Life With Bing!

After the Toronto Fake Blogger Festival, Bill Gate’s brother Bing approached me. (Yes, that is where we got the name of our new search engine). Bing invited me to his apartment, so I took my "Information Officer" Muhammad Al-Shahaf with me. We sat around half the night talking about blogs, search engines and food!
Bing seems to know more about food than anyone I have ever met.
I looked around his cramped apartment and candidly asked, "You still won't accept any money from your brother?" He mumbled about how he "worked for his money!"
I then had a great idea! I said to Bing, "I could use a man like you on my personal staff! You are uniquely qualified for the position too!"
He was suspicious, he asked, "I take no favors for being Bill's brother! What is this position you want to offer me?"
I smiled and said, "You will work security as my Food Taster! It only pays $145 an hour with no perks! You will have to rough it in the southeast cottage!"
Al-Shahaf said, "You are paying less than scale oh great one?"
Bing said, "I'll take it!" I told him to pack his stuff and get on Percy with us, Canada is nice, but I can only take so much.

Muhammad and I work together well, having Bill's brother on my staff should earn me some "brownie" points!

Toronto Fake Blogger Festival!- Surprise!

Bill-Girl came by the house and asked me to go to dinner with her in Toronto, so we fired up Percy and flew on up. I should have known she was up to something since I told her I'm on vacation yet she distrubed my solitude.
Boy was I surprised when we entered the Hilton Grand Ballroom! They were having their first ever Fake Blogger Festival! All (well, what looked like all) of the Canadians were there! I was moved!
They kept saying I just had to be there, the aplause lasted for several minutes! I was moved, I was choked up, I was hungry. All I'd had all day was just a salad and these Canadians wanted me to keynote? Well I never let my public down, let's just say I gave them a speech they won't soon forget!
I was so happy that I didn't even mind when they gave me a Ballmer-Tatta-head as a trophy! I forgive them, after all they are Canadians.
Just thought you guys would like to see this.

IT'S BING BABY! Yeeeawwwwhaaahh!

What do you use to search when you don't know what you are searching for?
BING BABY!
What helps you decide what you were searching for was inded taht?
BING BABY!
What engine shows you what you meant to see not what you wanted?
BING BABY!
What brand new search engine is gonna' kill the competition?
BING.COM BABY!

I'm hyped right now people! Here comes BING!

http://blogs.zdnet.com/BTL/?p=18822
http://www.internetnews.com/search/article.php/3822511

Cafe' DMZ

Surprisingly when Bill-Girl finally showed up at the DMZ 34th parallel she was actually escorted by The Beloved Leader Kim Jong Il. We all went over to Cafe' DMZ. I was confused, I asked Kim, "Hey! Didn't you just get through kidnapping my niece, threatening genocide, trying to steal Microsoft from me, plotting to kill me twice and double-crossing the Illuminatti?" He just looked at me like I was stupid and said "Why, yes I did!" I paused, thought about it and said, "Masterfully done! I beat you out though!"
He bowed and said, "There is no dishonor in being defeated by the Master of the Zune!" I bowed in reply.
Bill-Girl hugged both Peewee and I and said, "he had me fooled too uncle Steve, Kim is good! Can't we use someone like him as a 'Secret Consultant' at Microsoft?"
I smiled and said, "Just what I was thinking!" I looked at TBL, "How about it Mr. dictator? I could use a man with nukes and a strangle-hold over an entire country!"
The Beloved Leader uncharacteristically smiled and said, "Kim is honored to be 'Secret Consultant'! Together we dominate world!"
I laughed and said, "I already do that, but there are still a few pockets of resistance!"
We high fived!
This may be the start of a beautiful friendship!

Victory!

As I entered the stadium with Peewee we were booed by the crowd, but that did not bother me nearly as much as knowing I had been played by the Beloved Leader Kim Jong Il! I got angrier and angrier! But, I had my game plan, I told my partner,
"Peewee, you stay outside the ropes! Draw KorKonga's attention away from me! Taunt him, do your little dance, make faces... I need to get behind him!"
He was quite relieved and happy that he did not have to get in.
When the bell rang the crowd roared and Peewee started doing his thing, the entire crowd was transfixed by it! I got down and did my "Ballmer sneaky-walk" around the ring and climbed up onto the ropes behind the giant! I jumped onto his back and latched onto his head with my patented "Control-Alt-Delete Sleeper hold!"
Peewee then ramped up his act and KorKonga started ignoring me and laughing. After about 30 seconds the giant started to become disoriented, flailing his arms and spinning, but I just hung on for dear life! He then fell to his knees, then BOOM! He went down like an Oak tree!
The crowd was in shock as Peewee and I climbed atop KorKonga and raised our arms in victory! The referee and TBL Kim came running into the ring, they were speechless! After a minute Kim looked at us and grudgingly announced, "Bill-Girl is yours! She will meet you at the DMZ! Be out of my country in twelve hours!"
As we dismounted KorKonga I whispered to Peewee, "Let's move son, that chloroform I dosed him with wears off in a few minutes!"
VICTORY IS SWEET PEOPLE!

The Final Card!

I got this special delivery this morning!
Turns out that Kim is craftier than I ever gave him credit for! He reeled me in, his plan was simple, elegant and ingenous!
DANG!

People's Committeee For the Retention of Bill-Girl Disbanded

The Beloved Leader Kim Jong Il went on NKTV1 this morning and announced that he was officially disbanding the PCFRBG (People's Committee For The Retention of Bill-Girl). He said:

"The most professional committee of the people's ministers will no longer be needed since the capitalist Ballmer has demanded Mediation by Combat! The winner shall take all! If Mr. Ballmer and his partner PeeWee win (laughter broke out) Bill-Girl shall go back to the United States with them, no manner of revenge shall be performed! However, when the People's Champion KorKonga wins, what is left of these two shall be sent to work for the rest of their brief lives in the western phosphor mines and I will be given all of Ballmer's assets and his position as CEO of Microsoft, a company I have always admired!"

The entire committee stood and applauded for some time.
(hmmmmm ... This guy is gooooood! Is it possible that he was never really that much into Bill-Girl and this was his plan all the while? If so I applaud him too!)

Plan 0mega Revealed!

My researchers told me in my prep sessions before coming back to North Korea that The Beloved Leader would be honor bound to accept "Mediation By Combat!" So, with the Free Bill-Girl Committee falling apart and losing ground, I decided that MBC (Plan Omega) was all I had left! I chalenged Kim on Korean TV, he accepted and said that I could even have PeeWee as a partner against the "People's Champion" KorKonga!
He said, "I arrange a promotional meeting! Come in your wrestling gear, we will need 'before' pictures!"
A few hours later we were taken to the People's Sports Center to meet this KorKonga, I felt pretty good about the two on one odds, then I saw him!
All I could do was stare and drool, Peewee just kept crouching and smiling, he kept mumbling, "he can't reach me waaay down here!"
I expected to go up against some 5' Korean guy! This may not be as easy as I thought!
Fight is Sunday Night! Stay tuned! ... any suggestions people?

Plan Omega! The Movie?

My fans in Hong Kong have already made up a movie-Poster of this whole North Korea thing! I really like it!

The Desertion!

Today was not a good day! The first thing this morning Barak, Prince Fahid, Margret Thatcher, and Elvis Costello called a press conference. President Obama read the factions official position:

"We, the group of four, members of the Free Bill-Girl Committee have decided to return to our respective countries and duties! We guided by our own conciouses have found no cause for action here against the Beloved Leader Kim Jong Il nor any person in his Eden-like land of North Korea! The trip has been pivitol in enhancing our mutual understanding of this great people's culture and why they so love and revere Billidrea Zunetta Seisfeld and TBL Kim! The remaining committe members shall remain and debate and negotiate until all their doubts are also satisfied. ... By the way, Kim has promised to cease plutonium production as long as Bill-Girl remains in this great country!"

I have just lost some capitol! I'm gonna' have to go to plan Omega now!

Evidence against us!

The negotiations with the PCFRBG are not going well! Their first piece of evidence was this beautiful shot of Bill-Girl in all of her Divatific glory! They asked Peewee and John Edwards. "Does she look unhappy to you capitolist?" They just drooled and responded, "we need to see her, speak to her and examine her for ourselves, in private!" They screamed in unison "NEVER!"
Lady Thatcher raised her hand to speak, then one of the security guards hit her with a rifle butt and shouted, "Women cannot adress the PCFRBG! Whisper it to a man!" She apologised for her ignorance of proper protocol.
Berloskoni stood up and shouted, "Italy demands they right to cross examine Bill-Girl!" He was led out a side door (that was the last we saw of him).
The Bond clone kept intermitently saying, "shaken not stirred!" The NK's would all applaud, we did too.
Barak just kept leaving the room whenever his Blackberry would beep him.
There was complete silence from both sides for several minutes. I decided to break the silence, I stood and asked, "Who has seen O' Brother Where Art Thou?" Suddenly, everyone on both sides chimed in! The NK's are big fans of that flick, we all talked about it for hours, especially the "we thought you was a toad' part.
They are about to "power down" the country, we will reconvene tomorrow.

TBL Negotiations!

We have made it into Pongyang! So far so good! My Illuminatti backers have convinced The Beloved Leader Kim Jong Il to negotiate the release of Bill-Girl rather than just killing us all! So he decided to make it a national thing on the North Korean television station (there's only one). The entire FBG Committe was there. Some felt a little uneasy with so many machine gun packing Elvis impersonators all over the building guarding Kim, but I assured them that "... you get used to it after a while and it's like they are not even there."
Kim started off the talks by shaking my hand and apologising for sending a Ninja assassin to cut my tongue out, he said, "... I most sorry for this unpleasantness, I will try not to do it again! But, you must understand Stepohanos, that telling me no is just not an option in my country, it is a part of our culture!"
I did the coustomary bow and accepted his most gracious apology. Kim then raised his hands and said, "let the talks begin!" The hall errupted in applause. Kim then said, "I must go now, my 'People's Committee For the Retention of Bill-Girl' will carry on with the negotiations, they speak for me, they speak for the peoples of North Korea!" Once again thunderous applause!
Kim then exited the building and we sat down with his delegation, I hope these guys don't already have their minds made up!

Meet The Team!

I have to give it to these Illuminatti guys, they have their act together! On the way to NorthKorea, Percy (my G5) made several stops and picked up eleven more "brethern" to form the Free Bill-Girl committee. As we crossed the Pacific we realized that each of us were specially chosen for our particular talents and Kim Jong Il admired each!
Once we were in the Seoul Airport, we decided to take a group portrait to commeorate the occaision. Our local contacts told us we were scheduled to cross the 34th parallel and have a meeting with The Beloved Leader Kim Jong Il in exactly two days.
The more mission breifings we go over the more confident I feel about this whole thing! How could Kim resist such an influential group? ... Well he could just have us all executed, however, the chances of that are minimal.
... gotta' go, Peewee and John Edwards are fighting over Lady Thacher (C) again ... those two just won't share!

Official Illuminatti Trainee!

Congratulate me! I am now an official Illuminatti Trainee! They were fascinated by the North Korean delima with Bill-Girl! They told me that TBL Kim was a rogue Level B Illuminatti officer who was "off the farm!" Several on the GrandMaster Committee were sympathetic, their instructions to me: "Go to North Korea, some of our people will meet you there, and with our backing you will face down Kim! Even he will respect and fear the wishes of a brother Illuminatti!"
If there are any other MIWD's (Multibillionaire Illuminatti World-Dominators) out there reading this you can join us too! Percy (my G5) is fueling even as we speak!

Power Behind The Power!

I'm getting desperate! There is only one organization on Earth powerful enough to extracate Bill-Girl from the clutches of The Beloved Leader Kim Jong Il! It's the power behind the powers, the people who really run things, the movers, shakers, guys in the shadows controling commerce, laws, detante, foreign relations, cover-ups, religions, masacres, weapons sales, oil ... Bill Gates (a charter member) says they are even working on time travel! Yes! I'm talking about "The Illuminati!"
If you have never heard of them, you are lucky! If you have you are labeled a wacko!
They have been trying to get me to join for years now! I'm sure they can help with TBL Kim, so I have flown to "The Temple" (in an undisclosed world capitol) for my membership interview. I didn't know what to expect so I asked Bill Clinton for tips, (every time I call him he is maoning) he said, "Bubba, jes do your best Nixon, talk big, take no prisoners, keep mentioning the need for a New World Order and dress up like some misterious Mason or sumtin, oh, oh, I gotta go!"
He gives the best advice! Wish me luck!

A Message From Bill Gates!

Hello Tatta-Head! This is Bill! I hacked my way into your little Flackr and Blogspot accounts here to leave you a little message!
I have been following your progress in trying to get my Billidrea back from that nutcase The Beloved Leader Kim! You tried DreamInvader out on him? That was pretty lame! I could have told you that one wasn't gonna' work! Gawd boy! Didn't I teach you anything?
You had better get serious about getting my baby back soon!
I was missing Bill-Girl, so I went to her old classroom on level -8. I found a few of her old toys. At first I cried a little, but then I started to get mad with yo' punk behind! You blackmailed your way all the way to the top at Microsoft, but I want to warn you that NOTHING you have on me is gonna' be able to protect you from me and my people if you don't have my BG back real soon! Are you feel'n me son? If you thought that Ninja being after your tounge was bad, just wait n' see what parts I'm going to "jerk off" if my illegit-baby isn't bugging me for mo' money real soon!
Like I told you when I gave you the reins at Microsoft, "GET THE JOB DONE BOY!!!!" - Bill

Kim Jong Il Dreams!

Well! That was unexpected! We fired up the DreamInvader Satellite and beamed a nightmare directly into Kim Jong Il's brain as he slept! But, it turns out that Kim is so demented that he actually enjoys nightmares! As a matter of fact after a short while he was dominating, killing and terrorizing all of the ghoulish characters! He started out by torturing Freddy Kruger until he begged for mercy! The higher we ramped up the horor the more powerful Kim became in the nightmare! Kim never had such a good time! What was meant to scare and disturb him into releasing Bill-Girl has only fed his narcisistic rage and bloodlust!
The Subterranean Nasal-toned Nerds gasped in revulsion, many fainted, hours later they are all depressed! Kim had a profound effect on them too!
DANG! DANG! DANG IT!
This guy is getting to me too!

Project DreamInvader!

When I realised that I had forgotten about Project DreamInvader (A weapons system we are secretly working on for the NSA on level -32) I hit myself in the head! I got in the elevator and went down there. (Most Microsoft employees think -30 is the bottom floor, I can't tell you what's on -31!)
I told the SNtN's (Subterranean Nasal-toned Nerds) who live down there, "Gentlemen, tonight is no test! Target, Kim Jong Il! Clearance Ballmer Z1a777! Do your worst!"
As the SNtN's scrambled to compile several appropriate nightmares, the LSC -Level Safety Consultant gave me this warning:
"Sir, it is my duty to warn you that this system uses microwave patterning technology which mimics brainwave patterns! The presentations created here are uploaded to Satellite DI-1, converted to pattern and targeted at persons terresterial! The targeted persons once in rimm sleep experience the presentation as powerful nightmares! The Surgeon General has concluded that prolonged exposure to this process can cook the cerebellum and has yet to be throughly tested on human subjects! However, brain-damage should be expected over time!"
I looked at him and said, "Is Kim asleep yet?"
He replied, "No sir, it will be several hours."
I said, "Good, break out a video camera, I'm making a personal cameo in this one!"
This is gonna' be gooood!

Breaking The News to Bill!

How do you tell the world's richest man (who is your best friend and former boss and mentor) that you are the fake blogger pretending to be you, - that you went to North Korea and nearly started a nuclear war with the Elvis impersonators, - that a mad Dictator has his illegitimate daughter (for whom you are legal guardian) who went there to save you from a Ninja assassin, - That The Beloved Leader Kim Jong Il thinks he is in love with her, - that she has been brainwashed into being the diva of that totalitarian society - and that you have no good plan for getting her back other than sending mercenaries or going yourself and begging the evil world threatening maniac to let her go?
Well the way I did it was with pictures!
I ZunePhoned Bill and told him I was sending him a message via the Zunenet to his WindowsWalls room. When he went in he instantaneously saw my entire stream and heard my explanation! I think he took it pretty well!
Just before he passed out (the second time) he screamed, "You get my Bill-Girl back Tatta'head!"
-Geez! That was uncalled for! He knows I hate it when he calls me that!

Noth Korea's Top Model!

I had become very concerned about just how Bill-Girl was being treated by that sicko dictator The Beloved Leader Kim Jong Il. I was putting the finishing touches on my hand-picked squad of mercenary Seals, when Bill-Girl sent me this photo! She says:

"Uncle Steve: The Beloved Leader on whom the Sun rises and sets has been soooo good to me! He is giving me what I have always wanted, popularity, red carpets, adoring fans (by law!), This place is just so wonderful! It's true that Kim is a little ... well ... errr... he likes ummmm ...... it's kinda personal and disgusting! But during the day he makes me feel like the beautiful woman I have always been. I know you must have some type plan to 'rescue' me by now, but Kimlvis assures me I am free to leave any time I like! I stay for my fans! So don't send the Horde, marines, hackers, samarri Zuners or whoever! Don't blow this for me! You wouldn't want to see Kim REALLY mad! -Billidrea (Bill-Girl)"

I showed this to the company shrink, he said, "Classic brainwashing sir! Kim is the master of it!"
I don't know though, I'm putting the team on hold. Looks like I'll have to go see for my self! But first I have to tell her dad Bill what's going on and see what he wants to do.

Bill-Girl In North Korea!

By the time my would-be assassin Ninja and I got the message that The Beloved Leader Kim Jong Il had accepted Bill-Girl's offer of her freedom for my life she was already more than half way to Poyang NK! It was already to late to stop her. TBL has already sent me a picture of them together and I'm thinking that maybe I misjudged the whole situation. Bill-Girl seems to be having a great time in the photo. Who am I to judge our cultural differences? When I saw this shot, the first thing I thought was that it reminded me of some of my old honeymoon photos.
hmmm, that mercenary seal-team rescue plan I was formulating may not be necessary after all! Whaddaya guys think?