure they were jealous of the thousands of fans,
Every posting he shared just a joke,
He kept us in stitches and laughed at the world,
While the economy went up in smoke.

Yahoo, you thought his art work just trash,
And deleted it all for good measure.
But you should remember, to many wise men,
One man's trash is another man's treasure.

So Yahoo, if you think I'm gonna buy,
Into your dumbed down rendition,
I won't be trusting my treasures to you,
Til you restore Steve's art exhibition.

Fransen (Lilwater)
March 2009

Stewedoysters.blogspot.com

The Microsoft Future!

CPAC! It was a Blast!

Did you people catch me the other day speaking at CPAC? I was the only Vistacrat on the rostrum, I really knocked 'em dead! Rush stormed out in protest when I called Mac users fools. (so thin skinned!)
Many of the conservatives did not like the fact that I called for the Congress to pass the Stimulus package before most of it was even read, but I had to before anyone read page 10,172 sub sect C where it reads,

"... all persons who qualify for EIC (Earned Income Credit) shall also recieve a coupon for a 50% discount on Microsoft's Vista or Windows 7 operating systems. Said discount to be funded from Item 344bV7FA.2c in the income equalization of Stimulus legislation. Estimated distribution 16,000,287 citizens..."

Vistacrats believe in what's best for Vista! Period.

Casino Puts Microsoft Surface to Work!

Harrah's has finished their pilot program of the Microsoft surface in several of their Bars and Casinos and the results were astonishing! The two most used specially designed applications used by patrons were "Flirt" which allows you two make crude passes at women across the bar or on other tables. "Mixologist" let's you design and mix your own alcoholic beverage. The study showed that revenue from drinks increased 15% and that men "scored" with strange women 22% more!
Harrah's is planning a full roll-out in all of their facilities!

Who'da figured that we would develop a product which notably increases public intoxication and adultery to such a degree?
Our lawyers say we cannot control what people do with our machines, we just make them work well!

I am not evil

Foto Fransen's Version:

A Flickr Fan, Foto Fransen sent me her version (I almost choked on my Mentos from laughing so hard) enjoy:

I choked up and sputtered... a poet you ain't my friend.... lol TRY THIS INSTEAD

Who’d have thought that Vista,
Could bring me to such grief,
Even constant upgrades,
Could not bring much relief.

XP I want to bid you go,
God speed you on your way,
Vista was to take your place,
But folks begged you to stay.

Flogging Vista all these months,
Has brought me naught but pain,
I paced and burned the midnight oil,
But nothing did I gain.

I dig a grave for Vista now,
Lift mournful eyes to heaven,
There are no nerds to intervene,
For I have Windows Seven.

Fransen