BingHoo Begins!

I love it when an intricate, fiendish plan comes together!
Here is the She-CEO of Yahoo (Carol Bats) and myself signing the final agreement to give Microsoft control over the entire backend for Yahoo’s entire search! Yahoo will handle ads, marketing, hosting and all that kinda' crap, but we will be the ones in charge of the main product, SEARCH! I was so happy as I was signing this that I almost ... well, I was happy!
The She-CEO tried to put a good spin on Yahoo's surrender, she said,
"We never really liked search anyways! We are letting these people handle that stuff while we pursue the cool stuff ya'know!"
Miss Bats, have you ever heard of a Puppet master?
Oh well, it has been a VERY good week here at Microsoft! Very good indeed!
(In the meanwhile, the man who opposed me at Yahoo (The Vagrant Yang) continues to marinate in his own feecees on the streets of Redmond!
www.flickr.com/photos/ballmerrockz/3741197526/
Let him be a lesson to all!


www.wired.com/epicenter/2009/07/yahoo-gives-up/
www.kansascity.com/business/story/1353873.html
www.techcrunch.com/2009/07/29/bartz-on-bing-seearch-deal-...

Icewater in Hell!

I had some of my engineers look into what would actually happen if you gave a glass of ice water to someone in hell, the results were eye opening!

---

First establish some probable parameters:
Ambient avg temperature in hell - assumed: 1136 f, in lava: 1998 f
Atmospheric pressure: 3 atmospheres
Ice water: 36-40 f - 14 oz
Glass: 3/16" thk tempered glass

---

The engineers say that the temperature differentials would cause the "water" in the glass to immediately flash as the glass instantly liquefied! The result being an explosion of superheated steam and molten glass (silica) propelled by the force of the flash at super-sonic speeds nearing 1100 mph depending on the volume of water!

Steve, why not just hurl a grenade at a person in hell? It would hurt a lot less and not do near as much damage!

CONCLUSION:
So I guess that his statement about Mac software being on Windows being similar to giving a glass of ice water to somebody in hell is really quite accurate!

The Truth!

One of the biggest lies on the "I'm a Mac .. I'm a PC" ads is the proportionality!
If the geek in the cheap suits is supposed to represent all PC's and the sissy in the tight sweaters is representing all Macs, then the PC should be a much bigger, tougher and verile man.
I have brought this "discrepency" to the attention of Jobs and company, they just chuckle.
Well if they won't do an accurate ad I will!

The Ivey leagued corridors of society and decorum

I love doing the "Intelectual High-brow Circut!"
When I do Harvard, Yale, Stanford.... seminars I take on a whole different air than I have at all of the Geek conventions. The geeks all want me to run, scream, sweat, tongue wag, and say stupid stuff! But here in the Ivey leagued corridors of society and decorum, I am truly at home!
The staff and alumni here have begged me for months for "just ten minutes," well, I gave them twenty! Bill-girl was moderator (Both her visage and decubriant delivery were the crux of eloquence).
I quoted some Keats, Hawthorne, Thoreau, Asimov, Buqurodeaux (the elder), ....
When questioned as to my transdulentiallity as opposed to the Seckenger Parallel Processes of linear thought approach to journalism, my answer was short and pointedly nonintenitialized, I said, "Brevity is the soul of wit!"
The applause was impassioned yet reserved, it lasted for 2 minutes!

I summarized the present discourse by quoting Thoreau from "On Walden Pond." I looked out into infinity, held out my hand and said:

"I do not propose to write an ode to dejection, but to brag as lustily as chanticleer in the morning, standing on his roost, if only to wake my neighbors up."

Now that it's over, I guess it's most indubitably back to the Monkey-boy act. javascript:void(0)

So Far Away From Home!

Windows (Vista) 7 Gold Master Signing!

Windows 7 Finished, Ballmer Signs Off

The operating system is now complete and ready for shipping to PC manufacturers.
By Paul McDougall
InformationWeek
July 23, 2009 11:26 AM

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer signed a gold DVD bearing the final, or "RTM", version of Windows 7, signaling that the software maker has completed work on its next operating system and will soon begin shipping it to computer makers and resellers.
On stage, Ballmer who is famed for his many public "fits" was so overcome by emotion that he spontaneously burst out into singing a rendition of "We are the Champions," and for a side B selection he sang "Aint No Stop'n Us Now!"
The weird thing about all of this to me was that once I got into the groove, I liked it! Ballmer's voice is rather gutteral, off-key and rhaspy but you get used to it pretty quick! The entire audience came out of the Press Auditorium feeling pretty good!
It remains to be seen just how good Windows 7 is though, I suspect that like Ballmer's voice, we will have to learn to just get used to it before liking it! .... "


Thanks Paul

Voice From The Bose!

No commentary is necessary here except to remind you all that this is no game! The voice from the Bose is quite explicit and clear! (It even sounded a lot like Paul Harvey)

A Slow Day

It was a slow day at the office, so I went into my old little office to practice my putting.
One of the "Marketing" people followed me in and started to talk, she was very concerned, she said:

"Mr. Ballmer sir, I believe we are making a HUGE mistake with our latest television ads! On them we give people money to buy a computer and the first thing they do is go to the AppleStore! Of course, we made sure they don't have enough to actually get a Mac, so they end up having to go somewhere else and get a PC! Sir we are naming Apple in our ads! We are showing Macs in our ads! We show people preferring to have a Mac! The message we are really giving is 'I settled for a PC!' Mr. Ballmer sir, we are reinforcing the belief that Apple products are superior! When things get better for these same people financially they will think they should get a Mac! This whole thing is gonna' bite us in the butt in the long run! Apple is complaining about the ads so we will keep playing them!"

I stopped, looked up at her and asked, "Did I have an appointment with you?"

She looked at me with a pained look and answered, "No sir, sir, I just thought...”
I stopped this rebellion in mid-sentence, "I don't hire individuals! You are part of a team lady! The consensus of the team is always right! You are obviously not a team player, you sicken me!"

I then called for security, had her fired, escorted out and told HR and the IRS to investigate her!
One of the security people asked me, "So you caught another Apple-Spy?" I smiled and said, "Those people are always so negative!"

No appointment indeed!

Dan Lie-ons Favorite Subject: This Blog!

Fake of a fake fake copy-boy Dan lyons aka FSJ is traveling the world on his book tour, his favorite subject, "Fake Steve Ballmer".
He says the blog is no good, but he can't seem to stop talking about it! Go figure?
He has several extra stupid theories:

1. This blog is actually manufactured in Redmond by nerds in the Microsoft basement.

2. That this blog is actually written by John Dvorak.

3. That this is a "me too" blog, I am copying him.

Like I have said before, "Thiis guy is all washed up, a hack, yesterday's news, unoriginal, burned out, a fake of a fake!"
I am surprised that anybody even bothers to still read that crap he urinates all over the web!

Zune Riots Reignite!

Once again words fail to describe this movement, let these photos speak:Thousands came out in Germany! (Too bad I don't like Germans)
These people's passion is higher than even I thought!
I was actually inspired by this one, they really want the Zune!
Some people are getting a little carried away, litterally!

As quickly as the last round of ZuneRiots came and left, they have once again flared up around the world!
I promise that once Bill and that old crowd are gone I will see to it that the worldwide demand for Zunes is quenched!

Yang vagrant Gratitude!

Ever since Jerry Yang was thrown out of Yahoo, lost everything he had and became a vagrant on the streets of Redmond, I have been secretly keeping an eye on him. I guess it just fascinates me to see how quickly a CEO of a Multibillion dollar corporation can go down to scraping, begging and dining out of dumpsters! In a sense I guess it kinda' scares me! Could this be me one day?
Being the generous, soft-hearted guy I am, I have been sending some of my aids down where he slums, they give him a few bucks, popeye's chicken and cheap wine. This keeps him from starving, but he does'nt seem to be very appreciative. The last time I went down to personally check on him, I was horrified to see where he had somehow stolen a pre-press edition of the Monkey-boy Conspiracy and stabbed my picture dead between the eyes! He just stares at nothing and and smiles all day! .... Disturbing!

Visit From The Wise-men!

It was a special day at Vista Chapel Church of Windows, because I had some very special guest! Bishop Smirnoff and a delegation of his "wise-men" flew in from St. Petersburg.
I greeted them in the gift shop. I asked Bishop about his denomination, he answered:

"Oh great Ballmer, we were all at one time Russian Orthodox Reformed Freestyle Eastern United Brethren, but one day I was inspired from on high to Bing your name! But, of course I immediately found your blog and Flicker Repository of artistic riches! I read every post, studied every picture! I shared your sacred insightfulness with my wise-men! Our lives were changed! You can barely imagine our excitement when we first saw that you had established Vista Chapel COW!
We saved to make our pilgrimage here and to come and learn more of the 'Way of the Zune' from your most ample mouth great ZuneMaster! Speak, speak now Oh great Ballmer! Thy servants shall hear and obey!"

I told them what I tell everyone here:
"Shun non-Microsoft products! Beware viruses! x-Box daily! Upgrade to whatever is the latest Vista! Chastise the iPoders! Follow the way of the Zune!"

They were so receptive! We talked for hours!

They had to get back to their monastery, so I put them on Percy (my jet), gave them 100 pre-press editions of "The Monkey-boy Conspiracy" and coupons for half off Vista Windows 7 upgrades! THEY WERE SO HAPPY!

As Percy took off, I waved and shouted, "Shalom, return safely to Florida!"

Borgnine and Balm-Ma!

Borgnine was pretty upset with me, just because I told the world that he was dead. He went so far as to call himself an "ex-fan!" Well, I can't have that kind of behavior, so I decided to send an emmisary to smooth things over with him, an unstoppable force, someone nobody could ever say no to, a person that you had to like even if you didn't like liking them! I sent my mother! That's right Balm-Ma!
At first he tried to resist, but before I knew it I was snapping their picture outside of Vista Chapel!
Ernest loved the new Googcula (Sucking Google Dry!) tee-shirt that Mom bought him at the gift shop, I personally autographed it for him. He even joined as the latest member of our congregation.
I can now safely say that Mr. Borgnine is solidly back in the "rabid fan" catagory!

Again, sorry about killing you Ernest and thanks Balm-Ma, you came through again!

Borgnine Shock!

On July 1 I accidentally declared Ernest Borgnine to be dead! Most of you were shocked yet touched by my beautiful memorial, you thanked me for informing you of his untimely death and sang his praises. It was beautiful!
There was just one little problem! Ernest was alive and doing quite well!
My apology on July 3 was a masterpiece of humility and eloquence, I thought the matter was settled until today when Ernest (who is a fan) sent me this picture and note. You see he only checks the blog about twice a month, he was shocked to read of his untimely passing!
He said. "I immediately checked the obituaries all over the internet just to make sure you were wrong!"

Again, I am very sorry about this terrible mixup Ernest! ... But read some of the comments from my memorial on you, you were.. I mean, are revered as a great actor and human being! People were genuinely touched when you died!
Me, on the other hand, there are thousands who keep a pair or dancing-shoes in reserve for the day I go to meet the great Zune-Maker in the sky!

-Memorial: www.flickr.com/photos/ballmerrockz/3679719227/
-Apology: www.flickr.com/photos/ballmerrockz/3683312449/

fakesteveballmer.blogspot.com

Googcula!

Google's Cheif Executive Eric Schmidt was quoted as saying,

"That d@%$ Ballmer and his Bing search engine has the potential to suck the life out of us! On the internet you can be reduced to the status of a 'has-been' in a matter of minutes! Ballmer is like some kind'a freak'n Vampire! Stalking! Stalking! Stalking us! Threatening us! Sucking users away! Converting them, then they spread it to their friends!
He, he's a Googcula! That man and his Bing must be stopped!"

Muahahahahahahaha!

Monkey-boy Conspiracy Part 1

This is one of those stupid internet pranks that I have been fighting for years now. For a while there I said "Oh forget it!"
I thought that the idiots would just give it up and people would eventually realize that this whole thing was a not so elaborate hoax. Anybody with a few hundred dollars could have produced this phoney video, I can prove it!
The guys at our media labs have gone over this video and issued a report, the results are eye opening!
1>> Grainiess: The film was run thru a grain filter then blurred by 33%! Why so that the person in it only vaugely resembles me!
2>> Stage: The two Monkeyboy videos were apparently filmed on a small stage in a tripple car garage.
3>> Shadows: Shadow analysis shows that lighting was only about 20' away, not stadium distance.
4>> ... there is more a lot more!

These fake videos have been a source of consternation for myself and family for some years now, any person truly interested in spreading the truth can identify with my pain.

Great Egg Throw'n Hungarians!

The investigation continues into this conspiracy. More of my PI Jack Stone's report is soon to come on this blog exclusively.

Those sheep-scented. funny-talking, checker-pants-wearing Hungs will pay!

FSB The Opera!

On last Sunday Bill-Girl and I performed an aria from an opera we have been working on based on the story of how I rescued her from the clutches of the Beloved Leader Kim Jong Ill.
The opera is far from complete but several arias are done! The audience at Vista Chapel Church of Windows was very receptive! We had several minutes of applause!
We may one day take this all the way to Broadway!

Zune HD Changing EVERYTHING!

Second Coming of the Zune!

Announcing the evolution of Zune, the Microsoft’s end-to-end music and entertainment service, to a new platform and new markets. Zune will extend its video service to Xbox LIVE internationally this fall. This marks an important development in the Zune strategy and brings the Zune brand to more than 17 million international Xbox LIVE subscribers. In addition, the next generation of the Zune portable media player, Zune HD. Available in the U.S. this fall, Zune HD is the first portable media player that combines a built-in HD Radio receiver, high-definition (HD) video output capabilities, organic light-emitting diode (OLED) touch screen, Wi-Fi and an Internet browser.

“The Zune music player is an integral part of the overall Zune experience, and we’re proud to be growing and extending our offering beyond the device,” said Enrique Rodriguez, corporate vice president of the Microsoft TV, Video and Music Business Group. “Delivering on Microsoft’s connected entertainment vision, this news marks a turning point for Zune as it brings cross-platform experiences and premium video content to living rooms around the world. Besides, every Zune we sell is one less sale of an iPod! ... and that's good enough for us!”

FSB Bust

At the entry gates to my estate grounds my people designed and installed a new bust to welcome guest! It seems that everyone is surprising me now-a-days.
Most of my staff are Free FSB members and are dedicated to the cause. I would like to thank all of you who helped in the project. All of my other fans and friends I dedicate this bust to you, for your tireless devotion to the concept of freedom, liberty, expression, art, humor, brevity, wit, truth and resolve against overwhelming odds.
This struggle is not that of a single fake blogger, it is for the future, our children! Hopefully one day they will look at the inscription and say, "They overcame the Flickr Bigots, didn't they mommy?"

Google Chrome OS a Threat?

I had my people obtain (by means I cannot admit to) from the Google Labs a model of the new Google OS and even better than that, the platform they plan on running it on! It's a radical new design slate computer! Sure enough it browses the internet, runs Google-Apps, has a task bar, prints and has a true chrome interface!
I will withhold judgement right now but I am not shaking in my boots over competition from this thing! I could be wrong, what do you guys think?

Choose Zune and Free FSB streets

I had to get back to Redmond right away after the Staples Center debacle because my information officer said an entire neighborhood on the southside a few blocks away from Vista Chapel Church of Windows said they wanted to honor me for our neighborhood outreach programs.
We "adopted" the hood and supply them with free Vista licenses, discounts on Microsoft programs, Wednesday night defrag sessions and free tech support! These people are some of my blog's most rabid supporters!
When I got there I was surprised, they renamed two streets in my honor! They gave me a plaque commemorating the event! I was moved to tears, Bill-Girl could not stand and had to stretch out in the grass! They had a Barbeque afterwards and Lawdy Lawdy! You would not believe the ribs! The ribs! The ribs were totally off the chain! I must have eaten seven pounds! We partied to Balm and Jackson Five music until after midnight!
Geez! Po' folk can have a good time! I'll still keep my money though, thank you very much!

Outside Staples!

You would think a guy as powerful as me would be able to just walk into the Jackson memorial, no tickets, wristbands, invitation? Well that's how it usually works; I just go, am recognized and am escorted to the front row. This did not happen at the Jackson memorial!
I explained to those minimum wage security people just who I was! They did not seem impressed, Bill-girl flirted with them, they did not seem impressed, I flashed a ten-dollar bill, they did not seem impressed!
Finally, one of them said, "Hey, you are that guy who makes Vista!"
I smiled and said; "Now ya got it Peebo!"
He smiled back at me and said, "You sir and your friend here will have to stand outside! Positively no admittance!"
I was miffed, but Bill-Girl reminded me that going through this was worth it to honor the memory of Jacko. I agreed, I said, "Yeah, I was his personal tech-support. I remember all those times I went out to NeverLand to clean up some virus on his solid gold Toshiba! Sniff - he taught me to moonwalk."
Even standing in a huge crowd of the "public" is worth honoring such a great entertainer and XP-user.
Jacko, you have been reformatted, rest in peace!

Michael, Michael, Michael!

You Can't Please Everybody!

I was sent this one by some anonymous source. It's some guys, somewhere, in some country, protesting something they don't like about me, my blog, my company, my statements, my attitude, .... etc. The point is that there is always a protest against me going on somewhere!
I concluded a loooong time ago that I would never be able to please everybody with anything I do. So I just do whatever I think is right and let the chips fall were they may.
I do care however when someone burns my image! I figure that whatever their gripe is it must be pretty serious, probablly not legitimate but serious.
Does anyone recognise enough to at least know where this is?
I know that none of you would have been there, but they apparently know about my blog.

The Borgnine Mistake

How did this happen?
Well as near as I can figure it, the other day I was at the computer trying to get rid of a few nasty viruses, when I heard my wife say, "Ernest Borgnine just passed honey, it's on NBC." This distredded me in that I am a genuine fan, so naturally I went to the archives and dug up the now infamous photo of he and I and posted it to flickr.
Several of you have pointed out that you could not confirm my report, so I went to bing.com and found that I could not either. At first I thought "the internet must be broken!" But it turns out that the internet is fine, it's me who is broken!
I had a theory: I went back to my wife, showed her a picture of Carl Malden (who just passed, great guy!) she looked at it and said "poor Ernest."
DANG! DANG! DANG IT!
PLEASE BELIEVE ME! This was not a joke or stunt! It was an honest mistake, a terrible one, but an honest one! Again I apologise.

Even the world's greatest fake blogger is not always correct!
The Borgnine shot has gone back into my archives, hopefully not to be used again for a very long time.

Call To My Grassroots!

On March 1, Flickr deleted the FSB Stream and over 180 of my photos! Those works were irreplaceable art! In response I established the Free FSB Campaign Group which is now approaching 800 strong! But my brothers and sistahs, we need several times that many in order to implement project "Wide Swath"! So we are getting back to the grassroots! Pressing the flesh baby!
How soon we forget such atrocities! Remember people! Get up! Get up!
If they could do this to the fake leader of Microsoft, they could do it to anybody at will!
Their answers to my accusations - Silence!
WHAT TO DO?
I would like for every fan, Free FSB member, friend, admirer of this stream and/or my blog to invite every last person in your contacts list to join the Free FSB Campaign!
We shall send a message into the heart of these cowards!
ARE YOU WITH ME PEOPLE? Are yah? huh?
Tell Flickr "This far! No further! Today we draw a line in cyberspace! We are bringing all our friends too! Freedom shall be restored! Artistic expression, irony, taste.... shall not perish from the Internet!
Yes, they may delete us all!
But what a glorious end it shall be! Do ya wanna' live forever people!
Get to it, invite every last one you know! Let's cut this Wide Swath through Flickr!

The Zunetta Show!

Bill-Girl saw how I was treated by NBC so she has asked me to be on her show again. I told her, "Sorry darling, I'm a big-timer! Your show is a local thing and I have done it once, I can't do that kind'a thing too often!"
She was visiblly upset with me so I told her, "Tell you what, I'll advertise your show on my blog! My Flickr culters will push you too! You need some exposure! If one of the major networks pick you up I'll be glad to be a guest a few times a year!" She beamed with happiness, she said, "You mean you will actually put an ad for my show on YOUR FSB BLOG!?"
I responded, "What is family for? We may even displace Oprah!"