The NBC Interview

I came on that NBC "News show" to talk about Bing.com, the rise of the Zune and my Man of the year award, but naturally being NBC the whole thing was a trap! I found myself sitting between Hellary and John "cheat on my dieing wife" Edwards, in other words, I was in hell!
Of course we only got around to talking about Bing when Hellary suggested a "search engine tax. " The proceeds of which she said "would go to correcting the ecological damage to the Earth caused by search engines."
Edwards argued that the Earth could only be "healed" by an "iPod/Zune/iPhone tax." He said that it would repair the "Technology Rift" in the Cro-zone layer, a phenomena recently discovered by Latvian Scientist.
When I said that neither problem really existed they both accused me of being an uncaring industrialist who should be taxed for not caring about the Earth! At that point they both started ignoring me. No matter what I did they paid no attention! I started making faces, mussing John's hair, making tiger like motions at Ms Clinton. I was just ignored!
When will I ever learn not to go on NBC? Sheesh!

Goodnight Michael and Farrah!

This last evening of the Cannes Lions Advertising Festival we all got the shocking news of the death of the "King of Pop" Michael Jackson! This has totally bummed me out! I was flying pretty high, I was named the Advertising Man of the Year, bing is doing Zunetastic, stock is up, .... but the death of muh' man Jacko has got me down!
I remember back in college when I used to go to his concerts, I would moonwalk all the way back to the dorms, I even still have my sequined socks!
Jacko meant a lot to me, he was part of my growing up, I played his music in my band.
We will all miss you Michael! Say hello to Billy Jean and Farrah for me.

PostCard From Cannes!

Michael Jackson Rest In Peace!

I am moved right now, all I can do is sit back and listen to all of my old Jackson 5 albums.

The Gambler!

Some of the "MEdia" out there are beginning to say:
"Ballmer, Betting The Farm On Bing!" "Ballmer, Gambling MS Future!" "Ballmer's Zuney Risk!"
Well to all of the "MEdia" I say, "Eat my stained shorts!"
Of course I'm taking a risk with Bing! With ZuneHD! With Vista7! .... So what?
Getting up in the morning and going to brush your teeth is a risk!
Taking a shower is a risk!
Going out to the Helipad and getting on your private chopper to the office is a risk!
Eating a bagel is a risk!
Telling all of the anti-virus companies to kiss off is a risk!
Getting on the elevator and descending to basement level -14 to confer with the subterranean Iraqi developers is a risk!
Saying that the xBox is 'fixed' is a risk!
Dang!
Just turning on your computer and connecting to the internet when there are 876,484 viri each with a dozen strains targeting Windows waiting for you is a risk!"

Only losers avoid risk people!
So I say, "ALL IN!"

Father's Day 2009

I took it easy for Father's day and later in the day decided to take my angel Zunedette for a bicycle ride through the park. We had a great time!
Hope you all had a great day too!

Stephanos Anton Ballmerfeld

Huck at VCCOW!

Sourthern Baptist Preacher, Politician, TV Commentator ... Governor Mike Huckabee stopped in at Vista Chapel Church of Windows (Zunemaster Steve Ballmer, founder). I was not there but Brother Bill-Boy presented him with an original Zune-Holographic Ad Poster to commemorate the event. (Huckabee wept)
Huckabee let it be known that he would be willing to preside over the Arkansas diocese if we needed help there, but we sadly had to inform him that the Redmond WA Temple was as far as VCCOW had grown thus far but we appreciated the offer.
Sorry people but there can only be one Vista Chapel COW (Saving Cyberspace One Program at a Time!) However you can make your pilgrimage to Redmond any time you like! We welcome nerds from all over the world every week!

At Vista Chapel we believe in the power of Vista, the second coming of the Zune, and the infalibility of MS management!

Not Enough!

You guys may have heard in the media today that I said the Microsoft will commit up to 10% of it's profits to developing our search and web resources, the key component being Bing.com. Why they think this is such a big deal is a mystery to me; I'm only talking about 2-3 billion dollars a year. What they should be asking is, "What does Steve plan to do with the other 90%?"
Well, just let me say it this way, "There's more stuff out there than the internet!"
I'm talking: Theme Parks (VistaWorld anybody?), Circuses, computerized furniture stores, Casinos, Malls, Toys, Food, Health spas like my personal one back at the office where I am WELL attended to!
Think BIGGER people! The Internet is not enough!

Identity!

Several of you have asked recently, "Who are you really?"
All I can say is, "Who are you really?"
Almost none of you use your real names, addresses, .... you seem to assume an altered personality online. Heck, who is anybody?
The classic statement of identity that is the trademarked on my blog is:
"I am not Steve Ballmer pretending not to be me!"
Many are still confused, so I thought, "how do ordinary people identify themselves?"
The answer? Ninety percent of the time with a driver's license!
So for those who just have to know, here ya go! .... and that solves that!

CELEBRATE!

I started the FakeSteveBallmer blog on June 1, 2007! ... Looking at my overall statistics today, I and the few people on my personal staff who know about it realised that today the blog passed over 1 Million unique Visitor visits! WE PARTIED!
I have personally never paid too much attention to the statistics on the blog. All I know is that it is #1 in the Fake Persona Blog catagory. It is the #4 result on a bing.com search for "Ballmer".
What I really care about is that the blog considered to be the voice of technology truth for thousands of the more intelligent souls on the internet.
FSB - Over 1,000,000 served!

Me and my Good Buddy Chris!

I was on the debut of the "Zunetta Show" tonight, it was fun. Those of you who live outside of Seattle would not have seen it since it only airs locally.
When waiting backstage I spoke to some of the other guest including Chris Rock! He introduced himself to me but I said "Everybody Loves Chris!" He smiled. He looked at me and said, "you are that Microsoft guy right?" I laughed! This guy is funny. I said, "No, I am THE Microsoft Guy!"
He looked at me all serious like and said, "I got this problem with my PC laptop! The thing just keeps crashing, and crashing, and crashing ... it's driving me crazy! I don't get the Internet, I get the intersweat! It's out in the limo, could you and yo boys here work some of yo $#|t on it?"
I almost doubled over laughing, "you are sooo funny, this routine is great!"
He said, "Hey man, I'm serious here! Cut a brotha' some slack!"
At that, my entire entourage started laughing, I said, "Stop it! Stop it! you are kill'n me! My side is hurting! hahaha...."
He then did this fake 'really annoyed' look at me, raising his voice like he was mad, he growled, "What's wrong with you people? This crap you sell Mr. Microsoft Guy, it's kill'n me! I cain't do nutin' on it!"
At that point I was tearing, wheezing for breath and laughing hysterically, all of my people were!
He shook his head, screamed and went stomping out of the building, we all watched as he got to his limo, smashed his laptop to pieces, got in then speed off!
That guy takes a joke all the way! I was barely able to compose myself before going on stage.

The Billboard!

I had my driver pull over so I could take a picture of this billboard this morning!
My parishioners wanted me to be surprised when I saw it, and I guarantee I was! It was sooo beautiful! Of course when I got to Vista Temple, the parking lot was already overflowing (and I was an hour early). The service was hot as a Packard Bell power supply! The choir sang "Code Me Up!" Sistah Bill-Girl testified about being DELIVERED from the clutches of The Beloved Leader Kim Jong Ill. The members all uploaded a tithe of their coding for the month.
Yes sir brutha!
When I mounted the pulpit (literally) I let them have the Word of Bing!
I walked the aisles! The amen’s shook the rafters!
Twenty-nine XP Backsliders came back to Vista!
Four Mac Users were converted!
One Linux-guy fell out under the powa'!
Come on down to Redmond and fellowship with us! ALL ARE WELCOME!

Lesson of the Zune

Bing is the Thing! Yeah ....

I wanna' JAM!

Bing is the thing! yeah, Bing is the thing! yeah, Bing is the thing!...
C'mon! Flow with me people!
Bing is the thing! yeah, Bing is the thing! yeah, Bing is the thing!...

Bing is the Thing!

WWDC Showing Intelligence? WOW!

I was watching the Worldwide Developers Conference (an Apple thing) and was as usual totally unimpressed until about half way through. When the guy with his shirttail out did a tribute to the Free Fake Steve Ballmer Movement! I was blown away! I was flabbergasted! I was totally Zunified!
Who would have thunk that Mac People would appreciate the struggle against creative tyranny? I didn't even think there were any decent graphics programs that ran on these people's toy-candy colored-wanna-be OS! (I guess they still run Photoshop 2.1 or something or possibly GIMP? Ewe!)
In any case I will give credit where credit is due and thank this small sub-set of a sub-set of a minority of computer users for their support. You people surprise me!

A Thank You Card From Bill-Girl

Showing the Zune HD!

I decided to give a few select freinds a preview of the Zune HD in my private suite at the "All Things D" Conference, They were impressed! My Information Officer Shahaf proclaimed to one and all:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we at Microsoft declare that the dogs at Apple are this day nothing more than fecees upon the floor! They grovel at Mr. Ballmers feet! They quiver in fear and disembowel themselves at the gates of Redmond! The ZuneHD shall arrive and soon at that! All who have spoken against or ever doubted Ballmer the great shall eat the dust of his feet!"
Shahaf is a little "colorful" in his rhetoric, but I like it!
Microsoft! On a roooooll baby!

Moving Overseas!

Bing Press Conference! Bing is the Thing!

In ONE DAY! Bing.com rivals Yahoo and is headed into Google territory! WOW!
As I entered the Microsoft Campus Atrium this morning with Bing Gates (my new food taster) I was swamped by reporters, papparattizzi, astrologers, last day prognosticators, editors, anchormen, technologist, pre-millenialist, soothsayers and alien-hunters! They all wanted to know how I felt about the whopping over-night success of Bing.com
I usually say nothing to the press directly anymore since I hired Muhamad Al-Shahaf as my information Minister, but this was an unusual occaision; a success!
They all stopped shouting their questions as I raised one finger (now that is power)!
I proclaimed:
"People I told you from the beginning and I tell you again, Microsoft is the BIG DOG on the internet! All of that other Gaggle, Gurble, Gumbel, Gumbo ... whatever! All that was just a tempoary lull in the march of fate! We shall be #1!"
A large contengent of MS employees had by this time surrounded the reporters surrounding me, they started chanting, "We're #1! We're #1! We're #1! ...."
I held up my finger again, there was silence! I then started chanting, "Bing is the thing! Bing is the thing! ....." All of the other MS staffers joined in, it spread across the entire campus! It went live over the air waves! It rocked the city! "bing is the thing! Bing is the thing! Bing is the thing! ........"
Yeah Baby!

Kwai Chang Caine! The Butterfly Flies Away!

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I sat, watched, studied, .... Kung Fu. David Carradine was a hero of mine and I am deminished to know that he is gone.

All I can say is,

"Butterfly, take thy flight, the night is dark and the day is gone, Butterfly take thy flight!"

Bing! The Commercial!

Bing's BIG start!

Our new search engine, bing, is really turning some heads! Right now it's unavailable to you people because we are working out a few "bugs" but it won't be too long.
Check out the demos:
bing.com
Search Right!

I HATE THIS ONE!

Zune HD Coming SOON!

Are you ready people? Throw away those iPods, iPhones, .... the real thing is coming!

CHECK IT OUT!