Kiludahj! Kiluuuuuuudahj!

I said to myself, "Enough cowering in fear! No more ducking, dodging, attack dogs, food tasters, ..... Darn it! I'm Steve Ballmer! Known and feared in every IT department the world over! I have been into martial arts for years and my coach Billy Blanks says my Tie-bow skills rival even his!"
So early this morning I dawned a Ninja style outfit, went out into the middle of the courtyard, bowed, assumed my Tie-bow fighting stance and yelled, "Kiludahj! Kiluuuuuuudahj! I know you are here somewhere! Come out! Come out and fight me like a man, like a Ninja! This day O' assassin of assassins one of us shall die with honor!"I stood there in fixed "death-wielder" position for a good ten minutes, no answer came. I smiled said to myself, "Kiludahj is wise to fear the ZuneMaster!"
As I turned to leave, suddenly there was a puff of smoke, stinky smoke, eye stinging smoke! I looked and there before me stood the Ninja assassin ... he bowed and said, "Die well Stephanos Anton Ballmerfeld!"
I smiled and said, "Sweet!"
As he reached for his sword, I yelled into my hidden lapel microphone "Fire! Fire! Fire!"
Kiludahj smiled and said, "Your six BWBG perimeter snipers are all unconscious, indisposed, knocked out, that is why it took me ten minutes to get to you. Say goodbye tongue!”
As he crouched to pounce upon me, his beeper went off! He looked annoyed, “Excuse me, I have to check this.” He checked, put his sword back, bowed to me and said, “Beloved Leader Kim Jong Il accepts the proposal of the lovely Bill-Girl! Die well some other day ZuneMaster Ballmer!”
Then POOF, he was gone!
A few minutes later the recovering BlackWater guys came down and asked “What happened?” I just said, “You guys should’a seen me in action!”

Card from a Ninja 2!

When I got in my armored limo this morning I found this on the seat!
I have trippled the BWBG's (BlackWater BodyGuards) and put the MS campus and the entirety of my estate on Virus Mode Security red level one! But still this guy leaves me cards at will!
This may actually be his weakness though! Ninjas never kill anyone without that person knowing exactly who by and why they are being killed! Me, I prefer to sneak up from behind and gut you from below!
I'm conflicted now! I don't want Bill-Girl to go to North Korea but I would also love to keep my tongue! It has served me well and I'm fondly attached to it.
What to do? What to do?
I'll just go on to work and throw some chairs at a few of the NtN's (Nasal-toned Nerds), that always clears my head and makes me feel better.

Bill-Girl In The Ladies Home Journal!

Bill-Girl was very upset the other day when she learned that I had almost started a nuclear war and now a Ninja Assassin was after me all over my refusal to give her over to The Beloved Leader Kim Jong Il. She just screamed at me, "It's my life, you should have let me choose whether or not to be a sex-slave to a meniacal dictator! ... and now he wants to kill you all over me?" Then she rushed out of my office muttering, "I'll take care of this myself!" I had no idea what she planned to do until my wife picked up "The Ladies Home Journal" early this morning.
I was Zunified to see that Bilidrea had gone public! She was offering herself to TBL Kim via the magazine! (She found out that he was a subscriber)
I immediately ZunePhoned her and angrily said, "I can handle my own killer Ninjas and zenophobic madman dictators young lady! Dang! I'm the freak'n CEO of Microsoft! I've seen a lot worse than this!" ... to no avail, she is as hard headed as her daddy Bill!

Card From A Ninja!

I made it back from North Korea no worse for wear and all seemed to be going well until I found this card on my desk this morning. This guy is obviously a professional, but why he thinks he can possiblly get through all of my security here at Microsoft Headquatrers is beyond me! Many have tried, all have been carted off!

.... Hey wait a minute, how did this get on my desk?

The DMZ Decision!

The Beloved Leader Kim Jong Il met me as I was leaving North Korea right at the border! He asked point blank, "What will it be Mr. Ballme, peace in the far east or your step-neice Bill-Girl? I will give up my Nukes, WMD's, support for terrorism, all for the love of Bill-girl!"
I wanted to say yes, but I had to say no, "I cannot give my lovely neice to a sick-o, demented, sociopathic Elvis impersonator! I tossed and turned about this all night, I just couldn't justify it!" Kim slumpped back in his lazyboy, he is very rarely told no and if I weren't over the South Korean line I wouldn't have either! I could tell he was ticked, he wouldn't even look at me! I still wanted to appease him, so I continued:
"Oh great Beloved Leader I am soooo sorry to dissapoint you! Tell you what, I will still get you Graceland, Elvises shoes, pink cadillac, and I know a guy who has a geniune vial of his sweat from the 'Elvis Returns Tour'. I will get all of this for you! No price, it is a gift! Just please don't have my plane shot down over international waters!"
Kim said softly in a muted tone, "I can't promise anything right now! Just get away from me before I lose control and blow up a couple of cities or something! D@%%#$ you Ballme!"
The security people rushed me out of the South door! DANG that integrity of mine! Most of the time I can override it, but when I don't .... GAWD! What a mess!
I'll get Graceland and all that stuff I promised shipped over ASAP! Maybe that will calm him down.

ICBM Negotiations With TBL Kim Jong Il

Early this morning, the Beloved Leader Kim sent several of his security people to my suite! They blindfolded me, put me in a limo and drove for 78 minutes. When I got out there was TBL Kim waiting for me alone in front of one of his secret ICBM's. I asked "what's going on here TBL?" He bowed and said, "Please excuse rudeness this morning, but I understand that you wanted to negotiate peace! You want I should shut down Nuklear ICBM program? Kim is ready to do! But Kim must have one thing!" I interupted (bad idea) "Yes, I know! ...and I can get you Graceland my Elvis loving friend!"
Kim looked surprised, "No, no, no! Graceland later! Kim want Billidrea Zunnetta Seisfield, you call Bill-Girl!"
I was shocked, I was zunified and confused, "But, but what do you want Bill-Girl for?" He paused, gave me a very strange smile, sighed and said, "You could not begin to imagine!" I was shaken, I asked "But what if she does not want to come?" He looked me in the eye and replied, "I have the untermost confidence in your powers of persuasion! If you can get people to buy Vista, you can do this thing!" He had a good point there.
As he turned to leave he said, " I give you six ICBM's, kill all scientist, recognize the south! All for the one you calls Bill-Girl! Tomorrow is your last day! I will meet you at the DMZ atrium for you answer!" Then I was blindfolded again and driven back to my hotel. DANG! This guy drives one hard bargain!

... any advice people?

Seranading An Armed Fake Elvis Nation!

My North Korean trip has taken a strange unexpected turn! The beloved leader Kim asked me to sing "In the Ghetto" to his country (answering no is not an option). There is only one station here and watching is mandatory so I litterally sang to all of them. As I sang in my state-provided outfit and wig, they played a slide show of pictures from the beloved's personal photoalbum (some were quite disturbing). When the show was over Kim embraced me and cried, he said "날 건드리지 내 동생". I must say, I was a little creeped-out but I did give one killer performance!

Pyonyang Update 2

My meeting with The Beloved Great Leader Kim went well! ofcourse there was a military parade first, followed by introductions to lots of funny smelling people's vice-leaders, then a huge buffet! (I loved the brazed eel!) The evening was capped by a rocket launch.
I've got to get some time alone with him to talk about that last one. But all in all it was one good time! I'm jet-lagged now.

The Peace Mission!

The North Korean Welcome Committee met me as I steped over the DMZ line into the NK-Atrium at the 34th parallel, I was impressed! The Beloved Leader Kim sent lots of flowers, his people say I will have an audience with him in Pyonyang. Every time they gave me a present I would do my Elvis "Thak yu vary much" and they would all errupt in laughter. I hope to do during this trip what no politician could do! Even if I have to buy Graceland and have it flown here piece by piece, because that's the price of peace!

The Kim Jong Il Factor!

A few years ago I met Kim Jong Il. He was nothing like I expected! I learned a lot from my short trip to NK. What most people don't seem to realise is that North Korea is an entire country of armed Elvis impersonators! Once you realise this truth, they begin to make more sense. I hadn't thought about those guys in quite a while until he sent me this picture the other day and a letter expressing his support for Free FSB. I told the CIA over and over how to apease these people, what they really want is "Graceland!" - A small price to pay to avoid neculear confrontation I think! btw: these guys can party!

Update:
I'm on Percy on my way over there right now. Five more hours to go, then four hours in customs on the South Korean side, then two hours of having all my stuff stolen on the North Korean side! I am wearing my outfit under my suit though! If they don't steal my cameras I will send pictures back!

FSB - Looking For YOU!

The Bill-Girl Portfolio

The whole Microsoft Lauren commercial thing has Bill-Girl pretty upset! She says that she sent her portfolio into Crispin Porter +Bogusky first and there was no reason whatsoever to pick some other redhead over her. She sent me a copy and is asking me to use my "clout" to get her an "I'm not cool enough to be a Mac person" ad of her own. I told her that I have sworn off interfering in our ads ever since I directed the now infamous "I'm a PC" and the "Seinfeld-Gates Looking for a Home" series. I do agree though that my lovely step-neice should have gotten the spot! I'm conflicted here, should I intervene or not? What do you guys think?

Best Commercials Ever!

Inspirational Poster 5

MESSAGE FOR THE SHE-CEO! It's a Wild World!

She knows what I mean!
(btw: That's me with the sandy locks playing accompanyment to Cat, it was a long time and a lot of hair ago!)

Yahoo, The Merger!

Oh the things I'll do for my company! - Carol Bartz (the Yahoo She-CEO) called me over to her flat to discuss a "merger", I kept telling her I'm a happily married man and could'nt come out in the middle of the night, but she said, "do you want a Yahoo contract or not?" So I told my wife I was going over to finish off the deal, she understood! A search contract with Yahoo was the most important thing! So I went over, we talked, agreed, then consumated the merger. During the signing my pen was steady. She throughly examined all of the MS assets and was pleased with the derivative count.

SongSmith! - Garageband Beware!

First Free Steve Ballmer Society Meeting

The first North-East Region meeting of "The Free Fake Steve Ballmer Society" took place earlier today!
I must say that the Flickr Contingent always amazes me! Thanks to the Zunist, Zunites, Zunophiles and Zunicrats, xBoxers and above-ground developers too! I explained our yet to go public project "Wide Swath" via tele-conference to them, everyone was quite enthusiastic! More to come ...
fakesteveballmer.blogspot.com

The Summoning!

This Flickr Stream is gaining influence, The FSB Blog is being rebuilt, Light has been shed upon the oppressive acts of Yahoo via their anti-FSB henchmen! The time is near my brothers and sistas'! We shall hue out our "Wide Swath!" Freedom shall be restored! Intellectuaul honesty shall no longer be abated! Artistic expression shall flow like the Chatahoochee River! Satire-haters shal retreat! The FSB Stream shall be restored! The people have had enough! We are not cattle (they make good burgers though)!
JOIN US! JOIN US! Can one Fake Blogger make a difference? Well we shall see!
This is the hill we die on! -- and we laugh in death's face! We shall clutch victory!
JOIN US! http://www.flickr.com/groups/freefsb/

Going to Cannes!

Finally! I am going to be recognized at the Cannes Festival on June 24! I will be hanging out with the "beautiful people", sipping lattes, topless tanning, diving in fountains and wearing my "rug"! All of you who missed the House of Blues trip, write in early for a spot on Percy (my G5). Beside my usual entourage I will have room for about a dozen fans! Check out the story - www.guardian.co.uk/media/2009/mar/30/microsoft-steve-ball...

Not Cool Enough to Be a Mac Person!

Let the cheapest product win baby!

The Bartz Date! Woo'n Yahoo!

I told NewsWeek last week: "I see a real opportunity for a deal. There is a fairly compelling set of economics that underpin a search partnership. When [Bartz] is ready, we will have a discussion."
After the Yahoo She-CEO Carol Bartz saw that she realised that the ball was in her court. She called me and aranged a meeting between just the two of us at PappaRozzios. We agreed that any content of our secret discussions would be totally off the record.
She got there early, I was fashionablly late. As I sat down, I noticed a microphone on the table, I said, "what's that?" She giggled and said, "Oh thats nothing, nothing at all, look, it does'nt even have a cord."
I wasn't convinced, "are you recording this conversation?" She answered indignantly, "of course not Stephanos! It's just that I speak into a microphone so much during my day that I just don't feel comfortable without one yah kno."
I understood that, so we continued.